Best & Worst of 2013

THE BEST MUSIC, MOVIES, AND BOOKS OF 2013

     Once again I feel the need to remind you (you the reader I mean) that this isn't merely a list of media released in 2013 that I did or didn't enjoy but a list of all the media both past and present that I was exposed to this year that I did or did not enjoy this year.

Intronaut - Habitual Levitations

     I don't know how Intronaut was able to top their last album but somehow they did.  I'm not one of those people who sings along with my music but this album has me doing just that.  I can't say I know exactly what the lyrics mean but sometimes it's not what they are singing about but how they're singing them.  Habitual Levitations isn't just one of my favorite heavy metal albums but one of my favorite albums period.  I'd have to say my favorite thing about this band is they're not of those bands that hop on stage and bang their heads for 40 minutes. Intronaut are professionals who take the time to play their instruments and play them right.  They're mature musicians who make music for a mature audience.

     Last year I claimed "Valley of Smoke" was a concept album I just didn't know what the concept was. While I'm still in the dark as far as the lyrics go I can only assume "Habitual Levitations (Instilling Words With Tones)" has a more personal meaning.  The opening track is "Killing Birds with Stones" which I believe might be a reference to the old phrase killing two birds with one stone.  "Does the day keep you up at night" is sung a few times throughout the song and while I can't say I'm very good at deciphering lyrics I believe it might have something to do with the passage of time.  The next song is called "The Welding" and it quickly reminded me of some of the songs off their last album and because of that it became a favorite of mine.  With a few exceptions the music on this album isn't nearly aggressive as is predecessor but "The Welding" is one of those exceptions.  "Steps" is another departure from the overall gloom and angst the rest of the album.  "A Sore Sight for Eyes" continues the philosophical (and another reference to an old saying) angle by stating "we're always afraid we're never alone".  Once again I'm not exactly sure what the lyrics are alluding to (if you're upset I got something wrong you can always post in the comments to correct me) but the title and that one line seem to suggest that an Orwellian paranoia but the rest of the lyrics almost sound post apocalyptic.  I guess Intronaut is counting on hiding secrets in their lyrics that their fans can't possibly decode.

     Without going much further I'd just like to say I really enjoy this album and of all the things I review on this best of list I recommend this the most especially if you've never heard of the band.  This is a great introduction.  The music is dreamy and almost psychedelic.  It reminds me a lot of early 90's sludge and doom acts like Anathema, Acid Bath, and Juicifer.

Meshuggah - Koloss

     This is the first Meshuggah album I've been able to listen to from start to finish.  They're not a bad band but their music can be extremely repetitive.  There are some Meshuggah songs that I swear they wrote an 8 second song and just looped it.  Where I think just about anybody can enjoy Intronaut's latest album "Koloss" is not an album someone who's not into metal could listen to.  It's loud, aggressive, angry, and fast which isn't a departure from Meshuggah's earlier efforts.  It just seems to me like the band are getting better and more coherent with each album.  Other than that I don't have as much to say about this album, just that if you're Meshuggah fan you'll like it, if not just avoid it.

 Sara Bareilles - Brave

     I wouldn't say this is typically my kind of music so I'm not sure how to categorize it.  I'm most comfortable with the term pop.  I'd say a large chunk of the music I listen to is angry, loud, sad, slow, and often deals with themes of inner turmoil, paranoia, confusion, suicide, drugs, unrequited love, death, mourning, loss, religion, satanism, violence, sex, and medieval fantasy.  Let me tell ya the world ain't a pretty place and my musical interests reflect that.  But every now and then I enjoy a good tune with a positive message.  I even like the music video that has a bunch of people dancing around in public.  I've never heard of this artist and while I think its a good song with a great message I'm not likely to follow her career beyond this one song... or at least I'm not planning on it but if she releases more singles that are as catchy as this one you might see her name on this list next year.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Wanz - Thrift Shop

     I don't listen to rap or hip-hop, at least not anymore.  The genre used to be about the struggles of the lower class and cautionary tales of gang life and crime, now it seems to be dominated by personalities rather than subjects.  I can't say I'm all that interested in some untalented doof going on about the latest dance craze or his expensive clothes or cars or his sexual prowess.  Hopefully rap is moving away from these trends but I won't hold my breath.  Instead we have Macklemore rising to fame in a song about buying secondhand clothes and merchandise.  Throughout the song he merely states this as a preference rather than criticizing others fashion sense except in a few lines where he states: " $50 for a t-shirt that just some ignorant bitch shit.  I call that getting swindled and pimped.  I call that getting tricked by a bizniss."  I can't say the music does much for me but sometimes it's not how a song sounds but what it represents.

Lorde - Royals

     I don't typically like teen acts because well... we have Britney Spears, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson.  Aside from sucking hard all these acts have something in common; at the time they were introduced their music revolved around lyrics that had absolutely no depth or artistic direction.  There are five of these shallow overblown manufactured acts for every Jewel or in this case Lorde. Hopefully Lorde doesn't burn out like these other acts or in some cases go completely insane or use sex appeal to a bombastic degree.  The song is similar to Macklemore's in theme but while he simply states its his preference to wear old tattered clothes he unearthed at a goodwill Lorde goes on about how popular songs are defined by morons bragging about their expensive cars and the excessive lifestyles their fame and fortune has afforded them.  The music itself is just okay.  Lorde seems to be doing that smoky lounge thing that's becoming more popular.  The video is a little hard to follow.  It looks like a couple of buddies starting a fight club while Lorde sings in an empty room.

One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest by Ken Kesey

     A long time ago  I had a girlfriend who was wrong about a great many things, the one thing she may have been right about was saying the movie based off this book was really good.  Since then I've been meaning to pick up a copy of the book but I always seemed to be blowing my book budget on something else.  While I was reading this I described it to someone as the best book I had ever read.  I enjoyed every moment reading this book from page one to the very last page.  My opinion has not swayed at all in the months since finishing it.  "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" is an amazing book and I highly recommend it.

Endymion by Dan Simmons

     Now that I've had some time to reflect on it I can say that this series previous entry"The Fall of Hyperion" was a disappointment, a minor one but a disappointing read nonetheless.   I'd say the biggest improvement is how little this book relies on John Keats fanfare.  The title character is charged with murder and sentenced to execution but is rescued and given a choice to embark on a mission to save a young girl and help her fulfill a prophecy or resign himself to capture and execution.  "Endymion" uses less of the sci fi prose found in the last two books and is more of an action adventure novel.  The book tends to drag a little towards the end but I find it difficult to complain about a book's length when I enjoy as much as I did this one. 

Pitch Perfect - 2012

     I almost don't want to admit I loved this movie.  In fact I wouldn't have seen it at all if not for my brother (who also unwilling admits that this is a guilty pleasure for him) after his 10th viewing of the movie urged me to see it.  So what's the problem with it?  Well the movie follows a young woman enrolling at a college where all her classmates are obsessed with a copella singing, there's a romantic subplot, and the climax revolves around a national collegiate singing competition.  This is obviously the plot description of what is common referred to as the "chick flick".  There's nothing particularly wrong with this genre, its just one I tend to avoid.  I'd say this movie doesn't easily fit into that mold.  Most chick flicks tend to focus on the romance or dissolve of romance between the two romantic leads but the romance in "Pitch Perfect" takes a backseat to the rest of the things happening.  As far as chick flicks go this reminds me more of movies like "Bring It On" or "Drop Dead Gorgeous" or "Step Up" or anything that revolves around a big contest during it climax.  Its a pretty good flick with a great soundtrack and is oddly entertaining.

The Wolverine - 2013

     You don't need to have seen any of the X-Men movies or "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" to enjoy this movie.  In fact it might be better just to disregard them entirely.  By the beginning credit this movie has it predecessor beat... and the credits are nothing special but then again so was the last Wolverine movie.  If you've ever wondered what Wolverine would be like if it were more like the 1960's Batman tv show then "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is the movie for you.  This movie takes a more serious look at Weapon X.  I'd say what impressed me the most is how far the action and fight scenes stretched the PG-13 rating.  I tend to avoid movies with this rating mostly because I'd rather get as much content as possible and most PG-13 films seem like they strive too hard to be a neutered R rated movie, but that really doesn't bother me as much in this movie. 

THE WORST MUSIC, MOVIES, AND BOOKS OF 2013

     Thankfully I wasn't exposed to as much bad media this year as I was last year but not for lack of trying I still experienced some losers.

Man of Steel - 2013

     How is it that a 35 year old movie can still be better than any modern day reboot?!  I'm starting to think the best thing to happen to the Last Son of Krypton in the last 20 years is dying.  "Man of Steel" is plodding, boring, has meaningless action sequences that go nowhere, and is filled with more flashbacks than the average episode of "Lost".  The last thing we needed from another super hero franchise is an origin story but the film makers thought they were being original and clever by changing up an established franchise and they couldn't have been more wrong.  While I did like the new twist on Superman's back story it just seemed like it took way to long getting to its point.  It had good ideas but executed them very poorly.  I can only imagine that Russel Crowe demanded that he have a certain amount of screen time when they casted him because the beginning sequence of the movie took way way too long.  I think in the original "Superman" it only took 10-15 minutes from Krypton to when Clark Kent is a man and fighting crime in Metropolis.  I'm also tired of super hero movies where the characters don't do anything heroic.  Isn't Superman supposed to be foiling bank robberies and swooping in to save children before they get run over by cars?  There are some instances of this but they are few and far between and sandwhiched between long scenes of padding.  And oh boy the action sequences.  God they're terrible!  A lot of the time they are just way too long and the wholesale destruction caused by these fights is insulting.  I suppose they thought their audience's needed a crumbling building or explosion every few minutes just to keep their attention.  This is one of the worst movies I've seen in the theater since "Sucker Punch".  Thanks Zack Snyder!

Its a disappointing movie at best but I think my hatred of this movie can be summed up with one line.

"What are you smiling about, captain?"
"Nothing sir... I just think he's kinda hot."

UGH!  It was stupid in the trailers and it was even worse in the movie.

A Good Day to Die Hard - 2013

     I have never seen a series fall so hard so fast as "Die Hard".  I didn't even take much issue with the last installment but this one is just plain terrible.   The action is so over the top I'm sure if you hadn't seen any of the other "Die Hard" films you'd probably think the series was adapted from a cartoon.

     This time John McClane takes a backseat in his own movie.  The plot really revolves around his son Jack McClane who's gone missing and John McClane senior (for those of you who don't know Jack is a variation of John... I don't know why either) runs off to Russia to find him.  As it turns out Jack is in the C.I.A. and is on a mission to obtain a cryptic file that has information on a local mob boss.  The plot is both crazy and stupid since the C.I.A. doesn't seem to know what's really on this file or whether or not it exists.  I'd say this movie is all style and no substance but it doesn't have either.  The dialogue is painfully bad as is all the banter between father and son.  The action is just boring.  Maybe its just me but I feel like you have to have some idea of what's going on rather than have a bunch of pointless explosions and car crashes.  Yes an action movie must at least have some sibilance of depth or otherwise its just stuff happening for an hour and a half.  This does for "Die Hard" what "Batman & Robin" did for Batman and I wouldn't be surprised if it killed off the franchise.  Unlike Batman I hope this one doesn't get revived because I can only see worse things coming.

Expendables 2 - 2012

I have one question, WHAT HAPPENED?!  Even with the cgi blood in the first one I loved it but hard pressed as I am I just can't say anything good about this movie.  So I had a movie night to catch up on some movies I really wanted to see but missed while they were in the theaters so I watched this back to back with "A Good Day to Die Hard".  I like to call this experiment Night of the Living McGuffins!(MacGuffin@Wiki MacGuffin@TVTropes).  The MacGuffin in our previous movie was obviously the file that no one felt like explaining until the end of the flick, in this one its a laptop in a crashed plain that Stallone and his buddies help recover.  Its been a while and I only saw it once but I don't think the information on this laptop is ever revealed.  Like "Die Hard" they have a bunch of bad guys running after it trying to get their hands on it.  What it is or why they want it is anybody's guess.  The movie is also jam packed with unnecessary cameos.  Chuck Norris comes in kills people, blows up stuff, and leaves.  Liam Hemsworth is in this movie just long enough to get killed making you wonder why he was in it in the first place.  Bruce Willis and Arnold Swarzenegger prove why their roles were so small in the first movie.  But I must say I was impressed by Jean-Claude Van Damme as the villain.  Same goes for Dolph Lundgren but I think he makes most bad movies at least passable.  Out of all the action veterans in this movie I've always been a big Lundgren and Van Damme fan but especially in "Universal Soldier".  Even with the great cast this is kind of a lame movie.  Hopefully they make improvements with the next film.

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

      While I've only read 3 out of the 4 Twilight books I'm hard pressed to choose which was my least favorite.  They're all bad but "Breaking Dawn" is not the worst.  I seemed to have the most trouble reading "Eclipse" which was boring as hell, and yeah this one's a little boring too but I didn't struggle as much reading it.  I don't have much else to say about it that I haven't already said.  If you want to see my extended review you can read it here: Breaking Dawn Review  and here's the condensed version: condensed version

World War Z 

     The best thing I can say about "World War Z" is its not the worst movie on this list.  Its not even one of the worst zombie movies I've seen but its still pretty bad.  It is one of the worst PG-13 zombie movies I've seen but that isn't exactly a very deep well to draw from.

     The movie starts out with the perfect 50's family.  Gerry (played by Brad Pitt) is pretty, has a pretty wife, and two pretty daughters.  The movie makes it clear that they are unimportant by not given any of them names.  I think this movie would be a little better if Gerry was just a bachelor since the family scenes tend to take you away from the more important things happening, plus his daughters are really freaking annoying.  They spend the first act running around, crying, and screaming.  His older daughter (I like to refer to her as lil big red, their mom big red, and the baby lil red) has asthma and is gasping for air in one scene and is running around in a supermarket in the next. Gerry dumps the wife and kids off on an aircraft carrier while he runs off to find out how this all started.  He goes to South Korea and then off to Israel and finally to Scotland.  Revelations are made and he comes up with a way to fool the zombies.

     There are so many ugly problems with this crappy zombie movie.  First and foremost is the PG-13 rating.  Every time something bloody or violent is about to happen the camera pans away from it.  It gets really distracting and takes you out of the movie.  The next biggest thing is the zombies themselves.  They are unlike any zombies you have ever seen or read about and its not a good thing. These zombies don't make sense.  I realize that zombies in general don't make sense but from a fictional standpoint these make even less.  For reasons that are unclear the zombies avoid sick people... well they explain it but its not a very good reason.  They're attracted to noise so I can only assume they still have their senses but how the hell are they able to tell if someone is sick or not?  Besides aren't we all sick anyway?  Human beings are incubators for dormant viruses.  They also just run up to people, bite, then leave.  They don't chew or feed or anything.  These are the whimpiest zombies I've ever seen on film.  If you can call these zombies you can all the sensitive, effeminate, moral authorities from "Twilight" vampires.  I think the biggest problem with this movie is the time and setting.  In every good zombie flick I've ever seen the monsters just show up.  I can't honestly say I care why the zombie apocalypse happened so much as everyone's reaction to it.  I think that's why I like the original "Dawn of the Dead" so much.  And since this is a zombie apocalypse I can't imagine why everyone is so helpful to Brad Pitt and his family.  There's a druggie thug in a hoodie with a handgun in a pharmacy that locates and gives Pitt exactly what he needs for his daughter and later they break into an apartment building and a helpful latino family welcomes them into their home and gives Pitt and his family food and drinks. And ya wanna know what happens right after this lovely immigrant family takes in Brad Pitt?  All but the little boy get devoured by zombies.  In fact beside his family and an Israeli soldier everyone who comes in contact with guy dies a nasty death.  Lastly its hard to get excited about this blockbuster when the cast are underacting and wooden.  It seems like a small nit pick but I hated the score too.  The score utilizes what I like to refer to as dub step fart sounds which seem to get more and more popular in movies.

Taylor Swift - 22

     If you've been watching this blog then you might agree that I have a way with words.  If I don't like something, if it rubs me the wrong way, or I disagree with it, I often find something constructive to say about why I don't like it or what I felt was wrong with it.  The only thing I can come up with for Taylor Swift's 22 is... I think its tremendously stupid and it is the worst pop song I have ever heard.  Taylor Swift was born on December 13, 1989.  Why I'm telling you this should be painfully obvious.  It means for most of 2013 she was 23 years old.  The chorus of the song goes "I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22".  I don't suppose its hard to feel like you're 22 when it was only a year ago.  Wonder if she's still going to feel 22 when she's 50.  I dunno know about you but I feel like I'm 32 and ya know why?  Because that's exactly how freakin old I am!  Sometimes I feel rundown, drunk, tired, hungover, bloated, and depressed... come to think of it that was mostly how I felt 10 years ago.  I light a candle each year on my birthday for my wasted youth.  But here's another exert from these brilliant lyrics:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers

We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time
It's miserable and magical.
Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines
It's time

     Let's add insult to injury here, this song is not only stupid but dull as hell.  This is what Taylor Swift is doing at 22?!  I'd hate to say but I pity Taylor Swift especially when I think about what I was up to at 22, getting drunk, going to concerts every week, and occasionally having sex or a one night stand.  "22" would probably be more interesting as a song and a theme if it featured the average American college student who's just trying to make ends meet and stay awake in class after having to pull a double shift so he/she can afford tuition and expenses and will no doubt drop out and spend a lifetime in irredeemable debt from his/her college loans.  Holy shit I think I just wrote a better song than Taylor Swift... and it wasn't even that hard... and it had absolutely nothing to with my EXES!

Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble

     Last year I spent my early morning hours watching music videos on MTV or VH1 while I read or relaxed.  So I saw this video plenty of times.  To be perfectly clear I don't hate this song but I do really hate the video. I think its too ambitious which isn't necessarily a bad thing in most cases but in "I Knew You Were Trouble's" case the video was trying very hard to be more poetic and have deeper meaning than a song where Taylor Swift yet again disses an ex-boyfriend.  The story the video tries to tell (sell) is difficult to believe.  I don't know who's at fault for her failed relationships.  It seems like we only ever get Swift's point of view but here is a list of Taylor Swifts ex-lovers: Joe Jonus, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Conor Kennedy, and Harry Styles, none of these men sound like the kind of guy who gets into drunken barroom brawls.  Two of them are in boy bands and one of them is an adult contemporary pussy.  I'd say my least favorite part of the video besides being presented in widescreen to make it look more like a short movie is the 2 minutes and 5 seconds of spoken word monologue that Swift goes on about before the music starts.  With lines like, "the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me." the monologue seems to suggest that Taylor Swift is solely defined by her shallow relationships with men.  Is it possible for a young girl to be a male chauvinist?

Fallout Boy - My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark (Light Em Up)

     Taylor Swift sucks but this song, this one song somehow managed to be worse and more annoying (but at least less stupid) than anything Swift released this year.  I'm not a person who listens to the radio very often but every time EVERY FUCKING TIME I turned on the radio I heard this song and guess what?  It sucked the first time and got progressively worse each time.  I'm not sure I could adequately describe the bile that fills in my throat every time I hear that obnoxious pitch shift in the vocals during the hook.

Evil Dead - 2013

     FUCK!  I want to say this was the worst movie I saw last year but I can't lie like that.  It wasn't the worst but even the movies I had high hopes for didn't piss me off as much as this one did.  There are two kinds of remakes, the ones that are exactly like the original, and the ones that aren't and just make shit up as they go along.  Guess which category this remake falls under?  I wasn't expecting the same exact movie but I wasn't expecting this either.  Rationally I didn't think "Evil Dead" was going to be any good but I was hoping I was wrong.  For my full review on "Evil Dead" go here: Evil Dead 2013

Any Verizon commercial this year... OR ANY YEAR!

    Let me state right here and now I own a tracfone.  My primary phone is a disposable phone.  I do not nor have I ever owned a cell phone or smart phone and you wanna know why?  Well many reasons really the biggest being my unwillingness to sign a contract.   The only people I think should sign contracts are lawyers, business people, and anyone getting a prenuptial agreement.  The other reason is just not being important enough to need to use a cell phone.  I have no friends and the only people I talk to or text message on a regular basis is my family, and if I lose a call or one is dropped who cares, I'll talk to them again eventually and crappy service or a dying, unreliable battery gives me an excuse to get off the phone with them.  In the unlikely event that one of my family members is reading this right now I would like to take this time to apologize for using that excuse in the past but uhhhh don't expect me to stop using it.

     I'm starting to come to the revelation that as far as their commercials go Verizon is the GEICO of cell phone companies.  Every ad, every mother fucking ad, is obnoxious, irritating, annoying, and downright insulting, and its often aimed at their target consumer in affect calling you a moron for not indulging them.  Oh yeah and they brought back that stupid coverage map campaign.  Look at our maps, look at the pretty colors, look how much they differ from our competitors.  You know that company?  The one you've been perfectly content with up until now?  These commercials feature a group of people looking at cell phone coverage maps and deciding which is better.  They claim these are real people and not actors.  Forgive me for being cynical here but I'm not buying it, literally and figuratively.  Any time you're being showed a commercial you are being lied to.  Advertising is at its core deceptive and if you don't believe me let me know if that big mac or whopper you saw on tv or on a billboard was the one you ordered.  It seems like a perfect motive to lie right?  To get your money.  I'd lie if you paid me enough and I'm sure I'd get really good at it in time.  So you probably shouldn't believe it when a commercial says these are real people not actors.  Let's not forget the fact that they were probably offered something to be in the commercial so they might as well be.  Just like actors they're being paid to endorse a product but somehow this is a lot more dishonest.  Oh and you probably shouldn't take their coverage maps too seriously either.  Ya wanna know why?  Who do ya think did the research for that?  I'll give you a hint it was the same people who made this commercial and wants your business.

Top Twilight Zone Episodes

     Its the new year and if you're anything like me... well you're probably very hungover right now but other than that you're also busy watching SyFy's Twilight Zone marathon.  I can't tell you how many years I've been continuing this tradition but I can tell you the first year I started showing an interest in the show I got plenty of blank tapes to record it and for further viewings I made sure to edit the commercials out.  In no particular order here are my favorite "Twilight Zone" episodes.


 Season 3 Episode 10 - The Midnight Sun

The world is moving closer to the sun and the days are getting hotter and longer.  The sun no longer sets.  Running water and gasoline are scarce and normal people are willing to resort to robbery to get the nourishment to sustain them for another day.

Why is this a favorite: I remember seeing this for the first time during my first New Year's Marathon.  After I recorded it I watched it over and over.  It became an instant favorite.  There's not much going on here but I find the idea, the dialogue, and twist interesting even if none of it makes much sense.  If one side of the earth is always daylight that means another side is always dark and areas closest to the dark side would be quite comfortable.  Of course it also means that one side of the earth would be frozen and I'm sure that would cause some unusual environmental changes that would probably make the heat the least of your concerns.



Season 3 Episode 14 - Five Characters In Search of an Exit

 Five very different people wake up in a pit with no idea who they are or how they got there.

Why is this a favorite:  Each episode of "The Twilight Zone" has its own atmosphere and this one is pure unrelenting dread and doom.  If I had to choose I'd say this is my favorite of my favorite episodes.  Originally what appealed to me was the mystery, who are these people, where are they, how did they get there, and what's with that loud clanging bell?


Season 3 Episode 37 - The Changing of the Guard

A disenfranchised professor at a private school for boys is being forced to retire.    He loves teaching and when retirement is thrust upon him he contemplates suicide.  He ponders whether he or his teachings have ever had an impact on his students.  The validation we all crave in life is given to him by the spirits of his former students.  After this visit he is given a new lease on life.

Why is this a favorite:  I'm not a big fan of the more sentimental episodes and this one fits smugly in that category.  Whereas the other sentimental episodes fell flat with me this one speaks to me.  I find I have a difficult time watching it and not being moved to tears.


Season 3 Episode 24 - To Serve Man

Aliens land on earth and give humans the devices to end war and famine.  They ask nothing in return but do they really have earth's best interests in mind?

Why is this a favorite: This is probably one of the most famous and well recognized Twilight Zone episodes.  It has been parodied more times than any other episode.  It also happens to be one the first ones I remember watching as a child. "To Serve Man" exemplifies what the "Twilight Zone" embodies and that is revealing an unexpected twist.  Aliens land on earth promising an end to famine and disease and if you've been watching this long you know they have ulterior motives.


Season 3 Episode 27 -  Person or Persons Unknown

A man wakes up only to find that everyone he knows in life claims he is not who he says he is.

Why is this a favorite: This episode explores a sense of self and identity.  The main character claims he's someone everyone else insists does not exist regardless of the fact that everyone in his life are still there but just don't know who he is.  As odd as it may sound I empathize with him.  The main character is essentially no one and has no past.  I can't imagine how frightening a nightmare that might be.


Season 1 Episode 5 - Walking Distance

A man goes to the small town he grew up in to escape the pressures of the big city and finds the town and the people haven't changed in 25 years.

Why is this a favorite: There's a tinge of almost venomous nostalgia present in this episode that I think most of us can relate to.  The moral of this story brings to light an old adage, you can't go home again.


Season 2 Episode 29 - The Obsolete Man

In a futuristic society a tribunal decides whether or not you are useful to the collective.  If you are found obsolete you are to be put to death in the manner of your choosing.

Why is this a favorite: Burgess Meredith appeared on several episodes of the "Twilight Zone" and  I could have picked any one of them but this one resonates with me more than the others.  His performance here is outstanding and the story is compelling.  I think it says a little something about how we value life and our place in society.  I should also note while Meredith did a great job Fritz Weaver stands out as well as the chancellor.


Season 1 Episode 30 - A Stop At Willoughby

The pressures of his stressful job causes a man to have dreams about a turn of the century town where things are simpler and you can slow down and enjoy life.

Why is this a favorite: This is a great episode with a great twist that if anyone says they saw it coming are most likely lying.  


Season 2 Episode 26 - Shadow Play

A man on death row reveals he's a prisoner of his own unconscious mind.

Why is this a favorite: This is a great concept and it's orchestrated very well.  Its tense and you're not sure what to believe.  Either this guy is insane or the whole world is a fantasy.  Either way I'm sure we've all had a dream where we were in mortal danger or were falling or getting injured and it felt so real we were almost convinced it wasn't a dream.


Season 2 Episode 6 - Eye of the Beholder

A woman is undergoing plastic surgeries sponsored by the state in order to correct her facial deformities so she'll fit in with everyone else.  It is her last surgery and if there's no change she must choose to either live among other freaks or be euthanized.

Why this is a favorite: This is by and far the most conceptual episode of the "Twilight Zone".  For obvious reasons everybody is either silhouetted in shadows or obscured by objects.

Season 2 Episode 28 - Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up

An unidentified flying object is reported flying and crashing.  Two highway patrolmen investigate and find a pair of tracks in the snow.  They are lead to a nearby diner that's hosting a group of bus passengers waiting to for a bridge to be repaired.  The customers at the diner are told about the UFO and each are questioned.  Things get paranoid when everyone starts accusing everyone else of being an imposter.

Why is this a favorite:  If you're a fan of John Carpenter's "The Thing" you'll love this episode.  It explores the same themes of paranoia and confusion.  The people fight over who's who and who's the odd man out.  Even the married couples aren't sure their spouses are really who they say they are.

Favorite Christmas Movies

Happy Holidays Everyone

     I've always wondered what exactly makes a movie a Christmas movie.  If you ask my mother its those terrible stop motion flicks that became popular during the 60's.  Maybe you're a bit different and enjoy classics like "Miracle on 34th Street" or "Its a Wonderful Life"  The one thing I could never understand was why "The Sound of Music" was considered an appropriate Christmas movie.  Sure it has nuns in it but it also has Nazis and nothing says Christmas quite like a family of singing Austrians fleeing from Nazis.

     I on the other hand prefer more unconventional holiday movies.  A lot of Christmas movies seem to force home a message and are sentiment heavy, as I child I didn't appreciate that and as an adult I appreciate all that sugar coating even less.  In other words I tend to enjoy movies where the holiday and all its lessons about charity and good will are secondary or missing entirely.  Movies that just seem to take place on Christmas.  So in no particular order here are my favorite Christmas movies.

Die Hard(1988)

     This should be known as the mother of all Christmas movies for guys who don't like traditional Christmas movies.  Nothing about cheer, good will, gift giving, carolers, Jesus, and above all peace.  Lots of people die in this and oh yes there will be blood.

      It seems superfluous to describe the plot of this movie because everyone and their mother have seen it.  The reason I like it is that while an action movie it deviates from every action movie released during the 80's.   John McClane is a normal run of the mill cop from New York armed only with his handgun and a couple of clips of ammo.  He has no special training and is thrust into this impossible situation.  Unlike most action leads of the time he's vulnerable, outnumbered, and out of his element.  He gets wounded and shows signs of fatigue and distress.  He even has a sense of humor and personality rather than being a mindless killing machine.

Bad Santa(2003)

     You should know what you're getting into with this movie just by reading the title.  Billy Bob Thorton plays a cynical, foul mouthed, grumpy, alcoholic, womanizing, safe cracking mall santa who knocks over malls on the busiest shopping day of the year.  Thorton is forced to stay with an introverted bullied child who believes he is the real Santa Claus.

     This strange and pathetic child starts to have an effect on Willie (Thorton) and he learns the true meaning of Christmas... more or less.  He's still the same person by the end of the movie but has learned a lesson all the same.  One of my favorite moments of the movie is where Willie dressed in full Santa garb is shot in the back by a group of policemen while horrified children watch.  You don't get that with just any Christmas movie.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation(1989)

     Everybody has their favorite Vacation movie, this has always been mine.  It seems to me that every movie in this series featured Clark Griswold reaching a breaking point and losing his mind.  You start to feel sorry for the guy when he's put so much planning into creating the perfect vacation experience for his family and somehow something always goes catastrophically wrong.

     This entry is a departure from the other films.  The setting of "Christmas Vacation" takes place largely within the Griswold home instead of having them travel somewhere.  The house becomes full when every member of both sides of the family decide to hold Christmas at the Griswold home.  If you've ever hosted a family gathering of any kind at any time you're well aware of how stressful this can be.  You have to put on a game face and act nice around family members you clearly despise.  You may also be put out by trying to accommodate every person's individual needs.

     On top of the stresses caused by his family Clark is also counting on a Christmas bonus that he's planning on using to install a swimming pool.  When the bonus gets there and it turns out that he's been enrolled in the "Jelly of the Month Club" he goes on a tirade.  The madness reaches a climax when Cousin Eddie kidnaps his boss and confronted with how the missing bonus has affected Clark and his family decides to double his last year's bonus but not before a SWAT team breaks into the house and holds the entire family at gunpoint.

The Ref(1994)

     Denis Leary is a cat burglar who kidnaps a married couple who turn bickering into an olympic sport.  The Griswold's have nothing on this dysfunctional family.  The parents don't speak to one another unless they are arguing, their son is blackmailing his military school commandant, and the grandmother complains and berates everyone and acts like a stingy loan shark to her children. The whole experience acts as a sort of therapy bringing the family closer together by the end of the movie.  There's got be some kind of metaphoric statement to be made when a thief punches out a drunk santa.  I'm starting to think maybe these movies have a personal vendetta against Saint Nick. 

Go(1999)

     Go is one of the more quirky movies I've put on this list.  Most of theses have themes of Christmas but this one might just as well take place during any other time.  Christmas is mentioned a few times and there's a rave with a Christmas theme but just about everything else involving the holiday is devoid.  The movie is about 4 loosely connected short stories involving a group of grocery store employees.

     Ronna needs to pay her back rent or else she's going to get evicted.  By chance while she's working at the super market two actors approach her asking her about her drug dealing co-worker who's absconded to Las Vegas with his friends.  They're desperate enough to score some ecstasy for a Christmas party that they're willing to pay extra for the drugs.  Ronna goes to her co-workers suppler to get the drugs hoping that the extra money she makes selling the drugs at a higher price will be enough to pay her rent.  She doesn't have enough to buy the drugs but the dealer agrees to watch her friend while she makes the deal and pays off the rest.  She finds out she's been tricked into a drug bust and rushes off to the bathroom to get rid of the evidence. She then has to find out how she's going to pay her rent and replace the lost drugs.
 
     The next segment involves Simon.  It's a pretty standard Las Vegas plot where he gets high, has group sex, burns down a hotel room, accidentally shoots a bouncer, and has to escape.  Its amusing but has little to do with the rest of the movie.  The next story involves the two actors who as part of plea deal are helping two undercover officers bust Ronna.  Through it we get to see a different perspective of what happens to her.  The last segment features Ronna's girl friend Clair in a romance with Simon's drug supplier.

Strange Days(1995)

     This movie takes place on the days leading up to New Year's 1999 rather than Christmas.  You see back in the 90's everybody seem to think the world was coming to an end for some reason.  It was just like year 2012 thing only not nearly as stupid.  But fear of the world ending in 1999 was a real enough threat for a lot of people.  So much so that a lot of movies utilized that fear in their plots.

     A lot of people seem to get hung up on the fact that this is a futuristic sci fi movie released in '95 that had a rather unreasonable view of advancing technology.  I'm not sure it was the filmakers intent but I think of it more like speculative science fiction.  If you're unfamiliar with that term a good example of it is Alan Moore's "Watchmen" or Philip K. Dick's "The Man In the High Castle".  One of the devices used in the plot is called a S.Q.U.I.D., it records and plays back the audio and video through the first person perspective of its wearer.  The device was intended to be used as a wire for the police but is now illegal.  Because of this a black market has developed dealing these tapes.  The story revolves around a playback dealer who stumbles upon a murder plot involving a slain musician.  It may be a little far fetched but the story is unique and creative and the performances are solid.  "Strange Days" is reminiscent of a "Videodrome" of the 90's.

Reindeer Games(2000)

     I can understand the hate this movie generated at the time and continues to generate to this day, but I'm still going to defend it anyway.  People hate Ben Affleck and people love to hate the guy and for the most part I can understand that too.  It probably has something to do with roles like this.  It seems whenever he's not in a Kevin Smith film he plays a vain, shallow, alpha male type character.  I suppose most people can't identify with that kind of character so they pick the poor guy apart.  "Reindeer Games" in no way deviates from that Ben Affleck archetype, if anything it personifies it.

     The "hero" of our story is Rudy Duncan, a con who is about to be released from prison.  His cellmate, Nick, is also about to be released and talks about nothing but the pen pal he started writing from inside.  During a riot Nick is stabbed and dies.  On the transfer bus Rudy recognizes Nick's pen pal looking expectantly for him.  What motivates Rudy to get off the bus, greet her, and introduce himself as Nick is something I've always wondered.  Either he does so because he loved Nick, he feels sorry for the poor girl who has been waiting years for her pen pal to get out, or his own selfish sexual gratification.

     The two share a brief romance before Ashley's brother, Monster, shows up with his gang.  Of all the things I like about this movie I'd say the cast is the best.  You've got Gary Sinise as Monster, Donal Logue and Danny Trejo as Monster's henchmen, Dennis Farina as a former Vegas casino manager who now manages a struggling indian casino in rural Michigan, and Isaac Hayes as an extra in the prison.  If anything watching these great actors play such fun characters is entertaining enough.  More often than not Gary Sinise plays a good guy so I love to see him play the bad guy.  In my opinion he's always done a better job of that.  At least when he's playing a bad guy he has some personality.  Who knows maybe I just like a good villain.

     Through mistaken identity Monster believes Rudy to be Nick and through his love letters learned that Nick used to work security in an indian casino.  Monster wants Rudy's help to plan a heist on the casino.   Aside from Affleck's deeply flawed character and delivery the other problem I'm sure haters had was this movie has one too many twists.

Twist 1: Rudy's cellmate Nick is killed and he takes his place with his girlfriend Ashley

Twist 2: Ashley's brother interrupts their tryst to enlist Rudy/Nick's help to knock over a casino he believes he once worked at.

Twist 3: Rudy comes clean about who he is and is not believed

Twist 4: Pug, one of Monster's henchman, overhears Rudy arguing with Ashley about how he's not Nick, doubts are raised, Rudy is asked personal questions about Ashley at gunpoint to prove he is Nick.

Twist 5: Rudy escapes captivity from his hotel room (where the freakin stupid henchman leave him unguarded at all times), he overhears Ashley and Monster arguing and finds out the two are not related and are in a relationship with one another.

Twist 6: Rudy decides to escape but can't when henchmen close in on him from both sides.

Twist 7: Monster has lost all his friends during the robbery and only Rudy, himself, and Ashley have survived.  Ashley and Monster reveal how they're going to kill Rudy and frame him for the robbery.

Twist 8: Doubts are raised once again when Ashley accidentally reveals she knows how Nick died even though Rudy claims to Monster he never told her how Nick died, Ashley shoots and kills Monster, we find out that Ashley is really Nick's old girlfriend Millie Bobeck, Nick reveals himself and how he faked his death and orchestrated this whole triple cross.

     Okay so maybe some of these are just plot points and contrivances rather than twists but because of them the plot depends on way too many coincidences and variables.  Rudy has to take Nick's place and in order for Nick and Millie's plan to work all Monster's henchmen have to die in the robbery.  All this also has to depend on Rudy not escaping or getting killed by Monster or his henchman before the robbery.  On top of all that Rudy isn't a very likeable character.  He's actually kind of weaselly.  He lies, tries to tell the truth to save himself, lies to save himself, and lies to further deceive in order to save himself.  He seems to do everything but fellate Monster and his henchmen to survive.

     This is probably one of the most deeply flawed movies you'll ever see me admit to liking on this blog.  I can fully understand why someone would dislike this movie and I'm not willing to defend it or persuade someone who openly hates it.  It's a ridiculous movie and has an overly complicated plot but none of these things bother me enough not to enjoy it.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas(1966)

     "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" isn't exactly a movie as it is a tv special.  They later made it into a feature length live action movie but I think that may have been a mistake.  After all this is a classic that even members of my generation could appreciate.  Even though I've said I detest anything that is overly sentimental or has a moral I love "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" anyway.

     As I mentioned earlier I love a good villain and The Grinch is one of the best.  He's a bitter, lonely, resentful, jealous, hermit who delights in other people's misery.  He literally steals candy from babies in this special.  He reminds me a lot of myself.  We both even have a cute little dog as a sidekick.  I think it's brilliant that they got Boris Karloff who is famous for playing a green monster to voice The Grinch.  The Grinch looks like he's having a little to much fun wrecking Christmas for everyone so it's a little hard to believe he has a change of heart later on but even that doesn't bother me.  The music and the animation are both tops even though the dubbing isn't all that great.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 2012

 

Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 2012

"The epic finale that will live forever"

(Let's hope not)

      Where we left in the last movie Bella had just given birth to a half vampire half human baby and then quickly died.  Jacob imprinted on Bella's baby, Renesme, and ended the tension between the werewolves and the vampires.

     The final "Twilight" movie begins with Bella waking up and experiencing her preternatural powers for the first time. Her and Edward have a tender moment then the two decide its best for her to hunt and feed before she sees her daughter for the first time.  Out in the wilderness we get more demonstrations of Bella's vampire senses before she spots a deer, then a human climbing a mountain.  Her attention is divided to the human when he scrapes his leg and she runs after him.  Edward tries to stop her but she jumps off the cliff and back toward the same deer which is now being pursued by a mountain lion.  For clarity's sake all this takes place in just over 5 minutes rather than the 61 pages it took in the book.

      After the pair are joined by Jacob back at the house.  Jacob wants to make sure Bella is in control enough not to attack her daughter... or ummm his new girlfriend.  When everything is okay the group go inside and we get the first glimpse of Bella's daughter Renesme.

Let's just get this out of the way now.  The CGI baby looks completely fake and weird but when faced with the alternative would you rather have this or...

This?  That has got to be the weirdest freakin thing I've ever seen.  Renesme is supposed to be very emotive and move around a lot.  They could either accomplish his by use of animatronics or  computers.  They ended up using CG instead but can you really blame them.  That THING is going haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

     I'm starting to think a subtitle for this movie could be "Breaking Dawn 2: Tender Moments" because Bella gets to have another tender moment with her child before she realizes that her best friend imprinted on her.  I thought this scene was funny in the book but the movie somehow managed to top it.  Kristen Stewart isn't exactly known for her range and seeing her try to act offended and matronly is amusing.  Okay so Bella flips out and attacks Jacob and well... just take a look yourself

     For a while the movie's pacing grinds to a halt as the only interesting thing that happens is Bella and Renesme being spotted by a member of another vampire clan, Irina, that mistakes Renesme for a vampire child.   Irina rushes off to Italy to warn the vampire police or Volturi what the Cullens have done.  We get a little exposition explaining that vampire children are forbidden and are destroyed along with their creator.  Alice the psychic Cullen sees a vision of the Volturi coming for them then promptly exits for most of the movie.  With this warning the Cullens begin recruiting other vampires to help them convince the Volturi that Renesme is not an immortal child.  Just like in the book each one of these witnesses has a special power.  There's a guy who can manipulate the elements, a woman who's touch electrifies, and a woman who can subvert reality.  It is through these vampires that Bella learns of a secret power to shield herself and others from other vampire powers.

 
      I won't pretend to know much about medieval Romanians but were there a lot of platinum blonde prettyboys wandering around back then?

 
      The movie ends with the Volturi confronting the Cullens.  A fight breaks out and everyone starts attacking one another.  Towards the end of this battle we find out that it's only going on in one character's head.  The fantasy ends and Alice presents the Volturi with another half vampire half human.  They prove that Renesme poses no threat to the Volturi and they leave.

     This is not a bad movie.  This isn't even the worst "Twilight".  It's not good by any stretch of the imagination but what sets it apart from the other movies in the franchise is what makes it a little better.  We no longer have to establish the romance between Bella and Edward or Jacob and Bella, nor are we forced with Bella pleading with Edward to turn her into a vampire and Edward feeling conflicted about it.  But just because it no longer has these things doesn't mean I can excuse it from everything I've already seen.  To be fair if you hadn't seen another "Twilight" movie watching this you might be a little lost.  You also can't forget the title of this movie is "Breaking Dawn Part 2".  This movie is the second half of the last movie.  It reminds me a lot of "Kill Bill".  You have one movie that is captivating, entertaining, and filled with action and one movie that is rather boring and poorly paced but you have to look at it as part of a larger whole.

     The movie is better than the half of the book its based on.  As I've already mentioned what was 60 merciless pages in the book plays out in only 5 minutes(if only it took me that long to read those two crappy chapters).  Even though they kept the J. Jenks subplot its shortened significantly but could have and should have been edited out of the movie because it doesn't affect the plot at all and just like the book is not utilized.  The all out war only takes place in one character's mind but its more than the book gives you.  I'm sure the screenwriter figured the audience needed a climax even it was just a smokescreen.  But even the best "Twilight" movie is still a damned dull vampire movie.  75/100

This idiot can conjure fire and build walls of water but when it comes down to the big fight sequence with the Volturi he breaks open a hole straight to the center of the earth that everyone can and DOES fall into.

Vampire, werewolf, Volturi, good guy, bad guy, doesn't matter they all fall down the big hole.

Breaking Dawn(condensed version)

In case you didn't want to read my whole review of "Breaking Dawn" here is the condensed version:

     As much as I hated “Eclipse” I hated “Breaking Dawn” even more.  Stephenie Meyer follows the same damn formula for this book as she did in the last book.  In “Eclipse” an army assembles to destroy Bella and the Cullens and the conflict is revealed and quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act of the book.  In “Breaking Dawn” the Volturi assemble an army to destroy Bella and her family and the conflict is quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act.

     GOD THESE BOOKS SUCK!  After reading 3 out of the 4 I can't imagine why they have such a devoted following.  "Breaking Dawn" is bloated, slow, and just plain boring.  It's clustered with padding and nonevents that have no bearing on the plot, story, or character development. I am grateful that this is the last "Twilight" book I'm going to read.  I have no plans on reading or reviewing the first "Twilight" book.  If I get bored I might review the movie but I really don't think the first movie is that bad.  20/100 Might as well pick up "The Hunger Games" or "Ender's Game" instead of these books or better yet you could just save yourself some time and watch the movies.  The Twilight movies are just as bad but it's more fun to watch a train wreck rather than read about it. 

Breaking Dawn by Stepheine Meyer is the worst thing to happen to vampires since garlic.

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

 

“I felt like – like I don’t know what.  Like this wasn’t real.  Like was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom.”

Jacob page 185

More like really bad soap opera but that is my favorite line out of the book.  I think that proves that Stephenie Meyer knew what she was writing was trite.

     There are certainties in life.  For instance if you lay one hand flat on a table and in the other hand you pick up a hammer, raise it over your head, and bring it down as hard as you can on your hand chances are it’s gonna hurt a lot and your hand is going to be broken.  So you don’t need me telling you Stephenie Meyer sucks.  It’s as obvious as your shattered hand.  I’m also not the first person to say this.  She’s been negatively criticized since she started writing.

     As much as I hated “Eclipse” I hated “Breaking Dawn” even more.  Stephenie Meyer follows the same damn formula for this book as she did in the last book.  In “Eclipse” an army assembles to destroy Bella and the Cullens and the conflict is revealed and quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act of the book.  In “Breaking Dawn” the Volturi assemble an army to destroy Bella and her family and the conflict is quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act.

     This book also features Meyer’s trademark wasting entire chapters on nonevents that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot.  In one chapter out of the blue Jacob has a fit and runs off to forcibly imprint (imprinting is the werewolf act of finding your spiritual soul mate in this series) himself on some unlucky person.  And she wastes another two chapters on Bella’s transformation and first hunt.  I read the hardcover which is 754 pages.  The book was long enough without Meyer adding 56 pages of bullshit.  At least the wedding was a lot more toned down than in “Breaking Dawn Part 1”.

     “Breaking Dawn” begins with our protagonist Bella, monologuing to herself about how embarrassed she is about driving an expensive luxury car that’s so new it hasn’t been released for sale in the US yet.  Can you imagine how terrible a world it would be if we all had these problems?   Moving forward to Bella and Edward’s wedding, Bella meets some new vampire relatives and Jacob shows up.  Jacob freaks out and almost turns into The Incredible Wolf when Bella implies she’s going to have sex on her honeymoon as a human.  There are just so many things wrong with this.  Jacob’s concerned that Edward’s superhuman strength might harm or kill Bella when they consummate their marriage, but what does he care?!  He realizes that now that she’s married Edward he’s going to turn her into a vampire anyway and when he does she’s going to be dead to him.  Not to mention was he really naïve enough to believe that a newlywed couple wasn’t going to have sex on their honeymoon?  Also regardless of what it does to her it’s still her decision!  To get the mechanics of sex out of the way if she was on top than nobody gets hurt!  Not that this has anything to do with it but Edward’s skin is rock hard and cold as ice, now I’m not a woman but I can’t imagine sticking a popsicle up my vagina would be very comfortable or arousing.

     Off to the honeymoon where they have sex.  I’d elaborate but after all the buildup leading up to this moment the sex scenes are rather tame.  I knew it was too much to expect but I was hoping for something more explicit.  I mean these are young adult novels right?  I remember when I was reading Christopher Pike.  Those books were filled with nudity and sex.  Anyway as it turns out vampire sex is a little rough.  Edward notices the various bruises across Bella’s body the next day and apologizes and despite her objections refuses to make love to her again.  I know he’s a vampire but I’m not entirely convinced Edward is a man.  She has no problem with it and it’s not like you purposely threw her down the stairs so what’s the problem?  Let her heal up and then go in for round two.  Not long after their tryst Bella discovers she pregnant.  Apparently vampire semen is very motile.  After this discovery they fly back home to find out what to do next.

     “Breaking Dawn” is divided into 3 parts, the first part features Bella’s narration, the second Jacob’s, and the third Bella again.  This is where Jacob’s story begins and I was really looking forward to it because I’ve always hated Bella’s stupid insecure melodramatic  point of view but Jacob’s isn’t much better.  Instead Jacob’s is macho, melodramatic, cynical, and overly sarcastic.  Turns out Stephenie Meyer has no idea how to write men either but just from the titles of some of these chapters I think you can understand what I mean,

“Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m an Idiot”,

“You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude to Vampires”,

“What Do I Look Like?  The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have”. 

     Even though the Jacob part was just as bad it did have some of my favorite parts of the book.  Soon after they get back home Jacob is summoned by the leader of his pack.  During the meeting they find out Bella and Edward have returned and that Bella’s sick.  Jacob fears the worst and having nothing left to lose decides to leave town and live out the rest of his days in wolf form, but before he leaves he decides to confront Edward.

     This next part I just found hilarious.  I know I shouldn’t but if this scenario had appeared in any other book I’d find it less funny and more tragic.  When he gets to the Cullens Jacob is greeted by Edward.  Bella overhears the two chatting on the front porch and invites him in where he finds out that she is indeed sick but also pregnant.  Edward and Jacob go outside to discuss what to do next.  The two discuss the how rapidly the pregnancy is progressing and how it’s killing her.  Edward explains that Bella isn’t interested in aborting the fetus and the following conversation unfolds:

Jacob: “Just back up a second.  She won’t let you.  Did you ever notice that she’s exactly as strong as a normal 110 pound human girl?  Hold her down and knock her out with drugs.”

Edward: I wanted to, Carlisle would have but her bodyguard complicated things.

You heard it right.  This cheesy teenage romance between a human girl and a vampire just had not one or two but three characters conspiring to drug and remove a girl’s unborn baby against her own wishes and the only thing preventing them from doing this is not their own conscious but the fact that another vampire won’t let them.  Not getting into my own personal politics (because that’s not what this blog is about) I understand Bella’s reasoning.  While this is a silly love story I think this part is valid and requires some intense thought and debate.  It’s not about pro-life or pro-choice but a woman’s right to choose either way.

     Putting that aside, in another bizarre moment Edward asks Jacob to convince Bella to get rid of the baby and suggests that if what she really wants is a baby that Jacob can have one with her.  So in other words he pimps out his wife to her ex-boyfriend in order to terminate his baby that’s killing her.  This should be an episode of the Jerry Springer show.  Obviously this stupid and frankly insulting plan doesn’t work on Bella who insists on keeping her baby.

     After Bella and Jacob bond a little he rushes off and turns into a wolf.  The wolves can hear each other’s thoughts so the second he changes everybody knows what’s going on.  I don’t understand why but the wolves who see themselves as protectors of humans overact to the news of a vampire human hybrid and plan immediately to attack and kill Bella and the Cullens.  While I can kind of see why they’d perceive the baby/monster as a threat it hasn’t been born yet and hasn’t harmed anyone aside from Bella.  Their reaction makes no damn sense.  They don’t know what it is.  They don’t know what it will do.  They don’t know what it’s capable of, if anything.  And it’s being born into a family of self-righteous vampires that are strong enough physically and morally to control it.  This doesn’t matter much to the pack leader who uses his magical powers to force everyone to submit and do his bidding, but Jacob breaks the spell and runs off and is joined by Seth and his sister Leah.

     I’d say this is the most boring part of the book but let’s see what we’ve read so far.  Bella and Edward get married, they go on their honeymoon, Bella gets pregnant, they go back home, they debate over what to do about it, and Jacob breaks away from his pack.  We’re now a little over 200 pages in the book and almost nothing interesting has happened.  Even I must admit that the idea of a vampire/human hybrid pregnant is somewhat interesting.  I’ve read a lot of books and I’ve never read anything like that before.  Besides we got way more boring irrelevant shit to go.

     This is the middle of Jacob’s part of the book.  Mostly it deals with werewolf and Bella drama.  The most interesting thing going on here is explaining the wolves view on nudity which hasn’t been addressed until now.  Then we get to another kind of stupid thing.  For some reason it’s never occurred to anyone that the vampire child Bella is carrying in her belly might require blood.  As simple as it sounds this confused me.  Well it’s a vampire baby so of course it would need blood but I didn’t understand whether the accelerated growth of the baby was what was taking its toll on Bella’s body or that it was draining her blood to replenish itself.  If that was true vampire doctor would have noticed the blood loss and given her a transfusion and that would have solved the problem.  Either way she ends up drinking it rather than taking a transfusion.    

     As I mentioned earlier there’s a chapter where Jacob freaks out and runs around looking for a mate to imprint upon.  We’ve finally reached it but I can’t imagine why it was included here.  It serves absolutely no purpose.  There’s no conflict and no revelations made during this chapter and reading it just pissed me off.  Soon after Jacob's return Bella goes into labor.  After the baby is born Bella drifts off and dies.  In a rage Jacob seeks out the baby to kill it but ends up imprinting on her instead and this is were Jacob's part ends.

     Beginning Bella's second part is two wasted chapters.  The first one describes the pain she feels as she's turning into a vampire.  The second is all about her first hunt and how she overcomes the temptation to drink human blood.

     After those chapters are done wasting space Bella finally gets to meet her inappropriately named daughter, Renesme, but not before Jacob has something to say about it.  I don't know why Jacob felt it was his place to keep Bella from her daughter.  Everybody seems afraid she's going to smell her human blood and lose control but didn't she just feed on a mountain lion?  The group backs off when they realize that Bella is probably not going to attack her newborn.  She has a tender moment with her baby and we find out Renesme(god I hate typing that stupid name) has an extra sense to share her memories, thoughts, and emotions through touch.

     Bella ponders why Jacob has stuck around after she's turned into a vampire and then it finally dawns on her that Jacob has imprinted on her daughter.  She goes nuts and starts screeching at him and pushing him around flinging claims and accusations around.  Jacob begs, pleads, apologizes, and rationalizes but all his posturing falls on deaf ears.  This argument hits a climax when Jacob accidentally calls her daughter Nessie.  Bella assumes the nickname has something to do with the Loch Ness Monster and flips out and tries to attack but instead injures Seth. 

     If there's a plot to be found in Breaking Dawn this is where it hits a brick wall.  No significant events happen for the next few chapters so here's a short summary; As a wedding gift from her in-laws Bella is given a cabin close to their house, we find out that vampires really really like to have sex, the Cullens don't know how to explain Bella's disappearance or her new physical appearance so they debate about leaving town, Jacob feels he's about to lose Renesme so he turns into wolf in front of Bella's dad and invites him over without the Cullens knowledge, for whatever reason Bella's dad accepts all this, and everybody is concerned about Renesme's rapid growing.

     The "plot" decides to kick back in when Renesme is a small child(her development apparently is also sped up because rather than having the intellect of an infant she can read, speak, and walk).  I forgot to mention this earlier but during Bella and Edward's wedding a conflict begins with her extended vampire family and the wolves.  Irina, a member of the Alaskan vampire coven, notices the wolves at the wedding and blames them for killing her lover Laurent, a vampire that was trying to kill Bella in "New Moon".  As it turns out it's forbidden by the Volturi to create vampire children.  I don't know exactly what Irina has been doing all this time but at this point she is now watching the Cullens from afar when she spots Bella, Jacob, and Renesme.  When she's spotted she runs off before anyone can catch her.

     Back at the house Edward's sister Alice uses her future predicting power to see Irina telling the Volturi about Renesme and the Volturi gathering an army to destroy them all.  Soon after her vision Alice disappears with no explanation leaving the others wondering what they will do about the vampire army coming for them.  She leaves Bella a personal message in a Shakespeare book that only has a name in it and no further explanation.  Alice's vanishing is so cryptic and convoluted.  It makes sense at the end of the book but why she's so secretive about it still makes no freakin sense. The name on title page of "The Merchant of Venice" is for a worst case plan b scenario but Alice assumes that Bella can find this person in time to help.

     The name on that piece of paper is a crooked lawyer who provides the Cullens false passports and papers.  She uses him to get passports for both Jacob and Renesme so they can run away when the Volturi kills everyone.  While this happens the Cullens start gathering allies to combat the Volturi if the need arises.  As it turns out a lot of them have special powers like being able shock someone with a touch or manipulate perception or the elements.  During all this we find Bella has a hidden power to project vampire power proof shields over herself and anybody near her.

     There's really not much else to say.  This is the most anticlimatic book in the series and might just be one of the most anticlimatic books I've ever read.  The Cullens gather witnesses to plead a case to the Volturi and if they don't listen fight them.  I expected an epic battle to occur but nothing at all happened.  There is a lot of talking and debating between both gathered parties.  Irina confesses that she may have been hasty and incorrect when she accused the Cullens and is ripped apart and burned by the Volturi for it.  Towards the end of this little conflict Alice returns with proof that Renesme is no threat to the vampires.  Rather than fighting the Volturi just accept this and leave.  The book ends with Bella using her super powers so Edward can finally hear her thoughts.

     GOD THESE BOOKS SUCK!  After reading 3 out of the 4 I can't imagine why they have such a devoted following.  "Breaking Dawn" is bloated, slow, and just plain boring.  It's clustered with padding and nonevents that have no bearing on the plot, story, or character development. I am grateful that this is the last "Twilight" book I'm going to read.  I have no plans on reading or reviewing the first "Twilight" book.  If I get bored I might review the movie but I really don't think the first movie is that bad.  20/100 Might as well pick up "The Hunger Games" or "Ender's Game" instead of these books or better yet you could just save yourself some time and watch the movies.  The Twilight movies are just as bad but it's more fun to watch a train wreck rather than read about it.

"glower"
Bella & Jacob 15, 41, 187, 333, 470, 506, 
This is Stephenie Meyer's favorite word.  It's obvious she doesn't have a thesaurus or doesn't care to use one.  Six times in one book might not seem like much but it is such an unusual word that I took notice every time it was used.  Its used numerous times throughout the last two novels as well but I didn't have a mind to count them all.  She uses the word glower even more often than Stephen King uses the word apt.

GLOWER

1.

to look or stare with sullen dislike, discontent, or anger

noun

2.

a look of sullen dislike, discontent, or anger

and here are some synonyms she could have used instead: look, glare, stare, watch, scowl, and my personal favorite look daggers.

"Lingerie.  Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags."
Bella page 81
Further proof Stephenie Meyer doesn't have a thesaurus.  Just looking at that sentence is painful.

"I wasn't this happy when you decided you loved me more than you wanted to kill me."
Bella to Edward page 94
Loving someone means never having to say I want to kill you.  If you say this to your partner on your honeymoon you married the wrong person.

"We weren't monsters--in that sense, anyway"
Jacob page 245
This is the second time Stephenie Meyer tried to refer to monsters as not being monsters.

"How about, 'Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.'"
Jacob to Bella page 298
This is a good question passed off as sarcastic joke.  Aside from maybe grieving over a dead loved one I can't think of an emotion more painful than unrequited love, rejection, and having to see that person with someone else.  Jacob feels all these things but then we get...

"I'm not going to pretend to understand why Bella is unable to let go you, but I do know she does not behave this way to hurt you."
 Edward to Jacob page 338
I'll never understand why some women string ex-boyfriends along and go to such great lengths to keep them in their lives.  Stephenie Meyer on the other hand only seemed to keep the ex along to create tension and occasionally have someone to help save the day.  Maybe its just because I'm a guy but I feel sorry for Jacob.

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?!"
Bella to Jacob page 451
I just thought this line was funny.  I'm sure it wasn't meant to be but there are a few things I found wrong with it.  Jacob calls Renesme Nessie by accident and Bella assumes the nickname has something to do with the famous Scottish hoax.  Nessie to me sounds close enough to Renesme not to be a nickname.  Besides if it were my name I'd take Nessie over Renesme monster jokes be damned.