The Vault of Horror - 1973

The Vault of Horror - 1973

Below the Crypt lies Death's waiting room The Vault of Horror

Seeing as this is the last Amicus movie I'm going to be reviewing this month I've decided to change the format of my synopsis.  Honestly I wish this idea came to me from the beginning.

Segment 1 Midnight Mess:  A man hires a private detective in order to find his long lost sister.  It turns out she lives in a strange town where there have been 17 disappearances and no one goes outside for fear of "them".

Segment 2 The Neat Job: An aging life-long bachelor marries the daughter of a colleague, unaccustomed to sharing space with someone he goes balistic whenever something is out of place.  His wife lives in terror every time the husband comes home trying desperately to get any misplaced items back into place.

Segment 3 This Trick'll Kill You: A husband and wife magician team visit India in order to find new tricks for their acts.  They come across a street performer who is able to erect a rope strong enough to climb up using a magic flute.  The husband offers to pay the performer for this trick but she refuses.

Segment 4 Bargain in Death: A failing author plans to fake his own death so his best friend can collect the insurance money but he isn't expecting his friend to betray him and leave him for dead in his own coffin.

Segment 5 Drawn and Quartered: A struggling artist living in Haiti finds out he was cheated by his associates into believing his paintings are worthless while they're making a fortune off them.  He visits a voodoo priest to get revenge and now whatever he paints becomes real.

     Once again we start off with a dud but this one isn't nearly as bad as "And All Through the House".  Just like that one this one was remade for the Tales From the Crypt series.  This segment is not too bad and unlike "All Through..." I don't feel the need to skip it when I watch the movie.  Perhaps I'm biased because the later episode is one my favorites from Tales From the Crypt.  In "Mournin Mess" the monsters are ghouls instead of vampires as they are here.  The makeup was done a heck of a lot better too.  The goofy prosthetic teeth the vampires are given look like they're barely being held in their mouths.  They look more like walruses than vampires and I can't help but chuckle every time they're revealed in the end.  Even though I don't particularly like this segment I gotta give it up to them for casting real life brother and sister Daniel and Anna Massey as movie siblings.  I love it when movies do that.  From Beyond the Grave did something similar with Donald and Angela Pleasence.

 

 The Vault of Horror Segment 1 Midnight Mess

Tales From the Crypt S03 Ep10 Mournin Mess

Which do you find more terrifying?

     I love this next segment.  I don't know if we're meant to sympathize more with the wife who can't seem to do anything right or the overbearing husband who berates his wife over silly things like forgetting to put spaghetti sauce on the shopping list.  Honestly I sympathize with both.  I tend to go batshit when someone moves or borrows something of mine without telling me but at the same time I can understand trying to do your best to please someone who seems impossible.  Unlike its HBO counterpart I like this one way more.  The HBO one featured a career driven husband forced into retirement who neglected his wife for their entire marriage and since they never had kids she became the world's most eccentric cat lady.  In that one you tend to sympathize more with the husband because the wife is so nutty and unreasonable.  However, in this version its the husband who is an unreasonable bully.  Two versions of the same story, both different, but one is way better.

     I don't have a whole lot to say about the rest of the movie except that Drawn and Quartered is my favorite segment.  Its more creative and inspired (even though it pays homage to The Picture of Dorian Grey) than the rest and its sense of ironic retribution is reminiscent of the comic books.  Although I haven't seen all the Amicus horror flicks this remains my favorite.  90/100

Tales From the Crypt - 1972

 

Tales From the Crypt - 1972

Death lives in the vault of horror!

 

      Tales From the Crypt is another anthology film from Amicus Productions.  Each of the segments are based off stories from the old EC Comics of the same name, as well as The Vault of Horror and Haunt of Fear(the Tales From the Crypt TV show did the same thing).  The first segment, "And All Through the House, features a woman who kills her husband on Christmas eve only to be stalked by a murderous psychopath dressed as Santa Claus.  The second segment, "Reflections of Death", is about a man who is leaving his wife for his mistress but gets in a car crash.  When he wakes up no one seems to recognize him.  The third segment, "Poetic Justice", is about a man who does his best to drive the neighborhood widower to commit suicide and succeeds.  "Wish You Were Here" is Tale From the Crypt's macabre take on The Monkey's Paw.  Our final segment is titled "Blind Alleys", a former Army Sergeant takes over a home for the blind and his negligence, callousness, and selfishness causes the tenants to capture and put him in an elaborate death trap.

     This is one of the weaker Amicus flicks I've seen.  The movie starts off with a story I don't like here, in the comic, or even as the second episode of the HBO series.  This version I'd say is the worst.  The TV version gives us a little more insight into why this woman just decides to kill her husband but here we're not given so much as a motive other than insurance money.  The guy even seems kind of nice as he's placing a present under the tree to"the best wife in the world".  I guess its even more disappointing that I usually love stories where horrific things happen on the happiest day of the year.  

     The rest of the movie is pretty good and I have a hard time picking out which segment I like best out of what remains.  If I had to pick one I'd have to say its Blind Alleys.  This is another one that shows up in the HBO series but I think Amicus' version is much better.  The actor who plays the lead blind man is just so good!  I don't know if he really was blind but he pulls it off excellently, he's also really menacing when it comes time to punish the Sergeant.  

     Peter Cushing shows up again as the widower in Poetic Justice.  Its all the more tragic that at the time this movie was filmed Cushing lost his wife in real life and wanted to play this part so much he was willing to take a pay cut.  I suppose this was a form a therapy for him.  I really liked this segment and its mostly because of Cushing.  I'd say most people recognize him as Grand Moff Tarkin from the first Star Wars movie, or as Frankenstein in the Hammer Frankenstein films where he pretty much plays an asshole, for the savvy they may even recognize him as the famous vampire hunter Van Helsing.  Regardless all these characters have one thing in common, they're all strong or in charge characters.  What I like so much about this one is its so against type for Cushing.  He's really sad, sympathetic and vulnerable in this role and it may be my favorite because of that.

    Despite All Through the House this is a pretty solid movie and since its the first segment I reckon you could just press skip and not have to worry about it.  The stories aren't at creepy and atmospheric as From Beyond the Grave, just like the stories they are based on they took a more visceral approach with this one.  I find it perplexing that they used the title Tales From the Crypt but mentions the Vault of Horror in the tagline.  The Vault of Horror was the next anthology Amicus released but were they going to use a different title for that or was it all just one big marketing screw up?  The Crypt Keeper makes in appearance (as he appeared in the comics not like the undead ghoul of the show) in this movie and is credited as the Crypt Keeper but is he really The Vault Keeper?  The Vault Keeper isn't in the next movie but was the Crypt Keeper suppose to reprise his role in that one?  It raises many questions that only an obsessed fan would ask.  Even though I don't like the first one 4 out of 5 segments is still pretty good 83/100.

EC's Crypt Keeper

Amicus' Crypt Keeper

HBO's Crypt Keeper.  CK's had more faces than Michael Jackson.

From Beyond the Grave - 1974

 

From Beyond the Grave - 1974

Terror to delight worshipers of the Macabre.  

     From Beyond the Grave is an anthology of 4 stories written by British author R. Chetwynd-Hayes connected by use of an antique shop.  The stories include The Gate Crasher about a man who purchases a mirror at the shop that is a portal to underworld, An Act of Kindness about an unhappily family man who befriends a veteran and his daughter, The Elemental about a man who has a chance meeting with a medium who tells him he's got a demon on his shoulder, and The Door about a man who purchases an ornate door for his home and finds out the door opens to another dimension.

     Amicus Productions released several anthology horror films during the 70's and in my opinion this is the best, not to say that the others are lacking in any way.  From Beyond the Grave has this rather nasty and gloomy atmosphere that affects me more than the jump scares or visceral horror of today.  My favorite segment is The Gate Crasher which is very similar to Julia's plot in Hellraiser.  It involves a man who buys an antique mirror and a spirit who requires blood in order to return to the land of the living.  My least favorite segment is The Elemental.  Its like a lot of segments in anthology movies meant to lighten the mood with a comedic twist.  Its not bad and I don't skip it when watching the movie but at the same time its still a weak link.

 I find it amusing that Donald and Angela Pleasence are playing father and daughter in this movie.  I always love it when they do this in movies  This is my first time seeing her.  Heck I didn't even know he had a daughter.  She looks exactly like him too and I can't help but find her attractive.  This raises all kinds of troubling questions about my sexuality like do I really want to sleep with Donald Pleasence.

     Amicus seemed to be picking up where Hammer Films left off by leading the way in the field of British horror.  I feel like anyone who's a fan of the Hammer films is also going to be a fan of Amicus largely because they employed a lot of the same actors(Christopher Lee, Ingrid Pitt, Peter Cushing).  The characters are well developed, its well acted, and the stories are spooky.  I honestly can't think of a better movie to watch for Halloween. 90/100

Opposing Force aka Hell Camp

It sure has been a long time since I posted anything here but I saw a movie last night that really got me thinking.  I didn't even seek this one out or hear about it from word of mouth, in fact I just watched it on a whim.  I may very well be the last person to view and record vhs tapes.  This was as true back in the early 2000's as it is now.  The night I recorded Red Dragon on Encore was a very unusual night.  Having used the vhs format for so long I understood how viable blanks were after repeat viewings and recordings so I was usually pretty careful about not falling asleep while recording something.  This night was different however and I accidentally ended up recording all of Encore's programming that night.  It included Red Dragon, Opposing Force, Superfly, with a repeat showing of Red Dragon.  Can you imagine some weird insomniac staying up all night and watching these movies one after another?  Actually it kinda sounds like fun to me.

Opposing Force - 1986

"In Hell Camp you are an animal... to be broken, lied to, humiliated and violated." 

     A group of soldiers are taking part in a combat training exercise.  One by one they get captured and find out the point of the exercise wasn't combat training but preparing them for the physical and psychological abuses of POW camps.  The commanding officer goes over the edge while torturing one of the prisoners and they escape.  He then hunts them down actively trying to kill them.

     In many ways Opposing Force is ahead of its time.  The lead character in the movie is a female soldier who enters the program in order to get combat certified even though women are still not approved for combat in the military.  And this is a struggle that continues in real life to this day.  At one point she's even waterboarded and most of us didn't even know what that was until the Bush administration.  I expected a majority of the movie to consist of the commandant chasing and killing the prisoners but the movie tends to center more around the camp and the tactics used there.  I was pleasantly surprised by this because I thought it was going to be another ridiculous 80's action flick. The mental and physical torture adds a lot of depth, making a statement rather than just entertainment.

     The acting in Opposing Force is pretty solid.  Soon after their capture the prisoners get paranoid, turn on one another, and unsuccessfully try to escape.  The conditions and torture (not to mention the use of live rounds) at the camp makes you believe they're doing this for real rather than simulating it.  The most powerful preformence goes to Tom Skerrit when he finds out the commandant raped Lieutenant Casey.  He flips out, starts screaming, and demands to end the training and take command himself.  The commandant himself is pretty menacing but doesn't push it over the top when he loses it.

I give this an 86/100.  The only thing that disappointed me was how abruptly it ended.  It feels like the chase should have lasted longer but they didn't have enough money or something ended up on the cutting room floor.  The ending itself wasn't particularly good either but everything leading up to it was great.  I'd definitely recommend this movie.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 2012

 

Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 2012

"The epic finale that will live forever"

(Let's hope not)

      Where we left in the last movie Bella had just given birth to a half vampire half human baby and then quickly died.  Jacob imprinted on Bella's baby, Renesme, and ended the tension between the werewolves and the vampires.

     The final "Twilight" movie begins with Bella waking up and experiencing her preternatural powers for the first time. Her and Edward have a tender moment then the two decide its best for her to hunt and feed before she sees her daughter for the first time.  Out in the wilderness we get more demonstrations of Bella's vampire senses before she spots a deer, then a human climbing a mountain.  Her attention is divided to the human when he scrapes his leg and she runs after him.  Edward tries to stop her but she jumps off the cliff and back toward the same deer which is now being pursued by a mountain lion.  For clarity's sake all this takes place in just over 5 minutes rather than the 61 pages it took in the book.

      After the pair are joined by Jacob back at the house.  Jacob wants to make sure Bella is in control enough not to attack her daughter... or ummm his new girlfriend.  When everything is okay the group go inside and we get the first glimpse of Bella's daughter Renesme.

Let's just get this out of the way now.  The CGI baby looks completely fake and weird but when faced with the alternative would you rather have this or...

This?  That has got to be the weirdest freakin thing I've ever seen.  Renesme is supposed to be very emotive and move around a lot.  They could either accomplish his by use of animatronics or  computers.  They ended up using CG instead but can you really blame them.  That THING is going haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

     I'm starting to think a subtitle for this movie could be "Breaking Dawn 2: Tender Moments" because Bella gets to have another tender moment with her child before she realizes that her best friend imprinted on her.  I thought this scene was funny in the book but the movie somehow managed to top it.  Kristen Stewart isn't exactly known for her range and seeing her try to act offended and matronly is amusing.  Okay so Bella flips out and attacks Jacob and well... just take a look yourself

     For a while the movie's pacing grinds to a halt as the only interesting thing that happens is Bella and Renesme being spotted by a member of another vampire clan, Irina, that mistakes Renesme for a vampire child.   Irina rushes off to Italy to warn the vampire police or Volturi what the Cullens have done.  We get a little exposition explaining that vampire children are forbidden and are destroyed along with their creator.  Alice the psychic Cullen sees a vision of the Volturi coming for them then promptly exits for most of the movie.  With this warning the Cullens begin recruiting other vampires to help them convince the Volturi that Renesme is not an immortal child.  Just like in the book each one of these witnesses has a special power.  There's a guy who can manipulate the elements, a woman who's touch electrifies, and a woman who can subvert reality.  It is through these vampires that Bella learns of a secret power to shield herself and others from other vampire powers.

 
      I won't pretend to know much about medieval Romanians but were there a lot of platinum blonde prettyboys wandering around back then?

 
      The movie ends with the Volturi confronting the Cullens.  A fight breaks out and everyone starts attacking one another.  Towards the end of this battle we find out that it's only going on in one character's head.  The fantasy ends and Alice presents the Volturi with another half vampire half human.  They prove that Renesme poses no threat to the Volturi and they leave.

     This is not a bad movie.  This isn't even the worst "Twilight".  It's not good by any stretch of the imagination but what sets it apart from the other movies in the franchise is what makes it a little better.  We no longer have to establish the romance between Bella and Edward or Jacob and Bella, nor are we forced with Bella pleading with Edward to turn her into a vampire and Edward feeling conflicted about it.  But just because it no longer has these things doesn't mean I can excuse it from everything I've already seen.  To be fair if you hadn't seen another "Twilight" movie watching this you might be a little lost.  You also can't forget the title of this movie is "Breaking Dawn Part 2".  This movie is the second half of the last movie.  It reminds me a lot of "Kill Bill".  You have one movie that is captivating, entertaining, and filled with action and one movie that is rather boring and poorly paced but you have to look at it as part of a larger whole.

     The movie is better than the half of the book its based on.  As I've already mentioned what was 60 merciless pages in the book plays out in only 5 minutes(if only it took me that long to read those two crappy chapters).  Even though they kept the J. Jenks subplot its shortened significantly but could have and should have been edited out of the movie because it doesn't affect the plot at all and just like the book is not utilized.  The all out war only takes place in one character's mind but its more than the book gives you.  I'm sure the screenwriter figured the audience needed a climax even it was just a smokescreen.  But even the best "Twilight" movie is still a damned dull vampire movie.  75/100

This idiot can conjure fire and build walls of water but when it comes down to the big fight sequence with the Volturi he breaks open a hole straight to the center of the earth that everyone can and DOES fall into.

Vampire, werewolf, Volturi, good guy, bad guy, doesn't matter they all fall down the big hole.

Twilight Saga: Eclipse - 2010

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse - 2010

Out of all the Twilight movies this one has to be my favorite.  It’s not what I’d call a good movie but at least it’s better constructed than the other ones.  Eclipse begins with a horror atmosphere as some unlucky unnamed character gets attacked by an invisible assailant on an abandoned dock after dark while it’s raining buckets.  Yeah the dark and stormy night backdrop is overplayed and cliché but you’ll never hear me complain that someone has added a little Kool-Aid to Twilight’s sugary water.  In a transition reminiscent of those in the book the scene goes from dark and stormy to bright sunny and flowery as Bella and Edward are lying in a grassy field talking (or arguing?) about getting married and we’re reminded exactly what kind of movie we’re watching.  Unlike the other Twilight movies, and to an extent the books, this movie has something at least vaguely resembling a plot which makes it a lot more watchable despite the fact that it still contains some of the worst actors, characters, and dialogue in cinema history.

Like I said this movie actually has a plot but even that gets interrupted for the romance and conflict between Bella, Edward, and Jacob.  It also makes room for the backstories of characters I’m sure not even the fans cared about.  I always thought it was odd that they included these backstories even though they aren’t relevant to the plot or even the characters narrating them and only slow things down but they were in the book so I guess they thought they needed to be in the movie.  Well at least we get a better idea of who the werewolves are and why and how they change… NO WAIT WE DON’T!  The only explanation the viewer is given is that they’re native americans and native americans are a very magical and spiritual people.  This flimsy excuse bothers me but I suppose it’d bother me even more if I was native American. 

I’m not sure if I’m the first person to pick up on this but “Eclipse” is loaded with sexual tension and undertones.  I may have been the last person on earth to find out Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and her values made their way into her books.  Jacob forces himself on Bella all throughout the movie and when that fails resorts to emotional psychological tactics.  He even says she doesn’t know what she wants (apparently he does) and she’s in love with him she just doesn’t know it yet (which is something he proves to her in the book… by forcing himself on her).  Bella forces herself upon an unwilling Edward all but saying if you really loved me you’d put out and against the instincts of every straight man alive or undead refuses her.  Meanwhile Edward refuses to change Bella into a vampire or have sex with her until they get married.  My personal favorite scene is where Bella’s father Charlie tries to have “the talk” with her.

The movie climaxes with an all-out war between the vampires and werewolves.  The effects are kinda bad and you’re constantly reminded that the wolves are nothing more than pixelated cartoons and the vampires tend to break apart easier than the cheapest plastic action figure.

The love triangle is overplayed.  The characters are dull at the best of times and deplorable at the worst.   The performances aren’t much better.   Since the movie tends to reveal more about the plot it takes away the mystery of who’s causing the attacks and raising the vampire army.  Even in the face of all its flaws “Eclipse” isn’t as much of a disaster as the other installments in the series.  68/100 almost passable as a movie but not quite.  Good try though.

Twilight Saga: New Moon - 2009

The Twilight Saga: New Moon - 2009

The books may be bad but at least they don’t have Kristen Steward and Robert Pattinson.  The two Twilight leads have gained a lot of hate (as well as admiration I suppose) and I don’t want to jump on the band wagon but they’re just not very good.  Thankfully we don’t get much Pattinson in this movie.  He’s just in the movie long enough to spout exposition, dump Bella, create a conflict at the end of the movie, and immediately resolve it.  As simplistic as that summary is the movie is a little more complex, but not by much.

Here is a 2x4

Here is Kristen Stewart.  Can you tell the difference?

“New Moon” begins in the middle of an action sequence (that we don’t get to see until the end of the movie) that transitions into a nightmare about aging.  This is a recurring theme throughout this and later entries in the series.  Bella complaining that she is getting too old or is tired of being human and begging, extorting, or manipulating her vampric boyfriend into changing her.  It gets old fast.  Bella is still in high school and is all of 18 years old in this movie.  I don’t remember being that concerned with age at 18, 29 yes but 18 seems a bit young for a mid-life crisis.  Her friends and family are intent on chiding her about this by mocking her, giving her birthday presents, and a birthday party in spite of her many objections.

The Cullens hold a birthday party for her where she gives herself a paper cut on a present that creates a feeding frenzy.  Overacting to this Edward dumps Bella and leaves the country along with his family and this is where the movie starts to get really weird.  In the books Bella narrates in first person.  Who she’s relating these events to is unclear… I always figured they were journal entries but the format is a little too descriptive and impersonal than a diary entry.  They kept the first person narration in the first movie but in this one the narration takes place through emails to Edward’s sister Alice.  The efforts are for naught as the emails are being forwarded back to her from a deleted accounted.  I guess you could argue that the emails are therapeutic but I always wondered why she bothered.  I also wondered why the filmmakers decided to change the narrative format when it didn’t matter what format the narrative took.  Regardless as a result of her boyfriend leaving her she goes insane.  She starts having screaming nightmares and isolating herself from her friends.  Her father becomes concerned and she promises him she’s fine and to prove it she has movie night with her estranged friend.  Here’s something else I don’t understand, for months she’s abandoned her friends but as soon as she decides to reconnect they accept her as if nothing happened.   They don’t seem all that curious or concerned why she secluded herself but are willing to forgive her for it.  I should be so lucky to have friends like these.

Her psychosis continues as she approaches a group of bikers who reminds her of some thugs that were supposedly going to rape or kill her in the first movie.  Assuming that these are the same thugs I can’t imagine what she hoped to accomplish by confronting them.  IN MOVIES CHARACTERS HAVE TO HAVE MOTIVATIONS AND THAT HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!  Whatever the reason she hops on the back of one the bikes and is taken for a joy ride until the motorcycle reaches a certain speed and she hallucinates an image of Edward warning her to stop.  Just like in the book she becomes a junkie for these hallucinations.  So she gets a couple of bikes and reunites with yet another friend who of course accepts her without incident.  He also agrees to help her rebuild these bikes in secret and teach her how to ride them.

As they’re rebuilding the bikes a friendship blossoms through montage and Bella starts to forget about Edward.  All of a sudden halfway through the movie Jacob disappears and Bella becomes miserable again.  After several unsuccessful attempts to reach out to Jacob she visits his house only to be turned away.  Realizing she has nothing left to keep her sane she goes looking for the spot in the forest her and Edward used to… ummm sit and talk to one another?  It’s not clear exactly what they do there.  Normal teen couples would probably make out, have sex, get high, or drink but when they’re there they just chat at stare at each other.

While in the forest she comes across a vampire who threatens to kill her but just as he’s about to do so a pack of giant wolves comes out of nowhere and chases him away.  It is revealed not too much later that Jacob is a part of this pack and can morph into a wolf.  Later on Bella jumps off a cliff to force another hallucination and nearly drowns.  Unfortunately she’s saved and Alice the psychic Cullen sees this and comes rushing from wherever her and the rest of the Cullens have been hiding.  Through a misconception Edward believes Bella to be dead and decides to break vampire law to be killed by their governing body.  Bella finds this out through Alice and they go racing off to Italy to stop him.  Unfortunately they succeed but the vampire police? government? royalty? enforcers?, want to talk to them anyway.  Alice, Bella, and Edward are taken to a group of vampires called The Volturi that is led by one of the most manically flamboyant vampires you will ever see in a movie.  We find out that Bella for no reason at all is immune to vampire superpowers.  Believing Bella to be a threat they attempt to kill her and a fight breaks out between Edward and one of the bad guys.  At the moment Edward is about to be sacrificed Bella pleads to take his place.  This ruse works and the Volturi let them all go with the promise that they turn Bella into a vampire.  The movie ends and everyone lives happily forever or at least until the next movie.

Despite its obvious defects “New Moon” made some improvements from its predecessor and of course the book.  The soundtrack for one still sucks but it’s a little better, the colors aren’t as muted as they were in the first film, and the parallels to “Romeo & Juliet” are reduced to one mention as a book report.  On the flipside characters fashions, hairstyles, mannerisms, and accents change without rhyme or reason.  “New Moon” has only the thinnest plot and plays out like a really bad daytime soap.  If anything both movie and book remind me of a line from “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, yeah sure “New Moon” is bad but it’s “mostly harmless”. 62/100

Rob Zombie's Halloween - 2007

Confession time

Confession 1 – I hate The Devil’s Rejects and always have.  I’ve always felt like an outcast for not adoring this movie when my friends, relatives, and even other cult film reviewers have.  I just found the movie needlessly cruel and sadistic.

Confession 2 – This seems an almost more controversial opinion because I liked House of 1,000 Corpses.  Most people who absolutely love Devil’s Rejects tend to agree that they didn’t really get House of 1,000 Corpses.

Confession 3 - I am not entirely against horror remakes.  There have been a few I actually liked.  The Hills Have Eyes, Last House on the Left, and Dawn of the Dead are just some examples of horror remakes I love, which brings me to:

Confession 3.1 – However unpopular it is to say this I did not entirely hate The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Confession 3.2 – Or Friday the 13^th

Confession 3.3 – I am not looking forward to Diablo fucking Cody’s Evil Dead

Confession 4 – I’ve never been a fan of the “Halloween” franchise.  The first one is really good but I’ve never seen the second one and have only seen a few of the sequels.  I was always a bigger fan of the “Friday the 13^th” and “Hellraiser” movies.

Confession 5 - I have now seen a movie I dislike 3 times.

Evil Unmasked

     A lot of times when a horror movie is remade it’s directed by an amateur trying to make a name for himself or a studio puppet the production company picked out because he or she somehow managed to impress them.  Whatever the reason may be I can’t tell you why these movies failed to impress their target audiences.  I can tell you that there is a younger audience who may never see the originals because the remakes are so lousy or don’t see the need to see the same movie twice or may not be interested in them because they are old.  What is lacking is competent writing, relatable characters, and faithfulness to the original films.  Seems like these remakes suffer from one thing above all else and that’s that they’re trying to make something new and original from previously established characters and situations.  They are short sighted and delusional enough to believe that they can make an original film from an unoriginal concept.  And I really don’t know what we the movie goer are expecting either.  We’ve seen the originals, do we expect them to make the same exact movie and then get pissed when they give us something else?

     I remember the hype built up for Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween to be mostly positive among fans and I was no different.  As excited as I was to see what Rob Zombie was going to do with “Halloween” I didn’t get to see it until long after it had gone to dvd.  For that reason I’ll be reviewing the unrated version.

     After seeing this movie I was more disillusioned and disgusted than angry.  The weekend I watched this movie I also watched the remake of “Last House on the Left” and the remake of “I Spit on Your Grave”.  If you’ve seen one or all of these movies it should come as no surprise to you that they all have one thing in common, RAPE!  In “Last House” and “I Spit on Your Grave” you’d expect it because these movies are about rape but when I started watching “Halloween” I was sure I was going to get a respite from this.  What’s worse is unlike the aforementioned films the rape has no relevance to the plot.  The rape is treated as a means for Michael Myers to escape his padded cell.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen rape used a plot device in a movie before and it really bothers me that Rob Zombie takes rape so lightly.  Alas this is just another example of Zombie’s warped psyche.  It must be Rob Zombie’s view that we are all hiding monsters and his characters are unafraid to reveal these inner demons.  Regardless of whether they are good or bad all his characters have reckless abandon and lack of restraint.  The way they interact with one another feels alien.  Rob Zombie has reduced his characters to the world’s worst trailer park populated by nothing but angry violent sexaholics.

     The movie begins with the world’s most dysfunctional family so it’s should come as to no surprise that one of them would turn into a violent psychotic criminal.  The family consists of five people, a lazy abusive perverted alcoholic alpha male step father or boyfriend, the stressed and concerned stripper mother, the sarcastic lippy promiscuous teenage daughter, the baby who “cries and shits”, and of course Michael Myers who kills his pets and wears clown masks to the breakfast table.  In the first four minutes the step dad taunts a baby, tells his wife her daughter “has a nice dumper”, flings the entire breakfast arrangement to the floor, and threatens to break his arm against his step son’s head.  I’m sure we can all relate to this since this is the average American family having the average American breakfast.  This is pretty typical for a Rob Zombie movie.  All the families in all his movies have been crazy or dysfunctional which just leads me to wonder what Rob Zombie’s upbringing was like.

     After that scene we join Michael at school where of course he is bullied by bigger kids.  He is cornered in the bathroom when rather than just beat him like most real life bullies would have done they accuse his mother and sister of being whores until they provoke him into a fight.  The principal overhears this bathroom skirmish and breaks it up.  What happens next is hilarious.  One of the bullies accuses Michael of starting the fight.  Uhhh yeah right the two of you had him on the ground when this was broken up, not to mention there are two of you to his one.  The principal just saved Michael from an ass whuppin and rather than thank him he yells FUCK YOU out of the blue.  In my schools the two bullies would have been punished and Michael would have gotten a lecture about trying to avoid fights in the future.

     The next scene is a laugh riot too.  Michael’s mother joins him at the principal’s office where she cusses belligerently at him.  The principal has called in a child psychologist and the look on Mrs. Myers face is priceless as she asks, “psychologist?”  Somehow she’s shocked that Michael’s angry abusive home life may be affecting him.  They show her the body of a dead cat in a ziplock bag that they found in Michael’s backpack and she says, “big deal so he found a dead cat”.  I think Mrs. Myers has just won the in denial Mother of the Year award.  

Psychologist?

     While his mother argues with Dr. Loomis(the child psychologist) Michael runs off and stalks one of the bullies he was just fighting with.  As soon as he gets him alone in the woods Michael starts beating him to a bloody pulp with a tree branch.  Before Michael finishes him off the bully sobbingly pleads for his life.  I have no sympathy for this one dimensional archetype as Michael continues to bludgeon him.

     I really didn’t want to go scene by scene with this movie but it’s like each scene is worse than the last.  Later that night Michael is sitting watching tv with his stepfather when he starts to taunt him about killing small animals.  I just can’t help but wonder why the hell Michael’s mom confided in her husband about this when it was previously established that this man loves tormenting his stepson. 

     The next few scenes are pretty bizarre.  We’re shown a montage of Michael trick or treating by himself while his mother strips.  The montage is pretty unnecessary because we already know that his mother is a stripper and likewise that Michael is a sad loner.  Michael goes home where he chows down on candy while his sister gets laid.  I haven’t mentioned this before but Michael’s stepdad has a broken leg, broken arm, and broken fingers.  The reason I mention this is because all of a sudden Michael just snaps.  He duct tapes his stepfather to his recliner and slits his throat.  I’m sure even if you didn’t restrain him he’d have no way of fighting back or running away.  After giving his sister the business her boyfriend goes downstairs to make himself a snack.  What a class act.  Before this character is given a chance of bullying or teasing Michael he is beaten to death with an aluminum bat. 

     The next time we see Michael he’s in an asylum.  When asked he has no idea why he is there or what he’s done.  There’s also a scene where he asks his mother how everyone back home is doing.  I think it’s pretty damn convenient that he doesn’t remember a thing.  When you think about it Michael’s entire backstory is convenient.  He has all the earmarks of a stereotypical serial killer, he’s a loner, has a troubled home life, is bullied, and tortures small animals.  I think it would have been better if there was no method for Michael’s madness and he just simply was a monster.  That’s how Dr. Loomis explains it in the original movie.

     Michael fails to adjust to life in the asylum and becomes more withdrawn and stops talking entirely.  After a failed session with Dr. Loomis Michael is left alone with a nurse who is stupid enough to tease and turn her back on him giving him the perfect opportunity to kill.  After this episode his mother realizes that Michael is never going to get any better and commits suicide leaving him all alone.

     Flash forward fifteen years and Michael is now almost 7 feet tall and built like a pro wrestler.  A lot of faithful elitists took issue with the character changes in this and The Friday the 13^th and Texas Chainsaw Massacre remakes.  It doesn’t bother me that Jason is now a master trapper and is faster than an Olympic sprinter, or that Leatherface is now a sympathetic freak of nature, and it doesn’t bother me that Rob Zombie made average sized Michael Myers to a giant hulking behemoth.  I actually like Michael this way.  His added size and bulk make him more threatening even though it really doesn’t make sense.  In his childhood scenes he shuts down completely and is almost catatonic.  So how and when did Michael find the time and energy to work out regularly in his depressed state?

     This is the last scene I’m going to be doing a scene by scene for.  We’re introduced by the single most repellant character in this movie and with a movie that has so many repellant characters that’s saying something.  The angriest and most insecure orderly in the world greets Michael for his last session with Dr. Loomis by saying, “Let’s go fucknut” and “I’ll be a shitstorm in your worst nightmare mother fucker”.  I feel like I’m starting to sound like a broken record here but why is he taunting Myers?  If this is how he talks to all these mental patients why haven’t his superiors fired him yet?  If that wasn’t bad enough his buddy calls him in after work to rape a woman.  Instead of just raping her they drag her into Michael’s room to rape her while they yell and call him names.  Understandably Michael gets pissed and kills them both while they have their pants around their ankles and escapes.

Raping a mental patient in front of a giant violent psychopath, it’s the perfect crime!

     Thus ends Michael Myers backstory and we can move on to the Halloween we all know and love… uhhhh sort of.  With the spotlight off Michael Myers we now follow Laurie Strode and her friends.  The characters are now more likable but not by a whole bunch.  I remember feeling the first time how unnatural the dialogue between these teenage girls felt.  Another thing that disturbed me was the lengths they went to make these girls look like teenagers.  After the unnecessary rape the sex scene the later sex scenes with Laurie Strode’s friends made me uncomfortable all over again.

     After the Michael Myers subplot there’s nothing special about the rest of this movie.  It’s almost like two different short movies.  The tone changes so drastically.  With the Michael Myers backstory it goes from a boring predictable melodrama(or soap opera) to a straight horror movie.  The latter half of this movie is just a bland remake.  It changes some things and adds others but it doesn’t set itself apart from any other remake.

So to recap here’s what’s wrong with the Halloween remake

An unnecessary backstory that makes this movie feel more like a prequel.

Unlikable characters everywhere… except for Michael who is being pushed around both at home, school, and later at the asylum by bullies.

Dumb characters who do dumb things like taunt giant insane serial killers.

Really bad dialogue

Too much excess; too long, too padded, too boring, too stylish, too violent, too much nudity and sex(can’t even believe I’m saying that)

Sheri Moon.  I know she’s your wife and you love her but does she have to be in everything you’re involved in?

     I can’t remember the last time I felt so divided about a movie.  There are parts of this movie are interesting and original but on the whole is a dull retread of things we’ve already seen.  The cinematography is really good but I can’t say I’m at all interested in what the camera is pointing at.  Previously established characters take a 180 shift in personality making them obnoxious to the point where I really don’t care what happens to them.  I’m not one of those people that believes you can’t remake classic horror movies.  It can be done and it can be done well.  Rob Zombie’s Halloween does not do it well.  It attempts to make something new and original but at the same time is restricted to the boundaries of the original film and its characters and events. 18/100

I read two disturbing things on the Halloween IMDB page

Before reinventing the legendary Halloween, Rob Zombie made the wise choice to inform John Carpenter about it. In response, Carpenter encouraged Zombie to "make it [his] own".

I guess this is what happens when you give Rob Zombie artistic license.

In the work print of the film, an alternate escape scene was used. In it Michael begins his escape from the institution by killing 2 young orderlies while they are molesting a catatonic female inmate.

REALLY?!  They’re both disgusting acts but how is forcibly raping a struggling woman better than molesting one that’s barely cognizant?!  Why did anybody have to get raped or molested?  Are you serious fucking telling me you couldn’t have Michael Myers escape without a sex crime?!

P.S.  I meant to mention this but I couldn’t find a way to wedge it in anywhere.  The first time I saw “House of 1,000 Corpses” I thought it was a little too influenced by “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.  This movie ends exactly like “Texas Chainsaw” with a victorious heroine covered in blood screaming.