Breaking
Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
“I felt like – like I don’t know what. Like this wasn’t real. Like was in some Goth version of a bad
sitcom.”
Jacob page 185
More like really bad soap opera but that is my favorite line
out of the book. I think that proves
that Stephenie Meyer knew what she was writing was trite.
There are
certainties in life. For instance if you
lay one hand flat on a table and in the other hand you pick up a hammer, raise
it over your head, and bring it down as hard as you can on your hand chances
are it’s gonna hurt a lot and your hand is going to be broken. So you don’t need me telling you Stephenie
Meyer sucks. It’s as obvious as your
shattered hand. I’m also not the first
person to say this. She’s been
negatively criticized since she started writing.
As much as I
hated “Eclipse” I hated “Breaking Dawn” even more. Stephenie Meyer follows the same damn formula
for this book as she did in the last book.
In “Eclipse” an army assembles to destroy Bella and the Cullens and the
conflict is revealed and quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last
act of the book. In “Breaking Dawn” the
Volturi assemble an army to destroy Bella and her family and the conflict is
quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act.
This book also
features Meyer’s trademark wasting entire chapters on nonevents that have
absolutely nothing to do with the plot.
In one chapter out of the blue Jacob has a fit and runs off to forcibly
imprint (imprinting is the werewolf act of finding your spiritual soul mate in
this series) himself on some unlucky person.
And she wastes another two chapters on Bella’s transformation and first
hunt. I read the hardcover which is 754
pages. The book was long enough without
Meyer adding 56 pages of bullshit. At
least the wedding was a lot more toned down than in “Breaking Dawn Part 1”.
“Breaking Dawn” begins with our protagonist
Bella, monologuing to herself about how embarrassed she is about driving an
expensive luxury car that’s so new it hasn’t been released for sale in the US
yet. Can you imagine how terrible a
world it would be if we all had these problems? Moving forward to Bella and Edward’s wedding,
Bella meets some new vampire relatives and Jacob shows up. Jacob freaks out and almost turns into The
Incredible Wolf when Bella implies she’s going to have sex on her honeymoon as
a human. There are just so many things
wrong with this. Jacob’s concerned that
Edward’s superhuman strength might harm or kill Bella when they consummate
their marriage, but what does he care?!
He realizes that now that she’s married Edward he’s going to turn her
into a vampire anyway and when he does she’s going to be dead to him. Not to mention was he really naïve enough to
believe that a newlywed couple wasn’t going to have sex on their
honeymoon? Also regardless of what it
does to her it’s still her decision! To
get the mechanics of sex out of the way if she was on top than nobody gets
hurt! Not that this has anything to do
with it but Edward’s skin is rock hard and cold as ice, now I’m not a woman but
I can’t imagine sticking a popsicle up my vagina would be very comfortable or
arousing.
Off to the
honeymoon where they have sex. I’d
elaborate but after all the buildup leading up to this moment the sex scenes
are rather tame. I knew it was too much
to expect but I was hoping for something more explicit. I mean these are young adult novels
right? I remember when I was reading
Christopher Pike. Those books were
filled with nudity and sex. Anyway as it
turns out vampire sex is a little rough.
Edward notices the various bruises across Bella’s body the next day and
apologizes and despite her objections refuses to make love to her again. I know he’s a vampire but I’m not entirely
convinced Edward is a man. She has no
problem with it and it’s not like you purposely threw her down the stairs so
what’s the problem? Let her heal up and
then go in for round two. Not long after
their tryst Bella discovers she pregnant.
Apparently vampire semen is very motile.
After this discovery they fly back home to find out what to do next.
“Breaking Dawn”
is divided into 3 parts, the first part features Bella’s narration, the second
Jacob’s, and the third Bella again. This
is where Jacob’s story begins and I was really looking forward to it because
I’ve always hated Bella’s stupid insecure melodramatic point of view but Jacob’s isn’t much better. Instead Jacob’s is macho, melodramatic,
cynical, and overly sarcastic. Turns out
Stephenie Meyer has no idea how to write men either but just from the titles
of some of these chapters I think you can understand what I mean,
“Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m an
Idiot”,
“You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being
Rude to Vampires”,
“What Do I Look Like?
The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take
Mine. Take Everything I Have”.
Even though the
Jacob part was just as bad it did have some of my favorite parts of
the book. Soon after they get back home
Jacob is summoned by the leader of his pack.
During the meeting they find out Bella and Edward have returned and that
Bella’s sick. Jacob fears the worst and
having nothing left to lose decides to leave town and live out the rest of his
days in wolf form, but before he leaves he decides to confront Edward.
This next part I
just found hilarious. I know I shouldn’t
but if this scenario had appeared in any other book I’d find it less funny and
more tragic. When he gets to the Cullens
Jacob is greeted by Edward. Bella
overhears the two chatting on the front porch and invites him in where he finds
out that she is indeed sick but also pregnant.
Edward and Jacob go outside to discuss what to do next. The two discuss the how rapidly the pregnancy
is progressing and how it’s killing her.
Edward explains that Bella isn’t interested in aborting the fetus and
the following conversation unfolds:
Jacob: “Just back up a
second. She won’t let you. Did you ever notice that she’s exactly as
strong as a normal 110 pound human girl?
Hold her down and knock her out with drugs.”
Edward: I wanted to,
Carlisle would have but her bodyguard complicated things.
You heard it right.
This cheesy teenage romance between a human girl and a vampire just had
not one or two but three characters conspiring to drug and remove a girl’s
unborn baby against her own wishes and the only thing preventing them from
doing this is not their own conscious but the fact that another vampire won’t
let them. Not getting into my own
personal politics (because that’s not what this blog is about) I understand Bella’s
reasoning. While this is a silly love
story I think this part is valid and requires some intense thought and
debate. It’s not about pro-life or
pro-choice but a woman’s right to choose either way.
Putting that
aside, in another bizarre moment Edward asks Jacob to convince Bella to get rid
of the baby and suggests that if what she really wants is a baby that Jacob can
have one with her. So in other words he
pimps out his wife to her ex-boyfriend in order to terminate his baby that’s
killing her. This should be an episode
of the Jerry Springer show. Obviously
this stupid and frankly insulting plan doesn’t work on Bella who insists on
keeping her baby.
After Bella and
Jacob bond a little he rushes off and turns into a wolf. The wolves can hear each other’s thoughts so
the second he changes everybody knows what’s going on. I don’t understand why but the wolves who see
themselves as protectors of humans overact to the news of a vampire human
hybrid and plan immediately to attack and kill Bella and the Cullens. While I can kind of see why they’d perceive
the baby/monster as a threat it hasn’t been born yet and hasn’t harmed anyone
aside from Bella. Their reaction makes
no damn sense. They don’t know what it
is. They don’t know what it will
do. They don’t know what it’s capable of,
if anything. And it’s being born into a
family of self-righteous vampires that are strong enough physically and morally
to control it. This doesn’t matter much
to the pack leader who uses his magical powers to force everyone to submit and
do his bidding, but Jacob breaks the spell and runs off and is joined by Seth
and his sister Leah.
I’d say this is
the most boring part of the book but let’s see what we’ve read so far. Bella and Edward get married, they
go on their honeymoon, Bella gets pregnant, they go back home, they debate over
what to do about it, and Jacob breaks away from his pack. We’re now a little over 200 pages in the book
and almost nothing interesting has happened.
Even I must admit that the idea of a vampire/human hybrid pregnant is
somewhat interesting. I’ve read a lot of
books and I’ve never read anything like that before. Besides we got way more boring irrelevant shit
to go.
This is the
middle of Jacob’s part of the book.
Mostly it deals with werewolf and Bella drama. The most interesting thing going on
here is explaining the wolves view on nudity which hasn’t been addressed until
now. Then we get to another kind of
stupid thing. For some reason it’s never
occurred to anyone that the vampire child Bella is carrying in her belly might
require blood. As simple as it sounds
this confused me. Well it’s a vampire
baby so of course it would need blood but I didn’t understand whether the accelerated
growth of the baby was what was taking its toll on Bella’s body or that it was
draining her blood to replenish itself. If
that was true vampire doctor would have noticed the blood loss and given her a
transfusion and that would have solved the problem. Either way she ends up drinking it rather
than taking a transfusion.
As I mentioned earlier there’s a chapter where Jacob freaks
out and runs around looking for a mate to imprint upon.
We’ve finally reached it but I can’t imagine
why it was included here.
It serves
absolutely no purpose.
There’s no
conflict and no revelations made during this chapter and reading it just pissed
me off. Soon after Jacob's return Bella goes into labor. After the baby is born Bella drifts off and dies. In a rage Jacob seeks out the baby to kill it but ends up imprinting on her instead and this is were Jacob's part ends.
Beginning Bella's second part is two wasted chapters. The first one describes the pain she feels as she's turning into a vampire. The second is all about her first hunt and how she overcomes the temptation to drink human blood.
After those chapters are done wasting space Bella finally gets to meet her inappropriately named daughter, Renesme, but not before Jacob has something to say about it. I don't know why Jacob felt it was his place to keep Bella from her daughter. Everybody seems afraid she's going to smell her human blood and lose control but didn't she just feed on a mountain lion? The group backs off when they realize that Bella is probably not going to attack her newborn. She has a tender moment with her baby and we find out Renesme(god I hate typing that stupid name) has an extra sense to share her memories, thoughts, and emotions through touch.
Bella ponders why Jacob has stuck around after she's turned into a vampire and then it finally dawns on her that Jacob has imprinted on her daughter. She goes nuts and starts screeching at him and pushing him around flinging claims and accusations around. Jacob begs, pleads, apologizes, and rationalizes but all his posturing falls on deaf ears. This argument hits a climax when Jacob accidentally calls her daughter Nessie. Bella assumes the nickname has something to do with the Loch Ness Monster and flips out and tries to attack but instead injures Seth.
If there's a plot to be found in Breaking Dawn this is where it hits a brick wall. No significant events happen for the next few chapters so here's a short summary; As a wedding gift from her in-laws Bella is given a cabin close to their house, we find out that vampires really really like to have sex, the Cullens don't know how to explain Bella's disappearance or her new physical appearance so they debate about leaving town, Jacob feels he's about to lose Renesme so he turns into wolf in front of Bella's dad and invites him over without the Cullens knowledge, for whatever reason Bella's dad accepts all this, and everybody is concerned about Renesme's rapid growing.
The "plot" decides to kick back in when Renesme is a small child(her development apparently is also sped up because rather than having the intellect of an infant she can read, speak, and walk). I forgot to mention this earlier but during Bella and Edward's wedding a conflict begins with her extended vampire family and the wolves. Irina, a member of the Alaskan vampire coven, notices the wolves at the wedding and blames them for killing her lover Laurent, a vampire that was trying to kill Bella in "New Moon". As it turns out it's forbidden by the Volturi to create vampire children. I don't know exactly what Irina has been doing all this time but at this point she is now watching the Cullens from afar when she spots Bella, Jacob, and Renesme. When she's spotted she runs off before anyone can catch her.
Back at the house Edward's sister Alice uses her future predicting power to see Irina telling the Volturi about Renesme and the Volturi gathering an army to destroy them all. Soon after her vision Alice disappears with no explanation leaving the others wondering what they will do about the vampire army coming for them. She leaves Bella a personal message in a Shakespeare book that only has a name in it and no further explanation. Alice's vanishing is so cryptic and convoluted. It makes sense at the end of the book but why she's so secretive about it still makes no freakin sense. The name on title page of "The Merchant of Venice" is for a worst case plan b scenario but Alice assumes that Bella can find this person in time to help.
The name on that piece of paper is a crooked lawyer who provides the Cullens false passports and papers. She uses him to get passports for both Jacob and Renesme so they can run away when the Volturi kills everyone. While this happens the Cullens start gathering allies to combat the Volturi if the need arises. As it turns out a lot of them have special powers like being able shock someone with a touch or manipulate perception or the elements. During all this we find Bella has a hidden power to project vampire power proof shields over herself and anybody near her.
There's really not much else to say. This is the most anticlimatic book in the series and might just be one of the most anticlimatic books I've ever read. The Cullens gather witnesses to plead a case to the Volturi and if they don't listen fight them. I expected an epic battle to occur but nothing at all happened. There is a lot of talking and debating between both gathered parties. Irina confesses that she may have been hasty and incorrect when she accused the Cullens and is ripped apart and burned by the Volturi for it. Towards the end of this little conflict Alice returns with proof that Renesme is no threat to the vampires. Rather than fighting the Volturi just accept this and leave. The book ends with Bella using her super powers so Edward can finally hear her thoughts.
GOD THESE BOOKS SUCK! After reading 3 out of the 4 I can't imagine why they have such a devoted following. "Breaking Dawn" is bloated, slow, and just plain boring. It's clustered with padding and nonevents that have no bearing on the plot, story, or character development. I am grateful that this is the last "Twilight" book I'm going to read. I have no plans on reading or reviewing the first "Twilight" book. If I get bored I might review the movie but I really don't think the first movie is that bad. 20/100 Might as well pick up "The Hunger Games" or "Ender's Game" instead of these books or better yet you could just save yourself some time and watch the movies. The Twilight movies are just as bad but it's more fun to watch a train wreck rather than read about it.
"glower"
Bella & Jacob 15, 41, 187, 333, 470, 506,
This is Stephenie Meyer's favorite word. It's obvious she doesn't have a thesaurus or doesn't care to use one. Six times in one book might not seem like much but it is such an unusual word that I took notice every time it was used. Its used numerous times throughout the last two novels as well but I didn't have a mind to count them all. She uses the word glower even more often than Stephen King uses the word apt.
GLOWER
1.
to look or stare with sullen dislike, discontent, or anger
noun
2.
a look of sullen dislike, discontent, or anger
and here are some synonyms she could have used instead:
look, glare, stare, watch, scowl, and my personal favorite
look daggers.
"Lingerie. Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags."
Bella page 81
Further proof Stephenie Meyer doesn't have a thesaurus. Just looking at that sentence is painful.
"I wasn't this happy when you decided you loved me more than you wanted to kill me."
Bella to Edward page 94
Loving someone means never having to say I want to kill you. If you say this to your partner on your honeymoon you married the wrong person.
"We weren't monsters--in that sense, anyway"
Jacob page 245
This is the second time Stephenie Meyer tried to refer to monsters as not being monsters.
"How about, 'Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.'"
Jacob to Bella page 298
This is a good question passed off as sarcastic joke. Aside from maybe grieving over a dead loved one I can't think of an emotion more painful than unrequited love, rejection, and having to see that person with someone else. Jacob feels all these things but then we get...
"I'm not going to pretend to understand why Bella is unable to let go you, but I do know she does not behave this way to hurt you."
Edward to Jacob page 338
I'll never understand why some women string ex-boyfriends along and go to such great lengths to keep them in their lives. Stephenie Meyer on the other hand only seemed to keep the ex along to create tension and occasionally have someone to help save the day. Maybe its just because I'm a guy but I feel sorry for Jacob.
"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?!"
Bella to Jacob page 451
I just thought this line was funny. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be but there are a few things I found wrong with it. Jacob calls Renesme Nessie by accident and Bella assumes the nickname has something to do with the famous Scottish hoax. Nessie to me sounds close enough to Renesme not to be a nickname. Besides if it were my name I'd take Nessie over Renesme monster jokes be damned.
