The Creep's Nightmares Vol. 1

Taking inspiration from another blogger (you can find his blog here: Singular Points) I’ve decided to compile my favorite short horror stories into a hypothetical anthology.  It should be no secret by now that there’s nothing I love more than a great short horror story.  Last year around this time I published a selection of my favorite short horror anthologies so likewise it should be no surprise that I have a ton of these books(go here:My Anthologies).  It’s always been a dream of mine to edit my own anthology so without further stalling here is

The Creep’s Nightmares Vol. I

1. Custard Cream by Robert Shearman

(Early this year I bought a book that was suggested to me by Barnes & Noble on a whim from an author I had never heard of.  This time it paid off but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sorely disappointed.  I bought the trade paperback but it is also available in ebook form and that edition contains a few stories not featured in the trade.  The following story can be found in “Remember Why You Fear Me” by Shearman himself.  “Custard Cream” effectively draws the reader in by use of second person perspective making you the subject of the story.  Having watched and read horror all my life it’s not easy to scare me.  With that said I was already terrified of spiders and this story doesn’t ease my mind one bit.)

2. Foet by F. Paul Wilson

(Pronounced feet as in fetus, you can only imagine what this story is about.  Wilson claims the story originated from an encounter with a female friend wearing a fur coat.  Wilson, offended by her poor taste argued she “would wear human skin if it were in vogue”.  You can find this one in Stephen Jones’ “Mammoth Book of New Terror” and Thomas Monteleone’s “Borderlands 2”.)

3. The Late Shift by Dennis Etchison

(This story shouldn’t be missing from any anthology.  In fact I have it collected in two volumes and can’t remember which I read it from first.  You can find it in Kirby McCauley’s “Dark Forces” as well as Stephen Jones’ “Mammoth Book of Terror”.  Without giving away too much about the story it involves some very unconventional zombies and is hands down one of my favorite short stories.)

4. Obsequy by David J. Schow

(Following one unorthodox zombie story with another, Obsequy poses the question, what if our dead loved ones rose?  Not what if our dead loved ones rose mindless, violent, eating machines, but just what if they remained what they were in life.  Although I read it in “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 18” it feels like more of a drama than horror to me.  That could be an all new niche all to itself, the zombie drama.)

5. Time Was by David Morrell

(Short horror fiction often explores different themes.  While some are more graphic and brutal others are more cerebral.  I can’t help but think of “The Twilight Zone” whenever I read one of these stories.  This one reminds me of a season 3 episode called “Person or Persons Unknown”.  In the episode a man wakes up next to his wife but when she wakes up she claims she’s never seen him before.  And so it goes with everyone he knows.  A similar set of circumstances happens in “Time Was”.  A man on his way home from the office experiences some strange weather patterns out in the desert.  He then ends up at an old wild west saloon.  He buys a case of sarsaparilla and then drinks one.  The next thing he knows he’s waking up in the sand.  He goes back to his wife and she claims he’s a stranger as does everyone else he knows including bosses and coworkers.  This story can be found in “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 17” edited by Stephen Jones.

6. The Silence of Falling Stars by Mike O’Driscoll

(Like the previous story this one is cerebral and explores themes of isolation, loneliness, and sensory deprivation.  The Death Valley setting only adds to the atmosphere.  This story can be found in “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 15”)

7. The Rubber Room by Robert Bloch

(Following two psychological horror stories is another one by the father of the genre.  This story takes an in depth first person view inside the mind of a homicidal maniac.  Why he did what he did and the rationale that led up to it.  You can find this one in Ramsey Campbell’s “New Terrors II”)

8. Churches of Desire by Philip Nutman

(I’m just going to put all the psychological horror together in the middle of this anthology.  Why bother breaking the trend once I’ve started it.  While so far this anthology is filled with what you might call strange tales this one certainly is the sleaziest.  The story revolves around a struggling, desperate, broke, alcoholic horror writer when he travels to Rome in order to get an interview that may get him some recognition.  He spends a bulk of the story in dingy porn theaters and thinking to himself.  This story can be found in Thomas Monteleone’s “Borderlands II”)

9. Ladies In Waiting by Hugh B. Cave

(This creepy little ghost story signified a comeback for Hugh B. Cave.  After reading an article in a women’s magazine by a Hugh Cave, Karl Edward Wagner contacted the magazine asking if that was the same Hugh B. Cave of Weird Tales.  When the response came back he corresponded with Cave and then released an anthology of his earlier works through his own independent press.  When nostalgia for weird tales came back in the 70’s Cave began writing horror again.  This story was first published in the “Whispers” fanzine and later in the first “Whispers” anthology.)

10. Ever the Faith Endures by Manly Wade Wellman

(It seems only appropriate that I put these two veterans of the weirds back to back.  Most of what I’ve read of Wellman is his John the Balladeer stories, but I came across this one that I totally forgot I read in “The Best Horror from Fantasy Tales”.  The story begs the question what happens to a god when people stop worshipping it.)

11.  Pig’s Dinner by Graham Masterton

(“After a brief detour we’re back to the visceral.  “Pig’s Dinner” is about two pig farming brothers.  One mistakenly dismembers the other when he turns on a feed grinder.  The mutilated brother insists that’s he’s dead already so he may as well turn the feed grinder back on and finish the job.  Rather than ruin the rest of the story I think I’ll just tell you to look for it in Stephen Jones’ “Mammoth Book of Terror”.)

12. Dead to the World by Allen Ashley

(To some there is nothing more horrifying than the mysteries our own bodies possess.  These types of stories are among my favorites.  This one involves a man whose orifices are slowly closing up day by day.  You can find this one in “The Best Horror from Fantasy Tales”)

13. The Forbidden by Clive Barker

(No horror anthology is complete without a story from Clive Barker.  If you’ve ever seen the movie “Candyman” then you should be very familiar with this story as it is the basis for that movie.  If you haven’t seen the movie quickly read this story then see the movie and let me know which you thought was better.  You can find this one in Barker’s own “In the Flesh” or in “The Best Horror from Fantasy Tales”)

14. Where There’s a Will by Richard Matheson and Richard Christian Matheson

(A father and son who are both accomplished authors came together to write this one.  Unfortunately I can’t describe much about it without giving away the twist.  All I can really say is it involves a man digging out of a grave.  This is the second to last story in Kirby McCauley’s “Dark Forces”.)

15. Sticks by Karl Edward Wagner

(There’s a reason this one has made it into so many different anthologies.  It is Karl Edward Wagner at his absolute best and I’ve saved the absolute best for the absolute last.  All I can say is it’s moody, atmospheric, and tends to stay with you long after you’ve read it.  The only reason it’s so far down on this list is because I think it’s a story you need to ease yourself into not read right off the bat.  You can find it in “Whispers”, “The Mammoth Book of Zombies”, and Wagner’s own Centipede Press edition of “Where the Summer Ends”.)

Evil Dead - 2013

 It’s been several months since I posted anything and I had intended to review something epic for my comeback but I haven’t finished reading the book or watching movie so that review will have to wait

Evil Dead - 2013

The most terrifying film you will ever experience.

(That is of course if you haven't already seen the original)

     I’m not one of those people who is fundamentally opposed to remakes.  I have seen some that I thought were good (“Dawn of the Dead” and “The Hills Have Eyes”) but most often I’m sorely disappointed (“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Friday the 13^th”).  As is the case with Rob Zombie’s “Halloween” (and its sequel) there are some remakes that have no right or reason to exist and are just poorly conceived either to cash in on a title’s name or as homage to the original film.  The “Evil Dead” remake is one of these films but it’s difficult to figure which of these categories it fits into.  There was a great deal of effort put into it with its in-jokes, homages, and set design, but at the same time it has very little in common with the original film and none of the same characters.

     I went into this with no expectations and knowing very little about it.  In a word the “Evil Dead” remake is TERRIBLE.  To elaborate if you were to take all the fun and unpolished charm of the original film this is what you’d be left with.  Even if you were to take the Evil Dead title away, for a horror movie it’s just really bland and very poorly paced.  For the first 30 minutes I was just waiting for something, anything, to happen.  The characters aren’t interesting and how they interact with one another isn’t enough to hold my attention.

     The movie revolves around a brother, sister, and their friends as they go to a secluded cabin in the woods in order for David’s sister, Mia, to detox from her drug addiction.  In order to investigate a bad smell that “smells like death” they go into the root cellar.  While down there a member of the group finds a book.  Despite the books warnings written in the margins he starts reciting words found in the book until he succeeds in summoning something.  During this part I thought to myself well there’s not much to do in this cabin that doesn’t even look like it has a tv so it makes sense that he might read a book he found in the basement, but it makes no sense at all why he’d it read it to himself out loud!

     From here on the movie is pretty cut and dry, someone gets possessed and the surviving people have to defend themselves or isolate the possessed person.  I’d be more invested in these characters and care what happens to them if any of them bothered to have a personality or logic or common sense.

     Here’s a statement I never thought I’d be making; “Evil Dead” is dull, moves at a snail’s pace, has no atmosphere, and no character development.  The only thing it’s got going for it is that it has great effects but as George Lucas and Michael Bay have demonstrated in the past good effects don’t make good movies.  It completely lacks any of the charm or wit from the original film. 34/100

Twilight Saga: Eclipse - 2010

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse - 2010

Out of all the Twilight movies this one has to be my favorite.  It’s not what I’d call a good movie but at least it’s better constructed than the other ones.  Eclipse begins with a horror atmosphere as some unlucky unnamed character gets attacked by an invisible assailant on an abandoned dock after dark while it’s raining buckets.  Yeah the dark and stormy night backdrop is overplayed and cliché but you’ll never hear me complain that someone has added a little Kool-Aid to Twilight’s sugary water.  In a transition reminiscent of those in the book the scene goes from dark and stormy to bright sunny and flowery as Bella and Edward are lying in a grassy field talking (or arguing?) about getting married and we’re reminded exactly what kind of movie we’re watching.  Unlike the other Twilight movies, and to an extent the books, this movie has something at least vaguely resembling a plot which makes it a lot more watchable despite the fact that it still contains some of the worst actors, characters, and dialogue in cinema history.

Like I said this movie actually has a plot but even that gets interrupted for the romance and conflict between Bella, Edward, and Jacob.  It also makes room for the backstories of characters I’m sure not even the fans cared about.  I always thought it was odd that they included these backstories even though they aren’t relevant to the plot or even the characters narrating them and only slow things down but they were in the book so I guess they thought they needed to be in the movie.  Well at least we get a better idea of who the werewolves are and why and how they change… NO WAIT WE DON’T!  The only explanation the viewer is given is that they’re native americans and native americans are a very magical and spiritual people.  This flimsy excuse bothers me but I suppose it’d bother me even more if I was native American. 

I’m not sure if I’m the first person to pick up on this but “Eclipse” is loaded with sexual tension and undertones.  I may have been the last person on earth to find out Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon and her values made their way into her books.  Jacob forces himself on Bella all throughout the movie and when that fails resorts to emotional psychological tactics.  He even says she doesn’t know what she wants (apparently he does) and she’s in love with him she just doesn’t know it yet (which is something he proves to her in the book… by forcing himself on her).  Bella forces herself upon an unwilling Edward all but saying if you really loved me you’d put out and against the instincts of every straight man alive or undead refuses her.  Meanwhile Edward refuses to change Bella into a vampire or have sex with her until they get married.  My personal favorite scene is where Bella’s father Charlie tries to have “the talk” with her.

The movie climaxes with an all-out war between the vampires and werewolves.  The effects are kinda bad and you’re constantly reminded that the wolves are nothing more than pixelated cartoons and the vampires tend to break apart easier than the cheapest plastic action figure.

The love triangle is overplayed.  The characters are dull at the best of times and deplorable at the worst.   The performances aren’t much better.   Since the movie tends to reveal more about the plot it takes away the mystery of who’s causing the attacks and raising the vampire army.  Even in the face of all its flaws “Eclipse” isn’t as much of a disaster as the other installments in the series.  68/100 almost passable as a movie but not quite.  Good try though.

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

Interesting fact: A vampire bat will consume up to 30% of its body weight in blood making it too heavy to fly off the ground.  Because their diet consists entirely of fluids a vampire bat needs to urinate shortly after feeding to reduce its bloat enough to fly.  Kinda makes vampire prose a lot less romantic huh.  Also I wonder if the Twilight werewolves mark on trees like real wolves.

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

Vampire mythos are a tricky thing, they differ from author to author, movie to movie, and culture to culture.  Just to get one thing out of the way not all vampires turn into dust when light hits them.  Stephenie Meyer’s unique decision that not only do they not turn to dust but they sparkle is a good example of this.  I think just about everyone knows that by now, what not everyone knows about is apparently vampirism is a beauty enhancer… I am not making that up.  If I didn’t know any better this is what would tip me off that a woman wrote this.  I’d hate to play the gender card here but only a woman would be this hung up on such a trivial superficial quality, a very shallow woman who probably has body or appearance issues.  Stephenie Meyer wastes an entire chapter explaining this through exposition by one of the most self-obsessed characters I’ve ever read in any book.  From a biological standpoint I just can’t understand what advantage a vampire or any predator would have for looking pretty.  After all aren’t peacocks and brightly colored fish easy targets.  I can understand being able to foretell the future or reading minds or being super-fast or strong. 

The superpowers remain inconsistent as well.  Not every vampire has them but some of the ones who do don’t work on the main character Bella.  The book tries to explain this by saying that only psychic powers work on Bella but that doesn’t make much sense either.  Either all vampire powers work on her or none do.  Regardless they don’t explain why the non-psychic powers work on her.  I know I’m putting way too much thought into something that was devoted to a certain group of people whose minds aren’t finished developing but since Stephenie Meyer didn’t think about these considerations someone ought to.

For a 629 page book the plot is really thin, so thin it’s hard to describe.  At the end of the last book Edward, a vampire, and Bella, his human girlfriend, reunite after a brief hiatus leaving her new suitor Jacob, a werewolf, in the lurch.  This is where it gets a little tricky.  I don’t know if I should call the main plot a side plot or the side plot a main plot.  Either way Edward and Bella pick up where they left off as if nothing ever happen.  Meanwhile Bella tries to renew her fractured friendship with Jacob who is trying to resolve the conflict of his feelings for her and his hatred for her boyfriend both as competition and a natural enemy.  In the midst of this corpses are piling up in Seattle which leads the vampires to the conclusion that someone is amassing a vampire army.  The book climaxes with Jacob and the werewolves and Edward and the vampires fighting this army and finding out why it was assembled and who’s behind it.

The reason I have such a hard time differentiating between plot and subplot is a love triangle that only gets more complicated as the story wears on is hardly what you’d call a plot(more like a plot device) but so little time and effort is devoted to the vampire army and how that plot is resolved.  To me the vampire war is more interesting but that’s over in two chapters and most of that happens outside the scope of the main character and narrator.  The main plot is so simple it can be summarized thusly:

Bella: I love you Edward!

Eddie: I love you Bella!

Bella: I love him!

Jacob: I hate him and I hate you for loving him!  I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!

Bella: Sorry…

Jacob: I forgive you.  Please forgive me.  I still love you too. Pick me PICK ME PICK ME!

Bella: I love you too Jake but I love him more.

Jacob: Don’t we have a bunch of vampires to kill?

Bella & Edward: Who cares if innocent people are dying and vampires are running wild we have to finish our selfish teenage soap opera melodrama!

It goes on and on like that chapter after chapter until your eyes bleed.  Aside from the nonexistent plot Eclipse also has some of the most awkward transitions I’ve ever seen.  The book is dull, I mean really boring, so I phase out from time to time.  I’ll be reading and suddenly wonder why the setting and characters have changed.  Unfortunately I didn’t have my highlighter on me during these times but a lot of times it’ll be like this: Bella and Edward are at his house making out.  Oh no I’ve got to get home and make my dad dinner(on top of being a martyr she’s also unbelievably subservient for a teenage girl).  The next sentence she’s at her house cooking dinner with no explanation about how she got there.  It always feels like there was a sentence or two that are missing.  It’s very disorienting and often caused me to read the same page 2 or 3 times to makes sure I didn’t miss anything.

As hard as it is to believe (and harder to say) all things considered I enjoyed reading “New Moon” but this book sucks and it’s boring.  Nothing happens as the backstories for several characters are exposited sometimes for entire chapters.  Eclipse is a terrible book that mostly feels like the author didn’t want to put that much effort into the characters or plot.  You’d think it would take a lot of effort to write such a thick book but mostly it rehashes things from the previous two books.  It’s not the worst book I’ve ever read and Stephenie Meyer certainly isn’t the worst writer either but she sure is the laziest.  At best this book can be considered nothing more than a wedge between the book that preceded it and the final book in the series. Even if you’re a “Twilight” fan this book can easily be skipped.  25/100

Just like the last book “Eclipse” has some of the dumbest most contrary quotes I’ve ever read.  I don’t have time or space to put them all down but here are just a few:

“I’ve never been much of a masochist.”

Bella Swan Page 601

(yeah unless you count the numerous times you blame yourself and apologize for things that are far beyond control or weren’t really your fault to begin with.  This is why the Bella Swan character cannot exist outside fiction.  I have never met a woman so willing to accept blame.  She’s the perfect example of battered woman syndrome.  I’ve also never met a woman willing to realize that she was leading me on and later apologize for it.  In some ways Bella Swan is the perfect woman but in most ways she’s also the perfect doormat and one of the most incredibly flawed characters in all of fiction.  When I read that line once again I could barely believe my eyes.  I also realize the irony and hypocrisy of accusing Bella of being a masochist when I’ve read 2 Twilight book so far.)

“Well, there was the first night.  The night you stayed.”

“Yes, that’s one of mine, too.  Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part.”

Edward and Bella comparing their favorite times together. Page 511

(Umm… creepy.  I have no doubt a date rapist has said this to/of a victim at some point.  Is this romantic to Stephenie Meyer?)

“I could quite literally kill him for saying that to you.  I want to.”
 Edward to Bella Page 192

(so… hmmm.  I think what you meant to say was I could literally literally kill him.  It doesn’t get more literal than quite literal and you don’t get much deader than literally dead, except for maybe quite literally dead.  Oh fucking hell!)

“The linked deaths include a nearly even 18 women and 21 men.”
 News clipping Page 279-280

(Maybe I’m nit picking here but something about the structure of that sentence pisses me off.  Even more that it’s supposed to be a news article.  This forces me to ask myself a question, is it harder to believe that this article would have gotten past the editor of a daily newspaper or that it got past the editor of a best-selling book series?  Can anything be nearly even?  That’s like saying the number 4 is nearly a prime number.)

Jacob laughed. “She hit me.”

“Why did she hit you?”

“Because I kissed her,” Jacob said, unashamed.

“Good for you kid,” Charlie congratulated him.

Charlie and Jacob Page 316

(Charlie’s bizarre reaction after finding out his best friend’s son sexually assaulted his daughter.  And if you think that’s bad Stephenie Meyer makes it even worse 46 pages later…)

“No matter what side I’m on, if someone kisses you without your permission, you should be able to make your feelings clear without hurting yourself.  You didn’t keep your thumb inside your fist did you?”

“Jacob’s head is really hard”

Charlie laughed.  “Hit him in the gut next time.”

“Next time?”

“Aw, don’t be too hard on the kid.  He’s young.”

“He’s obnoxious”

“He’s still your friend.”

Bella and Charlie Page 362-363

(I’m confused here.  In the same breath Charlie both condemns and excuses Jacob’s actions.  I can’t imagine what he’d say if he raped her rather than kissed her.)

“Charlie”

Bella Pages Numerous

(I just never understood Bella’s need to call her parents by their first names.  I still call my relatives mom, aunt, uncle, and grandma.  Out of respect I would never call these people anything else.  But it’s not just her it’s every character.  Both Edward and Jacob call their dads by their first names like they’re old buds.  I can’t be the only one who thinks this is bizarre.)