The Creep's Nightmares Vol. 1

Taking inspiration from another blogger (you can find his blog here: Singular Points) I’ve decided to compile my favorite short horror stories into a hypothetical anthology.  It should be no secret by now that there’s nothing I love more than a great short horror story.  Last year around this time I published a selection of my favorite short horror anthologies so likewise it should be no surprise that I have a ton of these books(go here:My Anthologies).  It’s always been a dream of mine to edit my own anthology so without further stalling here is

The Creep’s Nightmares Vol. I

1. Custard Cream by Robert Shearman

(Early this year I bought a book that was suggested to me by Barnes & Noble on a whim from an author I had never heard of.  This time it paid off but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sorely disappointed.  I bought the trade paperback but it is also available in ebook form and that edition contains a few stories not featured in the trade.  The following story can be found in “Remember Why You Fear Me” by Shearman himself.  “Custard Cream” effectively draws the reader in by use of second person perspective making you the subject of the story.  Having watched and read horror all my life it’s not easy to scare me.  With that said I was already terrified of spiders and this story doesn’t ease my mind one bit.)

2. Foet by F. Paul Wilson

(Pronounced feet as in fetus, you can only imagine what this story is about.  Wilson claims the story originated from an encounter with a female friend wearing a fur coat.  Wilson, offended by her poor taste argued she “would wear human skin if it were in vogue”.  You can find this one in Stephen Jones’ “Mammoth Book of New Terror” and Thomas Monteleone’s “Borderlands 2”.)

3. The Late Shift by Dennis Etchison

(This story shouldn’t be missing from any anthology.  In fact I have it collected in two volumes and can’t remember which I read it from first.  You can find it in Kirby McCauley’s “Dark Forces” as well as Stephen Jones’ “Mammoth Book of Terror”.  Without giving away too much about the story it involves some very unconventional zombies and is hands down one of my favorite short stories.)

4. Obsequy by David J. Schow

(Following one unorthodox zombie story with another, Obsequy poses the question, what if our dead loved ones rose?  Not what if our dead loved ones rose mindless, violent, eating machines, but just what if they remained what they were in life.  Although I read it in “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 18” it feels like more of a drama than horror to me.  That could be an all new niche all to itself, the zombie drama.)

5. Time Was by David Morrell

(Short horror fiction often explores different themes.  While some are more graphic and brutal others are more cerebral.  I can’t help but think of “The Twilight Zone” whenever I read one of these stories.  This one reminds me of a season 3 episode called “Person or Persons Unknown”.  In the episode a man wakes up next to his wife but when she wakes up she claims she’s never seen him before.  And so it goes with everyone he knows.  A similar set of circumstances happens in “Time Was”.  A man on his way home from the office experiences some strange weather patterns out in the desert.  He then ends up at an old wild west saloon.  He buys a case of sarsaparilla and then drinks one.  The next thing he knows he’s waking up in the sand.  He goes back to his wife and she claims he’s a stranger as does everyone else he knows including bosses and coworkers.  This story can be found in “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 17” edited by Stephen Jones.

6. The Silence of Falling Stars by Mike O’Driscoll

(Like the previous story this one is cerebral and explores themes of isolation, loneliness, and sensory deprivation.  The Death Valley setting only adds to the atmosphere.  This story can be found in “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror 15”)

7. The Rubber Room by Robert Bloch

(Following two psychological horror stories is another one by the father of the genre.  This story takes an in depth first person view inside the mind of a homicidal maniac.  Why he did what he did and the rationale that led up to it.  You can find this one in Ramsey Campbell’s “New Terrors II”)

8. Churches of Desire by Philip Nutman

(I’m just going to put all the psychological horror together in the middle of this anthology.  Why bother breaking the trend once I’ve started it.  While so far this anthology is filled with what you might call strange tales this one certainly is the sleaziest.  The story revolves around a struggling, desperate, broke, alcoholic horror writer when he travels to Rome in order to get an interview that may get him some recognition.  He spends a bulk of the story in dingy porn theaters and thinking to himself.  This story can be found in Thomas Monteleone’s “Borderlands II”)

9. Ladies In Waiting by Hugh B. Cave

(This creepy little ghost story signified a comeback for Hugh B. Cave.  After reading an article in a women’s magazine by a Hugh Cave, Karl Edward Wagner contacted the magazine asking if that was the same Hugh B. Cave of Weird Tales.  When the response came back he corresponded with Cave and then released an anthology of his earlier works through his own independent press.  When nostalgia for weird tales came back in the 70’s Cave began writing horror again.  This story was first published in the “Whispers” fanzine and later in the first “Whispers” anthology.)

10. Ever the Faith Endures by Manly Wade Wellman

(It seems only appropriate that I put these two veterans of the weirds back to back.  Most of what I’ve read of Wellman is his John the Balladeer stories, but I came across this one that I totally forgot I read in “The Best Horror from Fantasy Tales”.  The story begs the question what happens to a god when people stop worshipping it.)

11.  Pig’s Dinner by Graham Masterton

(“After a brief detour we’re back to the visceral.  “Pig’s Dinner” is about two pig farming brothers.  One mistakenly dismembers the other when he turns on a feed grinder.  The mutilated brother insists that’s he’s dead already so he may as well turn the feed grinder back on and finish the job.  Rather than ruin the rest of the story I think I’ll just tell you to look for it in Stephen Jones’ “Mammoth Book of Terror”.)

12. Dead to the World by Allen Ashley

(To some there is nothing more horrifying than the mysteries our own bodies possess.  These types of stories are among my favorites.  This one involves a man whose orifices are slowly closing up day by day.  You can find this one in “The Best Horror from Fantasy Tales”)

13. The Forbidden by Clive Barker

(No horror anthology is complete without a story from Clive Barker.  If you’ve ever seen the movie “Candyman” then you should be very familiar with this story as it is the basis for that movie.  If you haven’t seen the movie quickly read this story then see the movie and let me know which you thought was better.  You can find this one in Barker’s own “In the Flesh” or in “The Best Horror from Fantasy Tales”)

14. Where There’s a Will by Richard Matheson and Richard Christian Matheson

(A father and son who are both accomplished authors came together to write this one.  Unfortunately I can’t describe much about it without giving away the twist.  All I can really say is it involves a man digging out of a grave.  This is the second to last story in Kirby McCauley’s “Dark Forces”.)

15. Sticks by Karl Edward Wagner

(There’s a reason this one has made it into so many different anthologies.  It is Karl Edward Wagner at his absolute best and I’ve saved the absolute best for the absolute last.  All I can say is it’s moody, atmospheric, and tends to stay with you long after you’ve read it.  The only reason it’s so far down on this list is because I think it’s a story you need to ease yourself into not read right off the bat.  You can find it in “Whispers”, “The Mammoth Book of Zombies”, and Wagner’s own Centipede Press edition of “Where the Summer Ends”.)

Best & Worst of 2012

Before you read this I’d like to point out some anachronisms.  First, yes I realize it’s a little late for a best and worst of 2012 list.  For better or worse this list was composed at a more appropriate time but I just haven’t been able to post it because I’ve been far too busy.  Since this is a blog I could have cheated and posted the date for this entry as 1-1-13 but that feels dishonest to me.  You may also notice while a lot of material on these lists were released in 2012 some of these items have been around for a great long time.  Since this has been the first year of my blog I decided to list all the things I’ve been exposed to this year rather than just the short list of new things I had experienced.  So in no particular order here is

THE BEST MUSIC, MOVIES, BOOKS, AND COMMERCIALS OF 2012

Savage Season by Joe R. Lansdale

If anything can be said about 2012 it was the year of Lansdale.  For me at least.  I read 6 different Joe R. Lansdale books last year and they ranged from great to bad.  “Savage Season” being the best.  This book introduces the characters of Hap Collins and Leonard Pine.  Hap being a straight white middle aged former hippie and Leonard being a gay black Vietnam veteran.  An unlikely pair the reader can only imagine how these two became best friends in the first place.  Not to delve too far into the plot of the book, but the characters (particularly Hap and Leonard) and how they interact with each other is far more engaging than what brought them together.

Who Fears the Devil? By Manly Wade Wellman

I’ve read a Wellman story here and there in my anthology collections but I never put serious thought into reading any more than the casual story.  I have found since then that was a big mistake.  Who Fears the Devil is a collection of short stories featuring Wellman’s popular Silver John character.  In the introduction Mike Resnick suggests you read the stories little by little rather than all at once to make it last and get a better understanding of Silver John and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.  I’ve found I enjoy these stories so much I don’t want the book to end.  The stories involve a traveling minstrel by the name of John.  Why he’s wandering around and how he got his silver strung guitar is not nearly as important as you’d think as you just get lost in the stories.  

Where the Summer Ends by Karl Edward Wagner

Friends and family are probably getting tired of me mentioning this author and how much I adore him and how proud I am that I was able to snag two volumes of his collected short stories this year.  I can’t say I blame them but I just feel like I should get the word out so more people can enjoy this unique author.  Last year Centipede Press released two gorgeous volumes of Wagner’s short stories collecting almost everything the man ever wrote.  “Where the Summer Ends” is without doubt the better of the two but that’s not to say that “A Walk on the Wild Side” is bad but it just can’t compete against the weight of this one.  I’ve found even if I don’t like a particular story I’m drawn in by the vivid characters.  In this volume I didn’t much care for or understand the story “More Brute Than Human” but if it was anything that kept me reading this longer story it was the interesting characters.  I think if you can say anything to describe Wagner’s work it’s that right there.  His characters feel organic and you care what happens to them especially if they meet an unfortunate end.  I was hoping that if I had any regular readers on this blog they would read my Wagner entry in time to pick up a copy of at least one of these books while they still had time.  If you’re reading this now you missed your chance.  By now both books have sold out and your only chance of picking up a copy is buying one from an unscrupulous internet seller who will no doubt jack up the price to an unreasonable degree.

Baroness – Blue and Red

There is a specific reason I don’t review music here more often.  The long and short of it is it’s too hard and I don’t really give a crap.  Music reviews are specialized niche filled with buzz words and what I like to call horseshit industry terms both used to confuse the reader and make the review(er) sound fancier or smarter than it is.  There’s another reason I rarely review music on here and that’s because I don’t normally consider something good enough to write about unless I like the entire album.  For example Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures is a great album from start to finish, same goes for Slayer’s Reign In Blood, Depeche Mode’s Violator, Alice in Chains self-titled album, Cocteau Twins Garlands, Days of the New Green, Front 242’s Official Version, Godflesh’s Streetcleaner, and Pantera’s Cowboys From Hell.  I’m just about the biggest Tool fan you can find but their bad habit of padding albums with interludes and uneven songwriting keeps them from making a truly great album.  I could say the same about Satyricon.  They’re a great band that’s released a lot of fine albums over the years but every now and then you’ll get an intro or ambient track.  As far as I’m concerned the one thing that holds an album back from being truly great is the occasional interlude.  Baroness’ “Blue Record” and “Red Album” suffer these same defects.  The music is great and these are the two best albums I’ve heard in hard rock/heavy metal in years.  Unfortunately there’s an intro on “Blue” along with a few instrumental interludes on both which prohibit me from listening to the album as a whole.

Intronaut – Valley of Smoke

Most people agree that a concept album explores certain ideas, moods, or themes often expressed through the lyrics.  A great example of this is Pink Floyd’s The Wall.  During the length of the album its theme explored the lifecycle from birth to death.  Lyrically I’m not sure exactly what concept “Valley of Smoke” has but from a musical standpoint one song blends seamlessly to the next.  Not that any one song sounds the same but played from start to finish it feels like one long song keeping a consistent mood throughout the album.  I’m sure most reviewers would describe Intronaut as Avant Guard but it’s such a broad generalized title that can apply to just about anything that I’m remiss to label anything by it.  I suppose you could also call it experimental but I find that entirely incorrect.  To deem them experimental would be like saying they’re experimenting with a certain sound but Inronaut know what they’re doing and they’ve found their sound it’s just simply different from everything else.  While it’s hard to describe exactly what genre Intronaut falls into I can say for sure if you’re not a fan of hard rock or heavy metal you probably won’t like them.

Paradise Lost – Tragic Idol

It’s difficult to describe doom metal to someone who’s not in the know.  I could play them some Candlemass or Solitude Aeturnus or My Dying Bride or Anathema but I doubt they could differentiate these bands from any other sub-genre of heavy metal.  What makes things harder is a lot of these bands reach an apex and branch out so far they don’t even remotely resemble the musical style they became known for.  Paradise Lost fits perfectly in this mold.  So for the longest time I just completely lost interest in their newer releases.  For whatever reason my curiosity got the better of me one day and I looked them up on Amazon.  I figured what the hell and gave their newest release a preview.  Needless to say I was impressed enough to buy the album and I’m glad I did.  It’s been a long time since Paradise Lost released “Gothic” and “Tragic Idol” is a return to that album.  There are songs I like more than others but on the whole this is a great album and even with the weaker songs I can listen to it from start to finish easily.  I think it also serves as a great introduction to people unfamiliar with their music.

Sears Appliance Commercial

I’m sure the few people who read my blog regularly wonder what’s wrong with me.  How come you don’t like commercials?  Are there any commercials you do like?  Well for the most part no.  Most years I don’t even like the super bowl ads and I especially don’t like the people who watch the super bowl just for the ads.  For the last 20 years television advertising has ran rampant.  The sheer volume of commercials takes up a third of programming every hour.  It just doesn’t seem fair to me.  I tune in to watch tv shows not commercials.  Ten minutes every hour seems reasonable to me, eighteen on the other hand is excessive and out of control.  However once in a blue moon there’s a commercial that comes along that’s so good I can’t wait to see it again.  Sears must have foreseen the influx of romantic comedies and cheesy holiday movies that come out every Christmas season.  Seizing that opportunity they made a commercial parodying some of the worst clichés of those movies.  The commercial was so affective the first few times I saw it I didn’t realize it wasn’t a trailer for a new movie.

Fallout 3

This game has been out for a long time and I remember people raving about it but I just never got the chance to play it.  When I finally did it reminded me of how much fun I had playing “The Elderscrolls III: Marrowind”.  My ass was glued to my chair, I rarely slept, and I ignored most of my bodily functions and cursed them when they took me away from the game for just a minute.  I only had a few small problems with the game.  With this game they created a vast world but instead of exploring the surface you spend most of your time wandering around in buildings, caves, and underground bomb shelters.  Without a game add on there’s a really short level cap that I wish I had been aware of at the time.  If you’re like me and want to complete every little side mission you’ll be disappointed to find out you’ll hit your peak level before you’ve finished half of the game and once you’ve picked certain perks and stats you can’t go back and change them.  Lastly the game’s main quest is very short and if you’re more driven to do that you’ll find yourself beating the game in 2 or 3 hours.

Deadspace

I had actually seen the full length animated feature before I got a chance to play this game.  I’m not as hardcore a gamer as I used to be and since game prices have reached an insane apex I haven’t been playing or buying them as often.  I usually purchase games online and at gamestop by the time everyone and their mother has beaten them and used copies are only 20 or so bucks.  I really don’t feel the need to play games when they’re new and 20-30 dollars is my cutoff limit for games.  Anyway I became an instant fan of this game once I finally did buy it.  The gameplay is similar to the early Resident Evil survival horror games.  Since those games have degenerated into action/combat games I’m glad that something came along to fill the gap.  There are a few problems with the game(like a part where you’re supposed to blast away asteroids but you’re not given a wide margin for error) but on the whole it’s pretty good.

Hyperion by Dan Simmons

As I’m branching out in what I read I notice I’ve read more and more sci fi this year and this is the best sci fi book I’ve ever read.  It’s just one of those books that I was so taken with I didn’t notice how fast I was reading it and then all of a sudden I’m ¾ into it.  I was going to do a review for “Hyperion” but I couldn’t think of an adequate way to express just how much I enjoyed this book.  However it is not without fault.  Hyperion is Dan Simmons love letter to John Keats but since I don’t bother with poetry and I didn’t know who Keats was this element of the book left me behind.  Also there was at least one character I didn’t at all care for.  Each time he had a line a dialogue   and I found myself dreading his story.  There was also a story here or there I didn’t really like.  Otherwise it was a highly enjoyable book.

Skyfall

I can’t say I’m a James Bond fan in the same way I can’t say I’m a Star Wars fan.  Yes I have seen all the movies but I don’t own any and I can’t say I’m ever sitting around bored to tears and the mood strikes me to watch some Bond.  I also can’t say I have a favorite Bond film.  In fact I think this is the only Bond movie I’ve ever seen in the theaters.  I wasn’t as taken with Daniel Craig as everyone else seemed to be.  I thought “Casino Royale” was just okay and I flat out hated “Quantum of Solace” so I didn’t hold out that much faith that this one was going to be much better.  Anybody who has been paying attention knows a Bond era will begin with a good or great movie and then slowly (or in some cases quickly) slip into mediocrity until they hire the next Bond.  The one exception might be “Her Majesty’s Secret Service” which may have been so poorly received they just replaced that Bond after only one movie.  As skeptical as I was going in I was pleasantly surprised by “Skyfall” and I can say without doubt this is my favorite Bond movie.  I think it has a lot to do with stripping everything down and making everything more simple.  Instead of a bunch of gadgets this time around all Bond has is a gun and a mission.  The plot unlike most Bond flicks is easy enough for child to understand.  At its very heart it’s a revenge movie with an original and charismatic villain.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs and IV by Chuck Klosterman

Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs takes things as trivial as pop culture and puts them under a microscope and dissects them.  It might not sound that interesting but it forced me to reexamine things I hadn’t thought about in years and some things I had no prior interest in.  There’s a chapter devoted to MTV’s Real World that reminded me why I enjoyed the show when I was a kid and eventually why I stopped watching it.  There’s another chapter on basketball and how it relates to race and politics.  I don’t know anything nor do I care about basket but I read it regardless because I enjoyed the prose.  It reminds me of watching those parts in Tarantino or Kevin Smith movies where the characters are just standing around talking about their favorite movies and posing hypothetical questions about them.  In other words it takes things we take for granted and puts a new and unusual spin on them.  We watch these movies, tv shows, listen to this music, and wear these fashions, but we rarely put serious thought into them.  The chapters are short and have little in common making it the perfect bathroom or light reading book.

“IV” is similar to Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, but instead of reexamining pop culture most of the book is devoted to various interviews of celebrities Klosterman has interviewed over the years for magazines and newspapers.  During the course of these interviews he tells his opinions of these people and their work making some interesting stories. 

The reason I haven’t added these books to my best of list is because I haven’t finished them.  Most of the time I pick them up here and there when I don’t want to get too involved and spend an entire night with a book.  I highly recommend “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs” but “IV” isn’t for everybody.

Prometheus

I was dazzled by this movie and it was my favorite theater experience this year (aside from my post “Dark Knight” massacre viewing where everyone warned me against going to the theater and then nothing happened) but I had a hard time expressing how I felt about it.  Yeah it has problems but those problems weren’t big enough to keep me from enjoying the movie.

The Wizard

I don’t know if I’d consider The Wizard a good or bad movie what I can is it was fun taking a trip down memory lane by watching this relic again.  It is a bad movie and unlike so many bad movies it is not a timeless bad movie (like say Troll 2 or Plan 9 From Outer Space).  I feel like a person watching it would have to have lived around the time it was released to appreciate it.  I’m sure the games, arcades, and the unrestrained product placement featured in this movie would seem archaic to younger viewers born in the early to late nineties.

THE WORST MUSIC, MOVIES, BOOKS, TV SHOWS, AND COMMERCIALS OF 2012

Katie

Correct me if I’m wrong here but aren’t talk show hosts supposed to have personality?  I don’t know whose idea it was to give Katie Couric her own talk show but they need to be fired and that goes double if it was Katie herself.  I haven’t seen a talk show host this fake and insincere since Tyra Banks, although Wendy Williams was pretty annoying as well.  Unfortunately both Wendy Williams and Tyra’s show lasted for several seasons so that doesn’t hold out much hope that this one will be quickly dropped.  On the few occasions I’ve seen this show she asks irrelevant and inappropriate questions, panders to her widely female audience, retreads previous questions or comments sometimes mere minutes after she last asked them(ie on the Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez episode she mentions her(Lo’s) divorce numerous times and focused on J.Lo undressing in front of Statham in the movie they were promoting several times).  I think the difference from her old job to her new job is she used to interview important people asking relevant questions that the audience needed to hear, she now interviews her guests asking questions her shallow audience wants to hear in order to illicit a response from them.  One is honest the other is a fucking sideshow.  Given that I really don’t see any difference from Katie Couric and Jerry Springer, Geraldo Rivara, Maury Povich, or Morton Downey Jr.

Stupid Geico Pig and that damn bestiality commercial

Geico’s decision to use that stupid pig as an alternate mascot is nearly as confusing as Team Mobile’s decision to keep using that cute girl in the slinky dress after they reformatted their ads and she no longer talks or is in that dress.  Well that to me is more confusing but the pig is still baffling.  But for whatever reason Geico started using a pig from a previous commercial that everyone who watches commercials unanimously agreed was annoying from the very beginning.  It’s kinda like dipping your frostbitten toes in a bucket of ice cold water.  But they took an annoying approach to something deeply creepy and disgusting when they made a commercial where an anthropomorphic pig goes on a date… with a human woman.

But I guess it’s okay since the girl is pressuring the pig for sex and not the other way around.

Why would a pig that’s too short to reach the pedals and has no thumbs to grab the steering wheel need car insurance in the first place?  Not to mention anyone can see this thing is clearly a pig so why the hell would the flight attendant make such a blatantly hateful remark that almost no one uses anymore?  It probably has something to do with the marketing department at Geico being out of ideas.  They might as well say it’s so easy a stupid little pig can use it.

Fuck it I’m declaring a war on Geico.  I’ve never seen product placement inside a commercial.  That’s a new one for me.  Plus more bestiality.(I couldn't find the video on youtube but please enjoy this equally stupid and obvious commercial)

The Script – Hall of Fame

There are certain themes that I avoid throughout every medium.  I really don’t appreciate anything with a positive message and especially hate anything with too positive a message.  I don’t find it reasonable or even logical telling someone they can be anything or do anything they set their mind to and I find it even more damaging telling that to a child.  I don’t believe that true love conquers all (because it doesn’t... not to mention that there’s no such thing as true love) or in hookers with hearts of gold (because there aren’t any) and of course the rags to riches story(it’s true that it happens but it’s also very rare).  The saccharine sweet sentiment in this song is enough to give you diabetes.  The video is one of the most annoying I’ve seen since Papa Roach’s Last Resort and Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful and they’re exactly the same.  They feature a cast of characters that all suffer and somehow overcome their adversity.  It’s appropriate for the song but its just way too excessive.  The lyrics are pretty fuckin stupid too.  They consist of “You could be this” “You could be that” line after line until it gets to the chorus.

The Fall of Hyperion by Dan Simmons

“Hyperion” wasn’t just the best sci fi book I read last year but the best book period.  It successfully blended different genres like romance, horror, tragedy, mystery, and eroticism.  The only problem I had with the book was John Keats had a big influence on it.  It was easy to dismiss because large parts of the book didn’t feature Keats or his work and the parts that did was still thrilling and interesting.  The book has six pilgrims tell the stories of how they found themselves on Hyperion on their way to the time tombs.  By the book’s end they’ve reached their destination but it ends on cliffhanger.  We don’t know what’s going to happen to the pilgrims or if they’re going to get what they want.  I was hoping Fall of Hyperion was going to tie up these loose ends but instead John Keats took a bigger role than any of the pilgrims and eventually became the tragic hero of the book.  I don’t particularly like poetry and I don’t know or care to know anything about John Keats.  At times it was like reading about a subject I had no knowledge of and no interest in.  Better yet it was like someone who didn’t give a damn about Keats reading Keats fan fiction.  In other words there were parts where I was totally lost and disinterested.  Still it wasn’t a terrible book and I don’t regret reading it.  Every now and then when the focus of the book goes back to the pilgrims it’s really good and the loose ends tie up nicely.  Fall of Hyperion is the 2^nd book in a 4 book series and this book ends the pilgrims’ story.  Hopefully the other two books will leave out the Keats plotlines.

Baroness – Yellow and Green

Earlier this year I was introduced to heavy metal band Baroness.  The last time I discovered a band and was this pleasantly surprised was when I heard Mastodon’s Hunter last year and since then Baroness has overtaken Mastodon as the top played band on my itunes.  I was so sure I would love their latest album that I went to best buy to get a copy.  Pretty much all I can say about this double album is the artwork is really good.  There is nothing worse than having high expectations for something and having those hopes crushed by a product that just isn’t up to par.  I can’t hate it because it doesn’t suck but it’s just not very good either.  To add insult to injury the total runtime of all 18 tracks on both discs of this “double” album is 75 minutes meaning if you had the inclination you could fit both albums on a single CDR.  The music itself is just boring and doesn’t match up with previous two albums.  It almost sounds like a totally different band or at best a compilation of b sides.  One thing can be said for it though, even at their worst Baroness is still better than most of the music out there and I’m hoping their next effort is a little more passionate.

Pitbull – Don’t Stop the Party

Lately I’ve been watching MTV and VH1 in the mornings when ya know they actually play freakin music videos.  I’m starting to realize that I’ve become that snobby old man that listens to nothing but the music of his youth and complains about how everything nowadays sucks.  Unfortunately this stereotype tends to turn out true when ya know everything does suck.  I had heard the name Pitbull thrown around here and there but I’d never actually heard any of music and after seeing the video for Pittbull’s “Don’t Stop the Party” I miss my naivety.  Originally I started watching these channels to have something to listen to while I read late at night or early in the morning but it defeated the purpose when I heard something that sounded awful and I just muted the damn tv and read in silence.  When I heard the chorus for the first time I closed my book and started watching the video in awe.  I knew the music industry was in trouble but I never realized it was this bad.  This shallow song is just about the most tone deaf thing I’ve ever heard.  Actually I thought it was a joke at first because this is just the kind of generic crap you seeing in TV shows and movies when they’re trying to emulate current trends in rap and hip hop.  The video is no better.  Every time since the first time I watched it I’ve muted the TV and its typical of every single hip hop and rap video since the beginning of music videos.  Lots of women in bathing suits, Pitbull dancing and uhhh singing I guess, and extras having a pseudo good time and partying.  If this song had taught me anything it’s that for every tone deaf or inept musician there’s an audience big enough to make sure they continue to make mediocre music.  ICP and Kid Rock should have taught me that lesson by now but oh well.

Nicki Minaj – Freedom

Copy and paste everything I just said about Pitbull.  This song may even be worse.  What’s worse is both are untalented novelty acts but Nicki tries to feign sincerity after so many vain and self-indulgent songs.   The sentiment falls on deaf ears.  Human beings are complex creatures.  We can give with one hand and beg with the other.  I’m not saying it can’t be done but you also can’t talk about being rich, doing drugs, being slutty, and being smarter/cooler/more talented/better than everyone else and then start talking about Jesus and the problems of the world.  It’s like trying to take a preaching clown in a bikini seriously.

Empire State by Adam Christopher

I was planning on writing a review about this book but it was so bland I had a difficult time describing my feelings for better or worse.  It was like trying to describe what the color gray tastes like.  The book wasn’t good(and certainly wasn’t great) but it wasn’t completely terrible either.  In other words it wasn’t “Infected” and it was a far cry from “Mission Earth”. I had no positive or negative feelings towards it and that made it hard to write a review.  Besides I can’t say I was too disappointed because I picked the book up on a whim.  I had never heard of the author and I likewise had no previous impression of the book other than the synopsis on the back cover.  The plot didn’t make sense and was overly complicated, there were too many characters and subplots, and I just felt on the whole the book was longer than it needed to be.  It eventually went nowhere and took a long time to get there.

Infected by Scott Sigler

I’ve learned a lot in 2012 but I think one of the most important lessons is any asshole with a blog can publish book(except for this asshole… so far).  Infected and 50 Shades of Gray are both great examples of that.  I think we should leave the writing up to writers and the blogging up to bloggers.  Aside from that I have nothing new to say about it other than if I were you I’d avoid this book like the plague.  To read my full review go here: Infected review

The Drive-in 3 The Bus Tour

The first drive-in novel was great and while the second book wasn’t nearly as great it was still at least good.  The third and final book was terrible.  To summarize for the uninitiated “The Drive-In” involves a group of friends going to a drive-in and getting trapped there by powers beyond their control.  The drive-in in then turns into the setting of chaos and power struggles and the breeding ground for mutants.  The second book “The Drive-In: Not Just Another of Them Sequels” takes the surviors of the first novel out of the drive-in and into a new and bizarre world.  In the middle of the book they rescue another survivor and help her recover her sister from a kidnapper.  The third book attempts to explain this new world and how these characters fit in it.  It’s about as successful at tying the events of this trilogy up as the Matrix Revolutions and it’s equally as disappointing.  It’s a shame because I admire Joe R. Lansdale and I enjoyed the other two installments.  I’d hate to give too much away but I enjoyed the book right up until the end where it really jumped the rails.  Needless to say as poor as the explanation was for the drive-in and how it came to be I was better off not knowing,  Regardless I don’t regret reading the book and I can’t say that about some books.

Salem’s Lot – 2004

I was going to write a review for this but once again I didn’t feel passionately enough about the material to write anything about it.  Well I guess that’s not entirely true.  I hated this miniseries and it pissed me off but I just couldn’t think of anything constructive enough to write about.  The book was great and what’s mystifying is this miniseries doesn’t stray far from it but the small differences are confusing.  The biggest difference is the characters and their relationship to one another.  To give you a good idea the issues I had with this adaptation; after reading the book it was a lot like watching the same events unfold only with strangers.  This adaptation also suffers from the same Bush era politics that dated and ruined a lot of the media at the time.  Don’t get me wrong I hated the Bush years but because of them they changed the main character from a fiction novelist to a whistle blowing political journalist.  I wouldn’t say it’s a really bad movie but like I said it keeps true to the book so if it you’ve read it the miniseries is just going to piss you off.  Rob Lowe delivery is just plain weird.  His voice is monotonous as a he spews out lines at the frequency of a meth head while he’s tweaking. 

Mission Earth The Invaders Plan by L. Ron Hubbard

This is the worst book I have ever read… nuff said

Amish Mafia

This is the only thing on this list I haven’t exposed myself to.  As of this date I still haven’t seen this show but when I saw the commercials for it I just couldn’t believe what I was watching.  I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in Indiana where there’s a huge population of amish.  I don’t frequently interact with them but from afar they seem like a polite and inoffensive people.  That’s why I find it hard to believe there’s such a thing as an amish mafia.  The very idea sounds fucking ridiculous.  Not to mention most people don’t know the first thing about the amish.  It seems to me a better show would document the real members of the amish community and expose us to a realistic view of their beliefs and culture not some violent Hollywood facsimile.  What’s worse is this is on the discovery channel.  I can remember when they used to have nothing but nature and science shows and not horseshit reality shows.

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer

I read a lot of different books this year, most of them good, some of them just okay, and some of them really really bad.  The good far outweighed the bad but when I read something bad it stayed with me for a long time.  Kinda like a fart in an elevator.  And I think that’s a perfect metaphor for “Eclipse”.  All the stinkers I read suffered from bad writing, juvenile dialogue, and uninteresting or poorly constructed characters or plot.  “Eclipse” suffers from all those things but to top it off it’s also incredibly boring.  The story unfolds slowly to build the romance and sexual tension between a vampire and nubile human female.  I think we all know the story by now but a bulk of the book is devoted entirely to that and since it’s the third in the series we no longer need to establish that.  The book is so needlessly bloated I felt like I was reading the same chapter over and over and had to take a month long break from it just 166 pages from its 629 pages.

Deathstalker

This is a really bad sword and sorcery movie from the 80’s.  When I saw it I was bothered by the misogyny in it.  The movie takes rape lightly as almost every female character gets raped.  The movie begins with a woman running from a man whose captured her and probably intends to rape her, he doesn’t get the chance as a group of what look like cavemen attack him(probably intent on doing worse things to her), and finally the “hero” of this epic comes along and kills them all then proceeds to rape her for his trouble.  Putting the misogyny aside, the movie has no plot, a generic evil sorcerer, an overused score, terrible dialogue, and bad structuring.  Obviously no one put much thought into this movie.  It’s like they said, “Hey!  Conan is popular let’s try to replicated that!”  Then when time came to write a script they said fuck it and got a buff guy, covered his hairless body in grease, and added all the TnA they could then fed them lines as they were filming.  I was going to write a review of it but without all the misogyny I realized I wasn’t passionate enough about the movie to write an honest review of it.