Favorite Christmas Movies

Happy Holidays Everyone

     I've always wondered what exactly makes a movie a Christmas movie.  If you ask my mother its those terrible stop motion flicks that became popular during the 60's.  Maybe you're a bit different and enjoy classics like "Miracle on 34th Street" or "Its a Wonderful Life"  The one thing I could never understand was why "The Sound of Music" was considered an appropriate Christmas movie.  Sure it has nuns in it but it also has Nazis and nothing says Christmas quite like a family of singing Austrians fleeing from Nazis.

     I on the other hand prefer more unconventional holiday movies.  A lot of Christmas movies seem to force home a message and are sentiment heavy, as I child I didn't appreciate that and as an adult I appreciate all that sugar coating even less.  In other words I tend to enjoy movies where the holiday and all its lessons about charity and good will are secondary or missing entirely.  Movies that just seem to take place on Christmas.  So in no particular order here are my favorite Christmas movies.

Die Hard(1988)

     This should be known as the mother of all Christmas movies for guys who don't like traditional Christmas movies.  Nothing about cheer, good will, gift giving, carolers, Jesus, and above all peace.  Lots of people die in this and oh yes there will be blood.

      It seems superfluous to describe the plot of this movie because everyone and their mother have seen it.  The reason I like it is that while an action movie it deviates from every action movie released during the 80's.   John McClane is a normal run of the mill cop from New York armed only with his handgun and a couple of clips of ammo.  He has no special training and is thrust into this impossible situation.  Unlike most action leads of the time he's vulnerable, outnumbered, and out of his element.  He gets wounded and shows signs of fatigue and distress.  He even has a sense of humor and personality rather than being a mindless killing machine.

Bad Santa(2003)

     You should know what you're getting into with this movie just by reading the title.  Billy Bob Thorton plays a cynical, foul mouthed, grumpy, alcoholic, womanizing, safe cracking mall santa who knocks over malls on the busiest shopping day of the year.  Thorton is forced to stay with an introverted bullied child who believes he is the real Santa Claus.

     This strange and pathetic child starts to have an effect on Willie (Thorton) and he learns the true meaning of Christmas... more or less.  He's still the same person by the end of the movie but has learned a lesson all the same.  One of my favorite moments of the movie is where Willie dressed in full Santa garb is shot in the back by a group of policemen while horrified children watch.  You don't get that with just any Christmas movie.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation(1989)

     Everybody has their favorite Vacation movie, this has always been mine.  It seems to me that every movie in this series featured Clark Griswold reaching a breaking point and losing his mind.  You start to feel sorry for the guy when he's put so much planning into creating the perfect vacation experience for his family and somehow something always goes catastrophically wrong.

     This entry is a departure from the other films.  The setting of "Christmas Vacation" takes place largely within the Griswold home instead of having them travel somewhere.  The house becomes full when every member of both sides of the family decide to hold Christmas at the Griswold home.  If you've ever hosted a family gathering of any kind at any time you're well aware of how stressful this can be.  You have to put on a game face and act nice around family members you clearly despise.  You may also be put out by trying to accommodate every person's individual needs.

     On top of the stresses caused by his family Clark is also counting on a Christmas bonus that he's planning on using to install a swimming pool.  When the bonus gets there and it turns out that he's been enrolled in the "Jelly of the Month Club" he goes on a tirade.  The madness reaches a climax when Cousin Eddie kidnaps his boss and confronted with how the missing bonus has affected Clark and his family decides to double his last year's bonus but not before a SWAT team breaks into the house and holds the entire family at gunpoint.

The Ref(1994)

     Denis Leary is a cat burglar who kidnaps a married couple who turn bickering into an olympic sport.  The Griswold's have nothing on this dysfunctional family.  The parents don't speak to one another unless they are arguing, their son is blackmailing his military school commandant, and the grandmother complains and berates everyone and acts like a stingy loan shark to her children. The whole experience acts as a sort of therapy bringing the family closer together by the end of the movie.  There's got be some kind of metaphoric statement to be made when a thief punches out a drunk santa.  I'm starting to think maybe these movies have a personal vendetta against Saint Nick. 

Go(1999)

     Go is one of the more quirky movies I've put on this list.  Most of theses have themes of Christmas but this one might just as well take place during any other time.  Christmas is mentioned a few times and there's a rave with a Christmas theme but just about everything else involving the holiday is devoid.  The movie is about 4 loosely connected short stories involving a group of grocery store employees.

     Ronna needs to pay her back rent or else she's going to get evicted.  By chance while she's working at the super market two actors approach her asking her about her drug dealing co-worker who's absconded to Las Vegas with his friends.  They're desperate enough to score some ecstasy for a Christmas party that they're willing to pay extra for the drugs.  Ronna goes to her co-workers suppler to get the drugs hoping that the extra money she makes selling the drugs at a higher price will be enough to pay her rent.  She doesn't have enough to buy the drugs but the dealer agrees to watch her friend while she makes the deal and pays off the rest.  She finds out she's been tricked into a drug bust and rushes off to the bathroom to get rid of the evidence. She then has to find out how she's going to pay her rent and replace the lost drugs.
 
     The next segment involves Simon.  It's a pretty standard Las Vegas plot where he gets high, has group sex, burns down a hotel room, accidentally shoots a bouncer, and has to escape.  Its amusing but has little to do with the rest of the movie.  The next story involves the two actors who as part of plea deal are helping two undercover officers bust Ronna.  Through it we get to see a different perspective of what happens to her.  The last segment features Ronna's girl friend Clair in a romance with Simon's drug supplier.

Strange Days(1995)

     This movie takes place on the days leading up to New Year's 1999 rather than Christmas.  You see back in the 90's everybody seem to think the world was coming to an end for some reason.  It was just like year 2012 thing only not nearly as stupid.  But fear of the world ending in 1999 was a real enough threat for a lot of people.  So much so that a lot of movies utilized that fear in their plots.

     A lot of people seem to get hung up on the fact that this is a futuristic sci fi movie released in '95 that had a rather unreasonable view of advancing technology.  I'm not sure it was the filmakers intent but I think of it more like speculative science fiction.  If you're unfamiliar with that term a good example of it is Alan Moore's "Watchmen" or Philip K. Dick's "The Man In the High Castle".  One of the devices used in the plot is called a S.Q.U.I.D., it records and plays back the audio and video through the first person perspective of its wearer.  The device was intended to be used as a wire for the police but is now illegal.  Because of this a black market has developed dealing these tapes.  The story revolves around a playback dealer who stumbles upon a murder plot involving a slain musician.  It may be a little far fetched but the story is unique and creative and the performances are solid.  "Strange Days" is reminiscent of a "Videodrome" of the 90's.

Reindeer Games(2000)

     I can understand the hate this movie generated at the time and continues to generate to this day, but I'm still going to defend it anyway.  People hate Ben Affleck and people love to hate the guy and for the most part I can understand that too.  It probably has something to do with roles like this.  It seems whenever he's not in a Kevin Smith film he plays a vain, shallow, alpha male type character.  I suppose most people can't identify with that kind of character so they pick the poor guy apart.  "Reindeer Games" in no way deviates from that Ben Affleck archetype, if anything it personifies it.

     The "hero" of our story is Rudy Duncan, a con who is about to be released from prison.  His cellmate, Nick, is also about to be released and talks about nothing but the pen pal he started writing from inside.  During a riot Nick is stabbed and dies.  On the transfer bus Rudy recognizes Nick's pen pal looking expectantly for him.  What motivates Rudy to get off the bus, greet her, and introduce himself as Nick is something I've always wondered.  Either he does so because he loved Nick, he feels sorry for the poor girl who has been waiting years for her pen pal to get out, or his own selfish sexual gratification.

     The two share a brief romance before Ashley's brother, Monster, shows up with his gang.  Of all the things I like about this movie I'd say the cast is the best.  You've got Gary Sinise as Monster, Donal Logue and Danny Trejo as Monster's henchmen, Dennis Farina as a former Vegas casino manager who now manages a struggling indian casino in rural Michigan, and Isaac Hayes as an extra in the prison.  If anything watching these great actors play such fun characters is entertaining enough.  More often than not Gary Sinise plays a good guy so I love to see him play the bad guy.  In my opinion he's always done a better job of that.  At least when he's playing a bad guy he has some personality.  Who knows maybe I just like a good villain.

     Through mistaken identity Monster believes Rudy to be Nick and through his love letters learned that Nick used to work security in an indian casino.  Monster wants Rudy's help to plan a heist on the casino.   Aside from Affleck's deeply flawed character and delivery the other problem I'm sure haters had was this movie has one too many twists.

Twist 1: Rudy's cellmate Nick is killed and he takes his place with his girlfriend Ashley

Twist 2: Ashley's brother interrupts their tryst to enlist Rudy/Nick's help to knock over a casino he believes he once worked at.

Twist 3: Rudy comes clean about who he is and is not believed

Twist 4: Pug, one of Monster's henchman, overhears Rudy arguing with Ashley about how he's not Nick, doubts are raised, Rudy is asked personal questions about Ashley at gunpoint to prove he is Nick.

Twist 5: Rudy escapes captivity from his hotel room (where the freakin stupid henchman leave him unguarded at all times), he overhears Ashley and Monster arguing and finds out the two are not related and are in a relationship with one another.

Twist 6: Rudy decides to escape but can't when henchmen close in on him from both sides.

Twist 7: Monster has lost all his friends during the robbery and only Rudy, himself, and Ashley have survived.  Ashley and Monster reveal how they're going to kill Rudy and frame him for the robbery.

Twist 8: Doubts are raised once again when Ashley accidentally reveals she knows how Nick died even though Rudy claims to Monster he never told her how Nick died, Ashley shoots and kills Monster, we find out that Ashley is really Nick's old girlfriend Millie Bobeck, Nick reveals himself and how he faked his death and orchestrated this whole triple cross.

     Okay so maybe some of these are just plot points and contrivances rather than twists but because of them the plot depends on way too many coincidences and variables.  Rudy has to take Nick's place and in order for Nick and Millie's plan to work all Monster's henchmen have to die in the robbery.  All this also has to depend on Rudy not escaping or getting killed by Monster or his henchman before the robbery.  On top of all that Rudy isn't a very likeable character.  He's actually kind of weaselly.  He lies, tries to tell the truth to save himself, lies to save himself, and lies to further deceive in order to save himself.  He seems to do everything but fellate Monster and his henchmen to survive.

     This is probably one of the most deeply flawed movies you'll ever see me admit to liking on this blog.  I can fully understand why someone would dislike this movie and I'm not willing to defend it or persuade someone who openly hates it.  It's a ridiculous movie and has an overly complicated plot but none of these things bother me enough not to enjoy it.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas(1966)

     "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" isn't exactly a movie as it is a tv special.  They later made it into a feature length live action movie but I think that may have been a mistake.  After all this is a classic that even members of my generation could appreciate.  Even though I've said I detest anything that is overly sentimental or has a moral I love "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" anyway.

     As I mentioned earlier I love a good villain and The Grinch is one of the best.  He's a bitter, lonely, resentful, jealous, hermit who delights in other people's misery.  He literally steals candy from babies in this special.  He reminds me a lot of myself.  We both even have a cute little dog as a sidekick.  I think it's brilliant that they got Boris Karloff who is famous for playing a green monster to voice The Grinch.  The Grinch looks like he's having a little to much fun wrecking Christmas for everyone so it's a little hard to believe he has a change of heart later on but even that doesn't bother me.  The music and the animation are both tops even though the dubbing isn't all that great.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 2012

 

Breaking Dawn Part 2 - 2012

"The epic finale that will live forever"

(Let's hope not)

      Where we left in the last movie Bella had just given birth to a half vampire half human baby and then quickly died.  Jacob imprinted on Bella's baby, Renesme, and ended the tension between the werewolves and the vampires.

     The final "Twilight" movie begins with Bella waking up and experiencing her preternatural powers for the first time. Her and Edward have a tender moment then the two decide its best for her to hunt and feed before she sees her daughter for the first time.  Out in the wilderness we get more demonstrations of Bella's vampire senses before she spots a deer, then a human climbing a mountain.  Her attention is divided to the human when he scrapes his leg and she runs after him.  Edward tries to stop her but she jumps off the cliff and back toward the same deer which is now being pursued by a mountain lion.  For clarity's sake all this takes place in just over 5 minutes rather than the 61 pages it took in the book.

      After the pair are joined by Jacob back at the house.  Jacob wants to make sure Bella is in control enough not to attack her daughter... or ummm his new girlfriend.  When everything is okay the group go inside and we get the first glimpse of Bella's daughter Renesme.

Let's just get this out of the way now.  The CGI baby looks completely fake and weird but when faced with the alternative would you rather have this or...

This?  That has got to be the weirdest freakin thing I've ever seen.  Renesme is supposed to be very emotive and move around a lot.  They could either accomplish his by use of animatronics or  computers.  They ended up using CG instead but can you really blame them.  That THING is going haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

     I'm starting to think a subtitle for this movie could be "Breaking Dawn 2: Tender Moments" because Bella gets to have another tender moment with her child before she realizes that her best friend imprinted on her.  I thought this scene was funny in the book but the movie somehow managed to top it.  Kristen Stewart isn't exactly known for her range and seeing her try to act offended and matronly is amusing.  Okay so Bella flips out and attacks Jacob and well... just take a look yourself

     For a while the movie's pacing grinds to a halt as the only interesting thing that happens is Bella and Renesme being spotted by a member of another vampire clan, Irina, that mistakes Renesme for a vampire child.   Irina rushes off to Italy to warn the vampire police or Volturi what the Cullens have done.  We get a little exposition explaining that vampire children are forbidden and are destroyed along with their creator.  Alice the psychic Cullen sees a vision of the Volturi coming for them then promptly exits for most of the movie.  With this warning the Cullens begin recruiting other vampires to help them convince the Volturi that Renesme is not an immortal child.  Just like in the book each one of these witnesses has a special power.  There's a guy who can manipulate the elements, a woman who's touch electrifies, and a woman who can subvert reality.  It is through these vampires that Bella learns of a secret power to shield herself and others from other vampire powers.

 
      I won't pretend to know much about medieval Romanians but were there a lot of platinum blonde prettyboys wandering around back then?

 
      The movie ends with the Volturi confronting the Cullens.  A fight breaks out and everyone starts attacking one another.  Towards the end of this battle we find out that it's only going on in one character's head.  The fantasy ends and Alice presents the Volturi with another half vampire half human.  They prove that Renesme poses no threat to the Volturi and they leave.

     This is not a bad movie.  This isn't even the worst "Twilight".  It's not good by any stretch of the imagination but what sets it apart from the other movies in the franchise is what makes it a little better.  We no longer have to establish the romance between Bella and Edward or Jacob and Bella, nor are we forced with Bella pleading with Edward to turn her into a vampire and Edward feeling conflicted about it.  But just because it no longer has these things doesn't mean I can excuse it from everything I've already seen.  To be fair if you hadn't seen another "Twilight" movie watching this you might be a little lost.  You also can't forget the title of this movie is "Breaking Dawn Part 2".  This movie is the second half of the last movie.  It reminds me a lot of "Kill Bill".  You have one movie that is captivating, entertaining, and filled with action and one movie that is rather boring and poorly paced but you have to look at it as part of a larger whole.

     The movie is better than the half of the book its based on.  As I've already mentioned what was 60 merciless pages in the book plays out in only 5 minutes(if only it took me that long to read those two crappy chapters).  Even though they kept the J. Jenks subplot its shortened significantly but could have and should have been edited out of the movie because it doesn't affect the plot at all and just like the book is not utilized.  The all out war only takes place in one character's mind but its more than the book gives you.  I'm sure the screenwriter figured the audience needed a climax even it was just a smokescreen.  But even the best "Twilight" movie is still a damned dull vampire movie.  75/100

This idiot can conjure fire and build walls of water but when it comes down to the big fight sequence with the Volturi he breaks open a hole straight to the center of the earth that everyone can and DOES fall into.

Vampire, werewolf, Volturi, good guy, bad guy, doesn't matter they all fall down the big hole.

Breaking Dawn(condensed version)

In case you didn't want to read my whole review of "Breaking Dawn" here is the condensed version:

     As much as I hated “Eclipse” I hated “Breaking Dawn” even more.  Stephenie Meyer follows the same damn formula for this book as she did in the last book.  In “Eclipse” an army assembles to destroy Bella and the Cullens and the conflict is revealed and quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act of the book.  In “Breaking Dawn” the Volturi assemble an army to destroy Bella and her family and the conflict is quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act.

     GOD THESE BOOKS SUCK!  After reading 3 out of the 4 I can't imagine why they have such a devoted following.  "Breaking Dawn" is bloated, slow, and just plain boring.  It's clustered with padding and nonevents that have no bearing on the plot, story, or character development. I am grateful that this is the last "Twilight" book I'm going to read.  I have no plans on reading or reviewing the first "Twilight" book.  If I get bored I might review the movie but I really don't think the first movie is that bad.  20/100 Might as well pick up "The Hunger Games" or "Ender's Game" instead of these books or better yet you could just save yourself some time and watch the movies.  The Twilight movies are just as bad but it's more fun to watch a train wreck rather than read about it. 

Breaking Dawn by Stepheine Meyer is the worst thing to happen to vampires since garlic.

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer

 

“I felt like – like I don’t know what.  Like this wasn’t real.  Like was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom.”

Jacob page 185

More like really bad soap opera but that is my favorite line out of the book.  I think that proves that Stephenie Meyer knew what she was writing was trite.

     There are certainties in life.  For instance if you lay one hand flat on a table and in the other hand you pick up a hammer, raise it over your head, and bring it down as hard as you can on your hand chances are it’s gonna hurt a lot and your hand is going to be broken.  So you don’t need me telling you Stephenie Meyer sucks.  It’s as obvious as your shattered hand.  I’m also not the first person to say this.  She’s been negatively criticized since she started writing.

     As much as I hated “Eclipse” I hated “Breaking Dawn” even more.  Stephenie Meyer follows the same damn formula for this book as she did in the last book.  In “Eclipse” an army assembles to destroy Bella and the Cullens and the conflict is revealed and quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act of the book.  In “Breaking Dawn” the Volturi assemble an army to destroy Bella and her family and the conflict is quickly (and anticlimactically) resolved in the last act.

     This book also features Meyer’s trademark wasting entire chapters on nonevents that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot.  In one chapter out of the blue Jacob has a fit and runs off to forcibly imprint (imprinting is the werewolf act of finding your spiritual soul mate in this series) himself on some unlucky person.  And she wastes another two chapters on Bella’s transformation and first hunt.  I read the hardcover which is 754 pages.  The book was long enough without Meyer adding 56 pages of bullshit.  At least the wedding was a lot more toned down than in “Breaking Dawn Part 1”.

     “Breaking Dawn” begins with our protagonist Bella, monologuing to herself about how embarrassed she is about driving an expensive luxury car that’s so new it hasn’t been released for sale in the US yet.  Can you imagine how terrible a world it would be if we all had these problems?   Moving forward to Bella and Edward’s wedding, Bella meets some new vampire relatives and Jacob shows up.  Jacob freaks out and almost turns into The Incredible Wolf when Bella implies she’s going to have sex on her honeymoon as a human.  There are just so many things wrong with this.  Jacob’s concerned that Edward’s superhuman strength might harm or kill Bella when they consummate their marriage, but what does he care?!  He realizes that now that she’s married Edward he’s going to turn her into a vampire anyway and when he does she’s going to be dead to him.  Not to mention was he really naïve enough to believe that a newlywed couple wasn’t going to have sex on their honeymoon?  Also regardless of what it does to her it’s still her decision!  To get the mechanics of sex out of the way if she was on top than nobody gets hurt!  Not that this has anything to do with it but Edward’s skin is rock hard and cold as ice, now I’m not a woman but I can’t imagine sticking a popsicle up my vagina would be very comfortable or arousing.

     Off to the honeymoon where they have sex.  I’d elaborate but after all the buildup leading up to this moment the sex scenes are rather tame.  I knew it was too much to expect but I was hoping for something more explicit.  I mean these are young adult novels right?  I remember when I was reading Christopher Pike.  Those books were filled with nudity and sex.  Anyway as it turns out vampire sex is a little rough.  Edward notices the various bruises across Bella’s body the next day and apologizes and despite her objections refuses to make love to her again.  I know he’s a vampire but I’m not entirely convinced Edward is a man.  She has no problem with it and it’s not like you purposely threw her down the stairs so what’s the problem?  Let her heal up and then go in for round two.  Not long after their tryst Bella discovers she pregnant.  Apparently vampire semen is very motile.  After this discovery they fly back home to find out what to do next.

     “Breaking Dawn” is divided into 3 parts, the first part features Bella’s narration, the second Jacob’s, and the third Bella again.  This is where Jacob’s story begins and I was really looking forward to it because I’ve always hated Bella’s stupid insecure melodramatic  point of view but Jacob’s isn’t much better.  Instead Jacob’s is macho, melodramatic, cynical, and overly sarcastic.  Turns out Stephenie Meyer has no idea how to write men either but just from the titles of some of these chapters I think you can understand what I mean,

“Why Didn’t I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I’m an Idiot”,

“You Know Things Are Bad When You Feel Guilty For Being Rude to Vampires”,

“What Do I Look Like?  The Wizard of Oz? You Need A Brain? You Need A Heart? Go Ahead. Take Mine. Take Everything I Have”. 

     Even though the Jacob part was just as bad it did have some of my favorite parts of the book.  Soon after they get back home Jacob is summoned by the leader of his pack.  During the meeting they find out Bella and Edward have returned and that Bella’s sick.  Jacob fears the worst and having nothing left to lose decides to leave town and live out the rest of his days in wolf form, but before he leaves he decides to confront Edward.

     This next part I just found hilarious.  I know I shouldn’t but if this scenario had appeared in any other book I’d find it less funny and more tragic.  When he gets to the Cullens Jacob is greeted by Edward.  Bella overhears the two chatting on the front porch and invites him in where he finds out that she is indeed sick but also pregnant.  Edward and Jacob go outside to discuss what to do next.  The two discuss the how rapidly the pregnancy is progressing and how it’s killing her.  Edward explains that Bella isn’t interested in aborting the fetus and the following conversation unfolds:

Jacob: “Just back up a second.  She won’t let you.  Did you ever notice that she’s exactly as strong as a normal 110 pound human girl?  Hold her down and knock her out with drugs.”

Edward: I wanted to, Carlisle would have but her bodyguard complicated things.

You heard it right.  This cheesy teenage romance between a human girl and a vampire just had not one or two but three characters conspiring to drug and remove a girl’s unborn baby against her own wishes and the only thing preventing them from doing this is not their own conscious but the fact that another vampire won’t let them.  Not getting into my own personal politics (because that’s not what this blog is about) I understand Bella’s reasoning.  While this is a silly love story I think this part is valid and requires some intense thought and debate.  It’s not about pro-life or pro-choice but a woman’s right to choose either way.

     Putting that aside, in another bizarre moment Edward asks Jacob to convince Bella to get rid of the baby and suggests that if what she really wants is a baby that Jacob can have one with her.  So in other words he pimps out his wife to her ex-boyfriend in order to terminate his baby that’s killing her.  This should be an episode of the Jerry Springer show.  Obviously this stupid and frankly insulting plan doesn’t work on Bella who insists on keeping her baby.

     After Bella and Jacob bond a little he rushes off and turns into a wolf.  The wolves can hear each other’s thoughts so the second he changes everybody knows what’s going on.  I don’t understand why but the wolves who see themselves as protectors of humans overact to the news of a vampire human hybrid and plan immediately to attack and kill Bella and the Cullens.  While I can kind of see why they’d perceive the baby/monster as a threat it hasn’t been born yet and hasn’t harmed anyone aside from Bella.  Their reaction makes no damn sense.  They don’t know what it is.  They don’t know what it will do.  They don’t know what it’s capable of, if anything.  And it’s being born into a family of self-righteous vampires that are strong enough physically and morally to control it.  This doesn’t matter much to the pack leader who uses his magical powers to force everyone to submit and do his bidding, but Jacob breaks the spell and runs off and is joined by Seth and his sister Leah.

     I’d say this is the most boring part of the book but let’s see what we’ve read so far.  Bella and Edward get married, they go on their honeymoon, Bella gets pregnant, they go back home, they debate over what to do about it, and Jacob breaks away from his pack.  We’re now a little over 200 pages in the book and almost nothing interesting has happened.  Even I must admit that the idea of a vampire/human hybrid pregnant is somewhat interesting.  I’ve read a lot of books and I’ve never read anything like that before.  Besides we got way more boring irrelevant shit to go.

     This is the middle of Jacob’s part of the book.  Mostly it deals with werewolf and Bella drama.  The most interesting thing going on here is explaining the wolves view on nudity which hasn’t been addressed until now.  Then we get to another kind of stupid thing.  For some reason it’s never occurred to anyone that the vampire child Bella is carrying in her belly might require blood.  As simple as it sounds this confused me.  Well it’s a vampire baby so of course it would need blood but I didn’t understand whether the accelerated growth of the baby was what was taking its toll on Bella’s body or that it was draining her blood to replenish itself.  If that was true vampire doctor would have noticed the blood loss and given her a transfusion and that would have solved the problem.  Either way she ends up drinking it rather than taking a transfusion.    

     As I mentioned earlier there’s a chapter where Jacob freaks out and runs around looking for a mate to imprint upon.  We’ve finally reached it but I can’t imagine why it was included here.  It serves absolutely no purpose.  There’s no conflict and no revelations made during this chapter and reading it just pissed me off.  Soon after Jacob's return Bella goes into labor.  After the baby is born Bella drifts off and dies.  In a rage Jacob seeks out the baby to kill it but ends up imprinting on her instead and this is were Jacob's part ends.

     Beginning Bella's second part is two wasted chapters.  The first one describes the pain she feels as she's turning into a vampire.  The second is all about her first hunt and how she overcomes the temptation to drink human blood.

     After those chapters are done wasting space Bella finally gets to meet her inappropriately named daughter, Renesme, but not before Jacob has something to say about it.  I don't know why Jacob felt it was his place to keep Bella from her daughter.  Everybody seems afraid she's going to smell her human blood and lose control but didn't she just feed on a mountain lion?  The group backs off when they realize that Bella is probably not going to attack her newborn.  She has a tender moment with her baby and we find out Renesme(god I hate typing that stupid name) has an extra sense to share her memories, thoughts, and emotions through touch.

     Bella ponders why Jacob has stuck around after she's turned into a vampire and then it finally dawns on her that Jacob has imprinted on her daughter.  She goes nuts and starts screeching at him and pushing him around flinging claims and accusations around.  Jacob begs, pleads, apologizes, and rationalizes but all his posturing falls on deaf ears.  This argument hits a climax when Jacob accidentally calls her daughter Nessie.  Bella assumes the nickname has something to do with the Loch Ness Monster and flips out and tries to attack but instead injures Seth. 

     If there's a plot to be found in Breaking Dawn this is where it hits a brick wall.  No significant events happen for the next few chapters so here's a short summary; As a wedding gift from her in-laws Bella is given a cabin close to their house, we find out that vampires really really like to have sex, the Cullens don't know how to explain Bella's disappearance or her new physical appearance so they debate about leaving town, Jacob feels he's about to lose Renesme so he turns into wolf in front of Bella's dad and invites him over without the Cullens knowledge, for whatever reason Bella's dad accepts all this, and everybody is concerned about Renesme's rapid growing.

     The "plot" decides to kick back in when Renesme is a small child(her development apparently is also sped up because rather than having the intellect of an infant she can read, speak, and walk).  I forgot to mention this earlier but during Bella and Edward's wedding a conflict begins with her extended vampire family and the wolves.  Irina, a member of the Alaskan vampire coven, notices the wolves at the wedding and blames them for killing her lover Laurent, a vampire that was trying to kill Bella in "New Moon".  As it turns out it's forbidden by the Volturi to create vampire children.  I don't know exactly what Irina has been doing all this time but at this point she is now watching the Cullens from afar when she spots Bella, Jacob, and Renesme.  When she's spotted she runs off before anyone can catch her.

     Back at the house Edward's sister Alice uses her future predicting power to see Irina telling the Volturi about Renesme and the Volturi gathering an army to destroy them all.  Soon after her vision Alice disappears with no explanation leaving the others wondering what they will do about the vampire army coming for them.  She leaves Bella a personal message in a Shakespeare book that only has a name in it and no further explanation.  Alice's vanishing is so cryptic and convoluted.  It makes sense at the end of the book but why she's so secretive about it still makes no freakin sense. The name on title page of "The Merchant of Venice" is for a worst case plan b scenario but Alice assumes that Bella can find this person in time to help.

     The name on that piece of paper is a crooked lawyer who provides the Cullens false passports and papers.  She uses him to get passports for both Jacob and Renesme so they can run away when the Volturi kills everyone.  While this happens the Cullens start gathering allies to combat the Volturi if the need arises.  As it turns out a lot of them have special powers like being able shock someone with a touch or manipulate perception or the elements.  During all this we find Bella has a hidden power to project vampire power proof shields over herself and anybody near her.

     There's really not much else to say.  This is the most anticlimatic book in the series and might just be one of the most anticlimatic books I've ever read.  The Cullens gather witnesses to plead a case to the Volturi and if they don't listen fight them.  I expected an epic battle to occur but nothing at all happened.  There is a lot of talking and debating between both gathered parties.  Irina confesses that she may have been hasty and incorrect when she accused the Cullens and is ripped apart and burned by the Volturi for it.  Towards the end of this little conflict Alice returns with proof that Renesme is no threat to the vampires.  Rather than fighting the Volturi just accept this and leave.  The book ends with Bella using her super powers so Edward can finally hear her thoughts.

     GOD THESE BOOKS SUCK!  After reading 3 out of the 4 I can't imagine why they have such a devoted following.  "Breaking Dawn" is bloated, slow, and just plain boring.  It's clustered with padding and nonevents that have no bearing on the plot, story, or character development. I am grateful that this is the last "Twilight" book I'm going to read.  I have no plans on reading or reviewing the first "Twilight" book.  If I get bored I might review the movie but I really don't think the first movie is that bad.  20/100 Might as well pick up "The Hunger Games" or "Ender's Game" instead of these books or better yet you could just save yourself some time and watch the movies.  The Twilight movies are just as bad but it's more fun to watch a train wreck rather than read about it.

"glower"
Bella & Jacob 15, 41, 187, 333, 470, 506, 
This is Stephenie Meyer's favorite word.  It's obvious she doesn't have a thesaurus or doesn't care to use one.  Six times in one book might not seem like much but it is such an unusual word that I took notice every time it was used.  Its used numerous times throughout the last two novels as well but I didn't have a mind to count them all.  She uses the word glower even more often than Stephen King uses the word apt.

GLOWER

1.

to look or stare with sullen dislike, discontent, or anger

noun

2.

a look of sullen dislike, discontent, or anger

and here are some synonyms she could have used instead: look, glare, stare, watch, scowl, and my personal favorite look daggers.

"Lingerie.  Very lingerie-ish lingerie, with French tags."
Bella page 81
Further proof Stephenie Meyer doesn't have a thesaurus.  Just looking at that sentence is painful.

"I wasn't this happy when you decided you loved me more than you wanted to kill me."
Bella to Edward page 94
Loving someone means never having to say I want to kill you.  If you say this to your partner on your honeymoon you married the wrong person.

"We weren't monsters--in that sense, anyway"
Jacob page 245
This is the second time Stephenie Meyer tried to refer to monsters as not being monsters.

"How about, 'Jacob, I get a kick out of your pain.'"
Jacob to Bella page 298
This is a good question passed off as sarcastic joke.  Aside from maybe grieving over a dead loved one I can't think of an emotion more painful than unrequited love, rejection, and having to see that person with someone else.  Jacob feels all these things but then we get...

"I'm not going to pretend to understand why Bella is unable to let go you, but I do know she does not behave this way to hurt you."
 Edward to Jacob page 338
I'll never understand why some women string ex-boyfriends along and go to such great lengths to keep them in their lives.  Stephenie Meyer on the other hand only seemed to keep the ex along to create tension and occasionally have someone to help save the day.  Maybe its just because I'm a guy but I feel sorry for Jacob.

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?!"
Bella to Jacob page 451
I just thought this line was funny.  I'm sure it wasn't meant to be but there are a few things I found wrong with it.  Jacob calls Renesme Nessie by accident and Bella assumes the nickname has something to do with the famous Scottish hoax.  Nessie to me sounds close enough to Renesme not to be a nickname.  Besides if it were my name I'd take Nessie over Renesme monster jokes be damned.

Happy Halloween!

Got my 2013 Halloween all planned out.  Like most years I'm gonna have a few beers and watch some good ole fashioned movies.  This year the roster is:

Halloween
Friday the 13th
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Evil Dead 1 & 2
The Exorcist
The Blair Witch Project
and maybe Creepshow if I haven't passed out by then.

Except for Creepshow I'm goin back in time and watching the VHS tapes.  That also means that every freakin movie on this list is an original film not a remake (obviously since all the remakes on that list came out after VHS tapes were no longer being released).  Happy Halloween everybody!

More Anthologies

More Horror Anthologies

     I didn’t realize this until I was preparing to write this post but I bought a lot of anthologies this year.  While I’ve read a bunch of different stories out of each one of them I haven’t read any of them in their entirety.  Because I have so many of these damned things I tend to bounce around from one to the other.  Unlike last year I’m not going to review any of these anthologies but instead describe some of the stories I’ve read and the reasons why these anthologies were must haves for my collection.

The Coming of Conan the Cimmerian

     If you’ve seen the 1980’s Conan movies or read the comics you know these stories aren’t horror.  It should be noted though that Robert E. Howard appeared in some of the same pulp magazines that H.P. Lovecraft did.  The stories compiled here are arranged in the order they were written which can be quite confusing.  From one story to the next Conan can be a middle aged king, or a young thief, or a mercenary, or a pirate.  The way Howard explained it was when you talk to a great adventurer he relates stories out of sequence.  I’ve been meaning to pick up this book for years now and all I can say is it was worth the wait.

Shadows 3

     I’ll admit I judged a book by its cover, but I didn’t just buy this book because I thought it had a cool green skull on its cover.  I’ve read the odd Charles L. Grant story in different anthologies and I was curious about the kind of stories he liked or found scary.  I was also intrigued by his self-described “quiet horror” that he reserved both for his stories and the stories he collected here.  It didn’t hurt that it was really cheap either.  I paid 1 penny for the book and 4 dollars for the shipping.

     I’ve only read two stories so far.  “The Brown Recluse” by Davis Grubb is a Sherlock Holmes pastiche.  It was okay if not a little long and boring at times.  I did however enjoy “The Ghost Who Limped” by R. Chetwynd-Hayes.  The story has a twist that I saw coming a mile away but that didn’t stop me from enjoying it.

The Year’s Best Horror Stories VIII

     Might as well get these out of the way.  Karl Edward Wagner was not exactly what you’d the most prolific writer but he still remains my favorite.  It’s a quality over quantity thing.  I didn’t technically buy vol. VIII this year (I bought it at the tail end of last year) but I’m including it here because ya know what?  I didn’t talk about it last year and I figured since I’m featuring the other ones might as well feature this one.  I obviously bought these books to complete my Karl Edward Wagner collection.  Also as a lover of horror anthologies I wanted the see what he thought the best ones were of any given year.  Turns out me and Mr. Wagner disagree on some things but it’s not a bad anthology especially for his debut on the series.

     Later on in this list you’ll see Dennis Etchison’s “The Dead Line” and Hugh B. Cave’s “From the Lower Deep” in “Whispers I and II” and both are great stories and just goes to show how good this anthology is.  Also collected is two stories by Harlan Ellison and “Needle Song” by Charles L. Grant.  As with many editors Wagner was a little biased towards his friends.  Ramsey Campbell, Dennis Etchison, and Hugh B. Cave are regulars in this series but what sets these books apart from other anthologies is what and who Wagner picked.  You’ll see famous names like Stephen King but at the same time you’ll see an author who hadn’t written anything before or since his appearance in this series.  I would like to note that this book is in excellent condition despite its age not that that has anything to do with anything.  I just appreciate it when online sellers are honest about what they are selling.

The Year’s Best Horror Stories IX

     So far this is my least favorite volume in the series.  Some of the stories are a lot longer so you don’t get as many of them.  The first story in this volume is “The Monkey” by Stephen King, which I read a long time ago but you can’t fault a 30+ year old anthology for that.  It also contains a story by Basil A. Smith called “The Propert Bequest”.  I wasn’t able to find any information online about him but Wagner says in his introduction to the story that it “may seem at first a contradiction for a best-of-the year anthology to include a story by an author who has been dead for a number of years,” and describes him a clergyman who died in 1969.  After his death several manuscripts were found and later published.  As fascinating as that is the story itself is a little long winded and boring.  The copy I have is a first edition (also in great condition) and I did spot a rather amusing typo.  In the copyright page Ramsey Campbell’s story “The Gap” is listed as “The Gay”.

The Year’s Best Horror Stories X

As of this date I haven’t cracked this book open yet.  I bought it when I was out of town for a long time and had it sent to my address so it was months before I was able to recover it.  That coupled with the fact that I collect so many of these things I often forget to read them, at least for a time.  I’ll get to this one eventually though.  Once again we have Harlan Ellison, Ramsey Campbell (2 stories), and Charles L. Grant.  Dennis Etchison is for some reason absent from this volume.  My copy of volume X is in pristine condition, so much so I’m a little afraid to read it.  The binding is very tight and looks to never have been read.  You may have noticed that I keep these books wrapped in plastic.  I do this to preserve their condition, which brings me to my next anthology.

The Year’s Best Horror Stories XV

     As a collector I was furious when I received this one through the mail.  Just look at it, it’s in terrible condition and it was not listed as such.  The cover is absolutely trashed, there’s even a chunk missing from it.  The inside cover is filled with library stamps and stickers including a stamp that states: This Book Has Been Discarded By The Richland Public Library. 

On the side of the book is also a stamp that says Westover Hills.  I can only imagine that this book was discarded by two different libraries before it was sold by an unscrupulous seller on amazon.  I’m ashamed to have it next to the other three in the series but however bad the condition is it remains readable.  So I’m cheating again.  I ordered this the same time I ordered volume VIII but have yet to talk about it on this blog.  I ordered a book later in the series because I was more familiar with both the stories and the authors.  My biggest reason for buying it was the Joe R. Lansdale story.  It also has Robert Bloch and Charles L. Grant stories that can be found in “The Mammoth Book of Terror”.  All around it’s a good collection in very poor condition.

Whispers

     Because there are six volumes in the series I often refer to this as Whispers I, but the title on the spine of the book simply reads Whispers.  This anthology takes some of the stories published in the “Whispers” fanzine and also adds a few new ones.  Collecting Karl Edward Wagner, Robert Bloch, Fritz Leiber, Dennis Etchison, Brian Lumley, Hugh B. Cave, and Manly Wade Wellman “Whispers” is a powerhouse.  It is an excellent anthology.  Once again I was screwed by amazon.  I should have known from last time but I stupidly ordered this one and “Whispers II” from the same seller.  They were listed in Very Good condition for $0.01 and since I wanted to add as many as possible to my collection I figured why not.  Once again I got discarded library books.  Both are first editions which means they were in circulation for a very long time.  Volume one doesn’t even have a dust cover and still has the library card slip in the back. 

Because this has already happened before I wasn’t as pissed as I was with “The Year’s Best…” but I am curious about this book’s history, the places it’s been and the stories it could tell.  It’s in okay condition more or less.  It’s still readable and most of the pages are intact(the last page was torn out, the best I can tell it was an about the artist section that described the artists for some of the drawings from the magazine and book).

Whispers II

     Another discarded library book.  It has a dust cover (wrapped in protective mylar, you can see indentions where someone tried to trace the cover art) but is in even worse condition than its predecessor.  The binding is coming loose in some places.  Quality aside we have another great “Whispers” anthology consisting of Karl Edward Wagner, Charles L. Grant, Hugh B. Cave, Dennis Etchison, and Manly Wade Wellman.

Whispers III

     “Whispers III” is in decidedly better condition (and I ended up paying a lot more for this one but hell it was worth it) than the previous two books and the seller saw to it to include a mylar bag to preserve it.  The cover is also intact and beautifully colored.  Once again I am wary of reading this because it is such good condition.  As luck would have it I have already read a few of the stories in different collections.  I’ve obviously read Karl Edward Wagner’s “The River of Night’s Dreaming”, (I’ve achieved that accomplishment in two books now, why not a third?) and Dennis Etchison’s “The Dead Line”.  I have David Campton’s “Firstborn” collected in “The Mammoth Book of Terror”.  The rest are “Whispers” standards such as Hugh B. Cave and Fritz Leiber.

Whispers IV

     As good condition as 3 was in somehow 4 is in better condition.  This book is like new.  I’ve never bought a used book with tighter binding and the pages are bleach white.  It’s like this book was never read.  Unlike volume 3 most of the stories collected here I don’t have in other anthologies, except for Karl Edward Wagner’s “Into Whose Hands” which I only have because it’s in Wagner’s Centipede collections.   “Whispers IV” is a beautiful book and welcomed edition to my collection.

New Terrors II

     Not sure what possessed me to buy this book.  I don’t like Ramsey Campbell as an author so I have no idea why I thought he’d be a good editor.  I’m sure it was the cover that got my attention and the fact that it’s an early 80’s horror anthology.  Staring at that cover I could only imagine what the story which it’s connected to could be about.  The story titled “The Ice Monkey” by M. John Harrison is about a cursed object that may cause someone close to you to die in a horrible accident.  It wasn’t a bad story but at the same time it wasn’t great.  I’ve already talked about Robert Bloch’s “The Rubber Room” in the entry that precedes this one.  “Symbiote” by Andrew J. Offutt is a great story about a parasite that causes to a man fulfill murderous and sexual impulses.  Also included here is Charles L. Grant and Graham Masterton but I haven’t read their stories yet.  Finally R. A. Lafferty’s “The Funny Face Murders” has now taken the mantle as the worst story I have ever read anywhere.  After 31 grueling pages of nonsense I kept hoping it would start making sense but it never did.

Borderlands 2

     “From the Borderlands” is one of my favorite anthologies and I’ve always wanted to get more in the series.  I haven’t read that many stories from this one yet but the ones I have read are definitely very weird.  F. Paul Wilson, Charles L. Grant, and Joe R. Lansdale make appearances.  The book itself was reasonable priced and in great condition.  I bought this one from the same seller that I bought “Whispers III and IV”.  The pages are a little yellowed but other than that the binding is tight.

Best of Best New Horror: Two Decades of Dark Fiction

     This is another book I bought late last year and have yet to include it on this blog.  I bought this brand new at a second hand bookstore.  I believe it must have been an overstock from a firsthand store because there were a few other copies.  This one collects what Stephen Jones considers to be the best stories he’s collected editing “The Mammoth Book of Best New Horror” series.  I picked it up because I don’t have the full series (I do have 15, 16, 17, and 18 but I can’t say I have much interest in having a full collection) and I wanted to read some of the stories from volumes I don’t have.  Here we have Brian Lumley, Ramsey Campbell, Harlan Ellison, Christopher Fowler, Stephen King, Clive Barker, Joe Hill, Kim Newman, and Peter Straub.  A great collection but I tend to disagree with his idea of “best” with some of the volumes I own even though Stephen Jones tries to negate that title in his introduction.  If you’re interested the series is ongoing and still being edited by Jones, it should be on the 24^th volume.

In the Flesh and The Inhuman Condition

     I’ve got all the various authors anthologies out of the way so now it’s time for the singular author collections.  I acquired these books on a very fun and eventful day.  My great aunt had passed away and it was up to me and some other family members to claim and pack up her belongings from her house.  My aunt lived in a small town and I still have some family and friends there even though many of them have either died or moved away.  A cousin of mine was still living there and while we were working she mentioned a pawn shop where she buys movies and a used bookstore.  I didn’t have much cash on me but I told her the last day I was there that we should go to both places.  I’m an old school gamer and when I spotted a used Nintendo 64 I knew I just had to have it.  As it turns out after the 40 bucks I dropped on the 64 and a game I only had 3 bucks in my pocket.  At the used bookstore I went over to see if they had any Star Trek books I wanted to buy.  This is usually my first stop at any secondhand bookstore.  In a cardboard box I found a novelization of Batman’s legendary fight with Bane (the comic book version not the movie version) that I wanted but under it were two Clive Barker books.  Each book was in good condition and had a sticker over the barcode that read “Please Scan Inside Cover”.  I went over to the counter and asked the guy how much the books cost because I only had 3 bucks and he answered me back 3 bucks.  

     Although I already read “The Forbidden” in “In the Flesh” I’ve only read two other stories from “The Inhuman Condition”.  “The Age of Desire” is about a failed medical experiment involving aphrodisiacs that causes an ordinary man to turn into a crazed rapist and murderer.  It was very good and among the best Clive Barker stories I’ve read.  It’s more of a sci fi story than horror though.  “Revelations” is a quirky ghost story set in an Amarillo motel in Texas featuring two bitter ghosts who killed each other and an evangelist preacher, his wife, and associate.  It was okay but not quite what I expected.

 

House of the Restless Dead and Other Stories by Hugh B. Cave

     I am a great admirer of Hugh B. Cave’s work and that’s exactly why I bought this book… well not exactly.  Yes it’s true I’ve been wanting to buy this book for a while now but if I didn’t need a couple bucks to be eligible for free shipping on amazon I might not have bought it all.  It also took forever and a day to be delivered.  Looking at the very last page I think I know why.  The books copyright proclaims 2011 but at the very last page of the book is a barcode and a message that says “Made in the USA/ Lexington, KY/ 31 August 2013.  If this is true it is the only book I own that was made to order.  I never imagined a publisher would do that and my only guess is that they’re a small independent press that can’t afford to print books and have them lying around until someone orders one.

     The book collects Cave’s early and previously unpublished works from the pulps.  I’ve only read two stories so far.  The first story I read, “Daughters of Dark Desire”, had more typos than any story I have ever read.  I ignored the first two thinking they were simple mistakes but then started writing down the mistakes and their locations on an index card.  I noticed 9 more mistakes including the title which read “Daughter of Dark Desire” instead of daughters which is how it is presented on the index as well as at the top of every other page of the story.  Typos aside it’s a great story.  The book also features an informative introduction which talks about Cave’s life during and after the pulps.

Remember Why You Fear Me: The Best Dark Fiction of Robert Shearman by Robert Shearman

     Out of all my new anthologies I’ve read the most out of this one.  It is just that good.  Each story I’ve read is creative, original, and downright bizarre which makes setting down the book and leaving it alone very difficult.  I’ll bet if you buy this book and begin to read it you’ll agree you’ve never read anything or anybody that even closely resembles it.  There’s story about homicidal cherubs, very weird grandmas, odd Lovecraftian creatures that shouldn’t exist, Adolf Hitler’s favorite dog, and a man mourning the death of his wife who believes she’s coming back through his own face.


To check out my anthology post from last year go here: last year's anthologies