The Twight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt.1 - 2011

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt.1 - 2011

Forever is only the beginning

and trust me after watching this movie you’ll agree

I remember a time when vampires were menacing creatures who killed indiscriminately to satiate a lust for blood.  They had no redeeming qualities and were always the villains.  If you've seen as many horror movies as I have chances are you’ve seen at least one really bad vampire flick(Queen of the Damned).  Breaking Dawn is one of the absolute worst ones I’ve seen for the following reasons

•          This can scarcely be called a vampire movie because no one is seen actually being a vampire.  I realize that most people who dislike this series can say the same about all these movies but in this one out of all the vampire characters no one is seen biting victims’ necks, feasting on blood, killing anything, or even displaying what these movies laughingly call preternatural powers.  (There’s a short flashback scene where Edward reveals he used to drink human blood from rapists and murderers.  It’s funny but I think I read about a vampire who did the same thing.  I think it was in a book called The Vampire Lestat.  Believe it or not both characters justify taking human life by drinking the blood of evildoers.  They even pick them out the same way, by reading their minds.)
•          I’m actually a big fan of these movies if only for their camp value.  Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse are all examples of movies so bad they’re good, sadly I can’t say the same about this one.
•          Absolute lack of an antagonist.  This movie has no bad guy and I really don’t know how else to put this but a bulk of the movie is just stuff happening.  Works great on a Cheech and Chong movie, here it’s just really boring.  The Volturi make a brief appearance in Bella’s nightmare proving that the only things that happen in this movie are in flashbacks and dreams.
•          THIS FUCKING MOVIE HAS NO GODDAMN PLOT!!!  Watch this movie and try briefly describing the movie’s plot to someone who hasn’t seen it.  It’s about a human character getting married to a vampire and having a baby. Does that sound like a good vampire movie to you?!  More than half of this movie is devoted to a wedding(opening 20 minutes) and a honeymoon(40 minutes).  None of which are more entertaining than the average wedding and honeymoon by adding vampires and werewolves. 
•          Stephanie Meyer does not know how to write men.  Oh don’t get me wrong she knows well enough how to write men how her target audience wants to perceive them, as virtuous, sensitive, and willing to fight to the very end for their fair maiden.
•          Stephanie Meyer does not know how to write women either.  This has nothing much to do with this movie but all the movies on a whole.  I just don’t see what is so desirable about the Bella character.  Bella is so one sided, shallow, and self-absorbed that all her motives leading up to this movie can be explained with the following phrase: BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  Here a few examples: Why does Bella fall in love with Edward in the first movie?  BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  Why does she constantly pester Edward about her mortality in New Moon?  BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  Why does Edward reject her and subsequently disappear?  BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  Why does she end up becoming an emotional wreck waking up screaming bloody murder in her sleep after Edward leaves her?  BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  Why does she reject Jacob when Edward reappears?  BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  Why is she getting married at 18?  BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE!  For a series written by a woman with a protagonist that is a woman women aren’t always seen in the best light.
•          This movie is so much filler it becomes painfully clear why they broke it up into two parts.  Either they are trying to capitalize even further from this franchise or they were afraid if the wedding and honeymoon sequences weren’t done exactly like they were in the book they were going to have a lot of angry fans on their hands.  

After the honeymoon Breaking Dawn starts to pick up the pace when Bella becomes pregnant…  If you’re lost so am I.  I’ve read a lot of vampire books and watched a lot of vampire movies.  Usually they tend to agree on one thing; vampires are dead and since they don’t eat or drink their bodily functions have ceased.  So vampires can’t have sex or ejaculate.  Supposing they could wouldn’t vampire sperm be immobile?  Perhaps I’m reading too much into a story of misplaced teenage love involving vampires and werewolves.

 My theories on vampire anatomy are akin to Brodie and TS’s discussion about super hero reproduction

Bella is still human and since the baby is supernatural not only does it begin to grow at an accelerated rate but it starts to kill her.  Time for good ol’ fashioned male rationale.  Kinda funny that the subject of women’s rights enters into such a goofy movie but nevertheless both Jacob and Edward agree it’s best to abort the baby.  Not to get into my own personal beliefs too much but it seems entirely reasonable to get rid of demon babies that are quickly killing you but instead Bella decides to keep them.  Why she does is never quite clear to me and the BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE A VAMPIRE motive doesn’t quite fit here.

In the midst of all this there is a werewolf schism when part of the pack wants to protect Bella and the baby while the others want to destroy it and all the vampires with it.  Next comes my favorite part of any of this movie.  The still human Bella finds the only way to please the baby is to drink blood and she does so by drinking it out of a foam fast food cup complete with lid and straw.  That is without doubt the funniest thing I have seen throughout all these movies.

 Vanished Civilizations?  Guess that explains where the plot went.

I can barely believe I’m saying this but this movie has a scene towards the end that has grossed me out more than anything I’ve ever seen in any other vampire movie.  Turns out that all the men in this movie were right about removing the baby because it does actually kill her.  Hope I’m not ruining anything for you but it just so happens Padame Amida – sorry Bella is pregnant with twins.  The only way to get them out is by cesarean which a female character tries(sorry I can’t remember what the hell her name is because she has such a small role in these movies) to do with a scalpel when she goes blood crazy and has to be tackled.  Apparently there isn’t time to get a new one or sanitize the one that fell on the floor so being a vampire Edward does what comes natural and starts chewing the babies out.  No pun intended that’s actually what he does.  The camera stays out of view but when he reemerges he’s got blood all over his face and lips.  Aside from being disgusting this is for me an lol head slappin moment.  The dirty scalpel isn’t sanitary but his mouth is?!

Are you gonna finish that?

Rather than bore you on the details of how this movie ends I’ll just sum it up quickly.  There’s an uneventful vampire/werewolf fight that ends suddenly.  Like we haven’t already seen that.  Bella dies and Edward tries to resuscitate her by using his “vampire venom” which doesn’t work until the credits are about to start.

Little known fact vampire venom is usually extracted from the anus in a very painful procedure.

I really didn’t see anything here that would need to be split into two movies.  In fact I think you could probably trim a good 30 minutes off the run time by cutting the wedding and honeymoon sequences.  If this is the final result ya gotta wonder if they bothered cutting anything at all.

I give this movie a 10/100.  I was considering giving it a higher score simply because I felt sorry for it.  I am loathe to give any movie such a low score but I just couldn't bring myself to give this movie any more credit than it deserves.  It is boring, uneventful, and directionless.  A lot of times when movies are part of a trilogy or a series or based on a book fans will overlook weaknesses in them.  In the case of book adaptations people often compare them to the books.  Since I've never read the books I like to judge this on it's own weight as a movie.  Even forgetting the other movies this is just a really weak movie.