Mission Earth Pt 1 - (Bleep) happens

Mission Earth Pt.1 The Invaders Plan

I’ve only made it to page 38 so I still haven’t gotten very far into this book but when you take into account the 3 separate introductions the book feels a lot longer.  First we are treated to an introduction by the author himself.  L. Ron’s introduction is reminiscent of a really boring lecture by a long winded teacher.  I really hate it when an author opens a book with an introduction.  I’m either forced to read it to get a better understanding of the book or skip it and be left wondering whether it has any relevance.  You see I’m like a kid or a heroin junkie, as soon as I get something new I’m filled with apprehension and can’t wait to watch, listen, or read it and an introduction is a lot like a huge roadblock keeping me from getting what I want.

The introduction opens with L. Ron explaining the origins of the word “SATIRE” beginning with the latin word satura.  Then he goes into its use as a literary form and the early authors of this burgeoning genre.  Then he pats himself on the back for being so witty and compares himself to other satirical and sci fi writers including Edgar Allen Poe, Jules Vern, H.G. Wells, and George Orwell.  If he’d compared himself to Vonnegut I would have violently thrown the book across the room, stomped on it several times, set it on fire, and finally relieve myself on the ashes.  This introduction proved the old adage if you have to explain a joke it’s not funny!  That whole segment lasted 7 pages and accomplished nothing other than this is a work of satire which I’m sure the reader would have understood if they’d had a chance to begin the book.

Next we are treated to another introduction

@#$%!

As if I wasn’t irritated enough with the first introduction.  This one is by an oppressive official who claims there is no planet earth and the events in this book never happened.  It’s only two and a half pages long so it’s not that bad.  Alright now on to the story… wait… what’s this?  ANOTHER INTRODUCTION?!!!!!!!!!!!!  ARRRRRRRRRG!  You have got to be kidding me!  Why the hell does this book have so many damned introductions.  My textbooks in school didn’t have this many introductions.  I’d really really like to start reading this book now.

Our fiftieth introduction is by a translating Robotbrain named 54 Charlee Nine.  He explains how much superior Vultarians are from Earth beings particularly their language.  Whoo boy what with the introduction by Hubbard, the second introduction by Lord Invay, and now this one this book truly is a no holds barred thrill ride.  I needed to put the book down right then and there just to stop the fluttering in my chest.  Anyway the Robotbrain explains that in translating this book it has had to insert (bleeps) whenever there’s profanity because it’s programming prohibits it even when asked to do so.  I’ll get to this little eccentricity later but at the time I didn’t know what this meant.  It’s as though Hubbard wanted to write a sleazy book but censored himself.  This has got to be the first time in history an author has willingly censored his own work.

This is where the book finally starts.  Yeah we’re 11 pages into it but it’s on now, PART 1, CHAPTER 1.  Mission Earth begins with a convict praising his warden about every little thing like the world’s worst brown noser and confesses how he became imprisoned in the first place. From this point I got the impression this entire book is going to be narrated by this weasely character.

He explains he used to be a lowly employee of the Cooperative Information Apparatus or CIA.  As far as I can tell this is some kind of agency that files reports for the police.  From his ramblings it’s implied that Voltar most likely is some kind of military dictatorship.  The cream of the crop are elevated to military service while our narrator Soltan Gris is not among them.  Instead his physical and test scores resigned him to an uneventful career of pushing papers.  What strikes me as odd is he is explaining governmental, scholastic, and military protocol to someone who should already know them.  In case you didn’t notice this is just an excuse to dump a heapin’ helpin’ of exposition on us so we can further understand this culture and it’s hierarchy.  I can imagine if this were happening in real life Soltan Gris’ inquisitor would be becoming very impatient.

WOW MA!  This year's exposition looks even bigger than last years!

Soltan Gris goes on to tell us he was getting ready for a holiday vacation with friends when he is apprehended at his apartment by guards.

From here the story gets really incoherent and as irritated as I was from the 3 introductions I became increasingly more confused and bored with the way the story was unfolding.  Soltan Gris is taken to his boss Lombar Hisst’s office(I would just like to state here that I have taken great pains to make sure the names are spelled correctly).  Lombar tosses a crumpled up piece of paper at Soltan and demands answers.  Soltan has no idea why his boss is so mad and neither do we.  This reminds me when I was a kid and my brother used to get angry about something and confront me or my younger brother.  When we asked what we had done he screamed at us that we knew what we did.  Every time this happened we’d stare at him until he explained it and it was usually him blaming us for misplacing something of his when it was clear we hadn’t.  Gee thanks for bringing back those crappy memories book.

Lombar Hisst, his thugs, and Soltan Gris go to docking bay where they break into a ship.  This is where we get our first taste of the censorship mention in the third introduction when Lombar says “Why can’t you attend to these things you (bleep)?”  When I read the introduction I thought it was kidding about censoring all the profanity in the book.  From now on whenever I feel like using profanity in this review I’m going to replace it with a (bleep) just so you can get an idea how annoying it is.  I mean I’m a (bleeping) adult (bleep)!  I can read (bleep) like this and I probably have a far more profane vocabulary than even L. Ron Hubbard could imagine.  This is horse (bleep)!  I don’t need (bleep) candy coated for me anymore.  *SIGH* now that I got that out of my system…

They break into a ship carrying a messenger(I think it’s some kind of spy really).  The messenger has an envelope and Lombar Hisst asks several questions posed as statements.  In other words he’s grilling the messenger.  The information he provides doesn’t make sensing and my confusion grows.

Next we find the gang going into a sports arena.  This is the first time Mission Earth grabbed my attention.  Hubbard describes a sport I’d actually want to see called bullet ball.  It’s a lot like dodge ball and major league pitching.  Four players surround one in a circle and throw small black balls called bullets at him.  It is then up to him to dodge and weave or catch the bullets.  The balls thrown by the players outside the circle are thrown like baseball pitches curving and breaking.

It is here we meet Jettero Heller, one of the men inside the circle playing this game.  Lombar conspires to kidnap Jettero for reasons that go unexplained but we are led to believe it has something to do with a timetable which is why Lombar is so (bleeped) at Soltan.  Although Jettero is described as some kind of superman Lombar and company succeed in capturing him.

After the kidnapping Soltan rejoins Lombar in his office where he explains why he’s so (blanked) off at him.  Prior to all this Lombar gave explicit instructions for Soltan to block all reports concerning earth and he accidentally let one get through and apparently this has something to do with the elusive timetable.  Lombar invites his boss into his office and they all discuss this and thus ends chapter 6.

There you have it the beginning of Mission Earth book 1 The Invaders Plan.  I guess it could be worse but I really don’t see how.  So far I don’t think it’s too bad just really confusing and convoluted.  The numerous introductions leave a lot to be desired but at least Bullet Ball was interesting.  I’m looking forward to reading more so I can hopefully unravel the mysterious opening of this book.  Final verdict, kinda bad but not entirely unreadable.  While it is satire I haven’t found myself so much as giggling or thinking anything in particular was clever.  I give the first 6 chapters of part 1 a flat 70 D-.  It’s confusing but at least it isn’t boring(excluding the intros of course).