Mission Earth - The Invaders Plan Pt. 3

Mission Earth Pt. 3 When Krak Attacks

“In my room, Heller got my clothes off me and put me in the bath and when he had the mesh washed away he got me into bed.”

(beginning of chapter 4, when I read that I was sure I was reading gay erotica)

        Every time I felt like reading something my hand would pass over this book and it started to tremble a little.  Needless to say every time I felt like reading I played video games or goofed off on the internet for a little while instead.  That’s how bad the last part of this book was.  With that said I was shocked when I found out how easy this 100 pages was to read.

There’s a lot of reasons why I struggled so much with the first 100 pages, poorly conceived characters, bull(bleep) technology, juvenile writing, bad narration, but the biggest reason I had so much trouble was that nothing was happening.  That’s changed quite a bit now.  When I picked up the book again I was expecting the same ole (bleep) but instead Hubbard chose to focus more on the characters this time and while they’re still poorly conceived(all of them, there are no exceptions) it grabbed my attention enough to actually enjoy what I was reading for a while.

Once again Jettero Heller is more immaculate than Jesus himself as he fraternizes with guards, flirts with inmates, impossibly maps the prison, and wins a fixed game of dice(another Hubbard invented Voltarian game).  I feel that this statement might contradict itself, but Jettero Heller’s flawlessness makes him a very flawed character.  It’s just very aggravating and tiring and gets worse the more I read.  No character I’ve ever read in any other book fails to make mistakes, always says or does the right things, or never comes into conflict with anyone.  Is this what Hubbard meant when he said satire?  There’s a reason I’ve never read a book or story with a character like Heller, anyone reading it would become uninterested and stop reading.  I feel like a broken record here but every time Heller is presented with a challenge or problem I know he’s going to glide through it without so much as a bump in the road.

As we start with this part Jettero has charmed the platoon commandant, Snelz, and they’re chatting and eating sweet buns and drinking sparkle water(I figure it champagne in this world).  Next it’s off to Countess Krak(god I feel like giggling every time I have to write that name) supposedly to learn earth languages and how to be a better spy.  Countess Krak was briefly introduced last time but gets elaborated on more now.  While Countess Krak was a school teacher she trained children to be assassin thieves.  Countess Krak possesses an uncanny ability to train people.  Kind of a lame super power but if I was to create a superhero(or villian) named Countess Crack her superpower would be every time she saw someone with low riding underwear or visible cracks she could mysteriously give them a wedgie.

Instead of take the elevator(or tubes) Heller insists they walk all the way to Krak’s training room.  Using the soles of his clunky boots and his watch he’s able to map out the entire complex that goes from the depths of the earth to the clouds in the sky.  Now let’s focus on why he does this.  I HAVE NO (BLEEPING) CLUE!!!  Trust me after I read this I pondered this for a while and every scenario I came up with didn’t make any logical sense.  I figured it might be foreshadowing an escape but it turns out this scene was just written to display Hubbard’s love for Jettero Heller.  He even tells Soltan he knew when the temperature dropped half a degree and I’m sure not even the most hypersensitive animal can feel that.

Inside Krak’s training room(that sounds like an all-male bathhouse) she’s yelling and whipping apparatus agents as they flee for their lives from both her and a large angry catlike animal.  This is a really bad and confusing transition.  Just to get idea of what I’m talking about one minute we’re outside with Heller and Gris talking about how he mapped the entire prison using just his boots, watch, and a hypersensitivity to temperature change, and the next we’re inside Krak’s training room where all hell is breaking loose.  I haven’t read a transition this bad since The Dresden Files Blood Rites where the book starts off with him running from flying poop throwing monkeys with no explanation of what he’s doing or why he’s there.  I guess Hubbard was trying to establish Countess Krak as a strong, independent, woman before he turned her into a stupid, drooling, love struck, slut by the time she meets Heller.

Countess Krak runs a circus and freak show for the apparatus and Lombar Hiist sent her lepertige that’s been declawed.  She explains that is more difficult to train injured animals and tells them to tell their boss if he sends her another damaged animal she’ll train it to kill him.  Countess Krak is described as a beautiful but deadly and extremely temperamental woman and yet Jettero Heller manages to charm without the slightest of difficulty, big surprise.  I don’t know why he’s so attracted to her after all his first impression of her she’s yelling, tossing guys around, and threatening people not to mention she’s in prison for training young children how to kill for her.  Does that sound like someone you’d want to take home to meet your mom?  This romance seems even more plotted and ludicrous when you consider Heller is a marine and hero.  That’s like Captain America shacking up with the Black Widow.  Once again is this the satire Hubbard was talking about?  If so it’s not very clever.

Heller woos her with the oldest line in the world(the book even says this as he asks why a beautiful thing like her is doing in a place like this.  I don’t know women at all but has that seriously ever worked?!) and actually succeeds as she breaks down crying for no reason.  From this point on Countess Krak will make up any flimsy excuse to see Heller. 

The next time we see her she’s cleaning up her dingy training room so she can impress Heller.  When Sultan Gris sits on a chair she’s assigned for Heller she freaks and jerks him out of the chair.  We also see a personality shift in Countess Krak, rather than beat and berate her servants she’s patient, understanding, and polite.

So in the small amount of time since she’s met Jettero Heller she’s gone from an antisocial, psychotic, dominatrix to a blubbering, diplomatic, matron.  I’ve never seen a character take such a dramatic change so quickly.  This must be another example of Hubbard’s misplaced idea of satire but at least she’s a fun character and her presence throughout this part makes the pages fly by a little faster.

At this point it should be obvious that Countess Krak and Jettero Heller start an artificial and forced romance.  Because she’s still a prisoner she has to smuggle herself in boxes up to Gris’ room.  The book isn’t clear about this but I believe they’re having sex because they ask Gris to excuse himself.  Sultan Gris takes this time to dig up dirt on Heller and finds that not only is he rich but has a weakness for gambling and yep you guessed it he never loses.

In an effort to financially break Heller Gris acquires some fixed dice and the help of Snelz.  It’s believed by Soltan Gris if Heller has no money to bride guards to bring up Krak every night he’ll be more likely to immerse himself in mission earth.  As soon as this plan was hatched I knew it was going to fail and here’s why: it’s Sultan Gris’ idea and even though he’s got a surefire way to win it was destined to fail simply because he’s Soltan Gris, it’s a plan from an entirely flawed character against a godlike one of course it’s going to fail, this book has become painfully predictable.

I’m not one of those smug jackasses who always says they saw the plot twist or ending coming but this book has become more see thru than a ziplock bag.  Snelz agrees to help(but only because Gris threatens to kill him) and Soltan advances a year’s pay of 5,000 credits.  Gris is unable to watch as he is summoned by the geneticist Lombar Hisst ordered them to go to so they could breath,  move, and look more like humans.  Soltan Gris has been avoiding him because for some reason every time he’s around him he gets violently ill.  Professor Crobe threatens to tell Hisst about Gris avoiding him unless he bribes him 200 credits.

      When Gris gets back somehow Snelz has lost every bit of his money.  Heller offers to let Snelz have it back but he refuses.  The next time we see Gris he’s on a mountain contemplating suicide when Snelz shows up, now he’s contemplating a murder/suicide.  I can’t say I blame him either Snelz shows up like nothing’s wrong is chatty, pleasant, and jovial.  If someone lost $5,000 of my own money and came over to me like nothing happen I’d toss their dumbass right over that (bleeping) cliff.

        Snelz explains to Gris the reason the dice failed was because the gel inside them melted every time they threw the dice so the ball bearings wouldn’t stay in place.  He offers Gris 10 credits he had someone snatch from someone else and that give Gris just enough money to bribe Crobe.  Thus ends part 4.

I know I’m being generous here but I score this 80 –B.  I was and still am surprised how quickly this 100 pages went by.  That’s not to say it’s still bad.  The writing is still very poor and clichéd at times, nothing interesting happens to the uninteresting characters, and no matter what everything always goes Jettero Heller’s way.  Because of all these things, but in particular the last one, this book is still bland, boring, and predictable.   Also I was hoping by the time I got this far in the book they might already be on earth.  At this pace I doubt they’re going to get there by the end of this book.

Mission Earth The Invaders Plan Pt. 2

Mission Earth Pt. 2

This may be a little premature since I’m only 100 pages into this book but Mission Earth Pt. 1 – The Invaders Plan is the best book I’ve ever read.  That’s no small statement either,  I am an avid reader and probably have hundreds of books under my belt.

It’s hard for me to emphasize how complex and well written this book is.  L. Ron Hubbard’s Mission Earth Pt. 1 – The Invaders Plan has so many layers it’s like a Greek play. Hemmingway, Dickens, Shakespeare, Melvin, these names pale in comparison to the great L. Ron Hubbard.    I am so enthralled by this book I may just read more books by L. Ron Hubbard.

*SIGH* I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this charade.  THIS BOOK (bleep)ING SUCKS!  Hubbard doesn’t have a clue how to write his own characters.  The two leads are a sniveling coward and a superman incapable of failure.  Jettero Heller is the perfect physical specimen, the perfect marine, the perfect hero, and the perfect athlete.  His only faults are he’s gullible and he’s a crappy spy.  From the very beginning we know there is no way Jettero Heller can fail and we know that’s all Soltan Gris can do.  Furthermore who exactly are we rooting for here?  If Lombar and Soltan win we destroy ourselves and if Jettero succeeds we eventually get destroyed or enslaved by the Voltarians.

When I stopped last time nothing much had happened; Soltan Gris screwed up, they kidnapped a guy, and there was talk of a timetable.  The next part of Mission Earth opens up with a senate meeting a la Star Wars and it’s just as boring.  But in Mission Earth’s defense this is completely necessary and advances the story.  Here is where we get a better idea of what this timetable is.  All we are told of this invasion timetable is that it was handed down by an elder generation.

This really bothers me, the Voltarians are an advanced space faring species whose entire culture and philosophy was developed by people who existed thousands of years ago and they never question this?  It never occurred to them that the people who made these timetables might be idiots?  Or at the very least misleading?  The citizens of Voltar and the other planets their empire occupies never got tired of wasting lives and resources in an effort to further their already bloated empire?  At the beginning of the book Gris explains their capital city has harnessed the power of a black freakin hole to provide limitless energy across the planet and the only way they can think of utilizing this technology is to annihilate and subjugate weaker less developed species?!

The report that Soltan let through reveals that Earth due to nuclear war and pollution is going to destroy itself long before Voltar gets a chance to destroy it.  You may be asking yourself why does it matter how earth is destroyed if it still gets destroyed.  The Voltarians want to use Earth as a way station for supplies and troops and in order to do that they need Earth to remain intact.  The members of the senate argue about how to proceed when Lombar suggests they let the Apparatus handle it which of course is what they do without a second of thought or hesitation.

Lombar Hisst and Soltan Gris then go to the underground prison where they’re having Jettero Heller held.  Lombar explains to Soltan that he wants Mission Earth to fail… ummm for ambiguous reasons, he just says he wants the planet to destroy itself and he’s picked Jettero Heller as a fall guy.  Makes sense doesn’t it?  Pick the one and only guy who could possibly ruin your plans to spearhead an operation you want to fail.  I don’t see how this could backfire. 

Hisst leaves Soltan to question Heller and put a spin on the kidnapping so they can recruit him.  Jettero lacking any common sense agrees to join the people that not one week ago beat, kidnapped, and imprisoned him.  He doesn’t even take that much convincing, his only condition is that they get some reassignment forms for him from the marines.

Getting Jettero discharged is easier said than done.  Gris gets the papers and goes off to get some of Heller’s personal possessions when he’s jumped by a gang of marines who easily knock the (bleep) out of him.  I suppose they could have just arrested, detained, and questioned him like any normal military but on Voltar who needs proper procedure?*  When they finally do question him he tells them that he wasn’t missing just on an important assignment for the grand council. 

That excuse is good enough for the MPs as they escort him to Jettero Heller’s room.  Once in Soltan discovers just how well liked Heller is by his comrades as his 3 room suite is filled with expensive artifacts from other worlds.  His marine escort explains to him that he acquired all this wealth after his ship crash landed and he was able to uncover a part to repair the ship and saved some 3,000 lives.

After gathering a few things from Heller’s room Soltan Gris rejoins Lombar at the prison.  Soltan explains that Heller will need some spy training for the mission and judging on how easily he can be led and lied to I’d agree.  Lombar enlists the help of a Countess Krak(yeah I know it sounds like a dominatrix with a drug problem) to teach Heller Earth languages and how to be a better spy.  Thus ends part 2 of The Invaders Plan.

* My brother was an MP for the marines for a few years.  When I came to him with this problem he explained to me that this is exactly how low ranking grunts would react to off base non-military personnel coming around asking questions and demanding personal possessions of someone who is AWOL.  He also explained to me that the marines that took part in this unwarranted assault would not be punished or reprimanded.  To me it still sounds like they flew way off the handle and overreacted.  Just imagine if the civilian police acted this way.  Uhhh yeah you know Officer Smith who went missing a week and a half ago?  I may have information on his whereabouts.  GET HIM!!!!  HE'S BEING UNCOOPERATIVE USE YOUR PEPPER SPRAY!  WITNESS CONTINUES NOT TO COMPLY USE YOUR TASER!!!!

Part 1 showed some promise but part 2 lacks any interest I had in reading this book.  The more I read the more I get annoyed by the forced censorship.  While reading this part I had a hard time imagining that Hubbard stretched this concept for another 9 books.  I'd still rather much read all the profanity in text rather than try to work out in my head just what the hell they're trying to say.  As far as this part of the book goes it's really dull and uneventful.  This gets a flat 30.  I'd much rather be reading something I actually enjoy like Philip K. Dick or Stephen King.  This one just totally lost my interest in not just reading this book but reading period akin to South Park's Officer Barbrady's description of Atlas Shrugged.  This book is absolute Failure.

Mission Earth Pt 1 - (Bleep) happens

Mission Earth Pt.1 The Invaders Plan

I’ve only made it to page 38 so I still haven’t gotten very far into this book but when you take into account the 3 separate introductions the book feels a lot longer.  First we are treated to an introduction by the author himself.  L. Ron’s introduction is reminiscent of a really boring lecture by a long winded teacher.  I really hate it when an author opens a book with an introduction.  I’m either forced to read it to get a better understanding of the book or skip it and be left wondering whether it has any relevance.  You see I’m like a kid or a heroin junkie, as soon as I get something new I’m filled with apprehension and can’t wait to watch, listen, or read it and an introduction is a lot like a huge roadblock keeping me from getting what I want.

The introduction opens with L. Ron explaining the origins of the word “SATIRE” beginning with the latin word satura.  Then he goes into its use as a literary form and the early authors of this burgeoning genre.  Then he pats himself on the back for being so witty and compares himself to other satirical and sci fi writers including Edgar Allen Poe, Jules Vern, H.G. Wells, and George Orwell.  If he’d compared himself to Vonnegut I would have violently thrown the book across the room, stomped on it several times, set it on fire, and finally relieve myself on the ashes.  This introduction proved the old adage if you have to explain a joke it’s not funny!  That whole segment lasted 7 pages and accomplished nothing other than this is a work of satire which I’m sure the reader would have understood if they’d had a chance to begin the book.

Next we are treated to another introduction

@#$%!

As if I wasn’t irritated enough with the first introduction.  This one is by an oppressive official who claims there is no planet earth and the events in this book never happened.  It’s only two and a half pages long so it’s not that bad.  Alright now on to the story… wait… what’s this?  ANOTHER INTRODUCTION?!!!!!!!!!!!!  ARRRRRRRRRG!  You have got to be kidding me!  Why the hell does this book have so many damned introductions.  My textbooks in school didn’t have this many introductions.  I’d really really like to start reading this book now.

Our fiftieth introduction is by a translating Robotbrain named 54 Charlee Nine.  He explains how much superior Vultarians are from Earth beings particularly their language.  Whoo boy what with the introduction by Hubbard, the second introduction by Lord Invay, and now this one this book truly is a no holds barred thrill ride.  I needed to put the book down right then and there just to stop the fluttering in my chest.  Anyway the Robotbrain explains that in translating this book it has had to insert (bleeps) whenever there’s profanity because it’s programming prohibits it even when asked to do so.  I’ll get to this little eccentricity later but at the time I didn’t know what this meant.  It’s as though Hubbard wanted to write a sleazy book but censored himself.  This has got to be the first time in history an author has willingly censored his own work.

This is where the book finally starts.  Yeah we’re 11 pages into it but it’s on now, PART 1, CHAPTER 1.  Mission Earth begins with a convict praising his warden about every little thing like the world’s worst brown noser and confesses how he became imprisoned in the first place. From this point I got the impression this entire book is going to be narrated by this weasely character.

He explains he used to be a lowly employee of the Cooperative Information Apparatus or CIA.  As far as I can tell this is some kind of agency that files reports for the police.  From his ramblings it’s implied that Voltar most likely is some kind of military dictatorship.  The cream of the crop are elevated to military service while our narrator Soltan Gris is not among them.  Instead his physical and test scores resigned him to an uneventful career of pushing papers.  What strikes me as odd is he is explaining governmental, scholastic, and military protocol to someone who should already know them.  In case you didn’t notice this is just an excuse to dump a heapin’ helpin’ of exposition on us so we can further understand this culture and it’s hierarchy.  I can imagine if this were happening in real life Soltan Gris’ inquisitor would be becoming very impatient.

WOW MA!  This year's exposition looks even bigger than last years!

Soltan Gris goes on to tell us he was getting ready for a holiday vacation with friends when he is apprehended at his apartment by guards.

From here the story gets really incoherent and as irritated as I was from the 3 introductions I became increasingly more confused and bored with the way the story was unfolding.  Soltan Gris is taken to his boss Lombar Hisst’s office(I would just like to state here that I have taken great pains to make sure the names are spelled correctly).  Lombar tosses a crumpled up piece of paper at Soltan and demands answers.  Soltan has no idea why his boss is so mad and neither do we.  This reminds me when I was a kid and my brother used to get angry about something and confront me or my younger brother.  When we asked what we had done he screamed at us that we knew what we did.  Every time this happened we’d stare at him until he explained it and it was usually him blaming us for misplacing something of his when it was clear we hadn’t.  Gee thanks for bringing back those crappy memories book.

Lombar Hisst, his thugs, and Soltan Gris go to docking bay where they break into a ship.  This is where we get our first taste of the censorship mention in the third introduction when Lombar says “Why can’t you attend to these things you (bleep)?”  When I read the introduction I thought it was kidding about censoring all the profanity in the book.  From now on whenever I feel like using profanity in this review I’m going to replace it with a (bleep) just so you can get an idea how annoying it is.  I mean I’m a (bleeping) adult (bleep)!  I can read (bleep) like this and I probably have a far more profane vocabulary than even L. Ron Hubbard could imagine.  This is horse (bleep)!  I don’t need (bleep) candy coated for me anymore.  *SIGH* now that I got that out of my system…

They break into a ship carrying a messenger(I think it’s some kind of spy really).  The messenger has an envelope and Lombar Hisst asks several questions posed as statements.  In other words he’s grilling the messenger.  The information he provides doesn’t make sensing and my confusion grows.

Next we find the gang going into a sports arena.  This is the first time Mission Earth grabbed my attention.  Hubbard describes a sport I’d actually want to see called bullet ball.  It’s a lot like dodge ball and major league pitching.  Four players surround one in a circle and throw small black balls called bullets at him.  It is then up to him to dodge and weave or catch the bullets.  The balls thrown by the players outside the circle are thrown like baseball pitches curving and breaking.

It is here we meet Jettero Heller, one of the men inside the circle playing this game.  Lombar conspires to kidnap Jettero for reasons that go unexplained but we are led to believe it has something to do with a timetable which is why Lombar is so (bleeped) at Soltan.  Although Jettero is described as some kind of superman Lombar and company succeed in capturing him.

After the kidnapping Soltan rejoins Lombar in his office where he explains why he’s so (blanked) off at him.  Prior to all this Lombar gave explicit instructions for Soltan to block all reports concerning earth and he accidentally let one get through and apparently this has something to do with the elusive timetable.  Lombar invites his boss into his office and they all discuss this and thus ends chapter 6.

There you have it the beginning of Mission Earth book 1 The Invaders Plan.  I guess it could be worse but I really don’t see how.  So far I don’t think it’s too bad just really confusing and convoluted.  The numerous introductions leave a lot to be desired but at least Bullet Ball was interesting.  I’m looking forward to reading more so I can hopefully unravel the mysterious opening of this book.  Final verdict, kinda bad but not entirely unreadable.  While it is satire I haven’t found myself so much as giggling or thinking anything in particular was clever.  I give the first 6 chapters of part 1 a flat 70 D-.  It’s confusing but at least it isn’t boring(excluding the intros of course).

My next project

     Was Battlefield Earth the product of a bad screenplay or was it the product of bad directing or editing or acting or bad special effects?  Maybe it was the product of bad source material.  Maybe it was an unfaithful adaptation.  Any way you slice it it's still bad.  A few years back I was at a Barnes & Noble in Mishawaka Indiana browsing the movie/cd department when I picked up a Mystery Science Theater 3000 box set.  When I was paying for it the clerk and I got into a discussion about the show when he asked me if I'd heard of Rifftrax.  I said yeah I had seen the Battlefield Earth riff.  He cut me off at the end of that sentence and told me that was the only movie he'd ever walked out of.
    
     I never understood why people hated this movie so much.  I always figured it was because it had L. Ron Hubbard's name attached to it.  I actually enjoyed the movie for all it quirkiness.  Probably for the same reasons people love Plan 9 From Outer Space.  Battlefield Earth is bad and I recognize that but to me it's still very entertaining and very original.  I can honestly say I have never seen a movie quite like this and whether good or bad I usually applaud originality.

    Out of curiosity I've always wanted to read Battlefield Earth just to see if the book is as bad as the movie.  Now I've seen movies knowing they were going to be bad however I've never read a book, played a video game, or listened to a cd knowing it would be bad.  Don't get me wrong I have been sorely disappointed with all these mediums.  With movies it's so much easier because you don't have as much time or effort invested if it turns out to be bad but a boring or poorly written book is by far harder to suffer through.  Usually it ends with me just putting the book down and never picking it up again.

     Hubbard's reputation as a writer seems based entirely on the subject's bias of him.  People who don't like him seem to think he's a hack(most of which I'm sure have never so much as read a paragraph from any of his books).  I suggest you go to amazon and look up an L. Ron Hubbard book, any book will do, and just click on the 5 star ratings.  Some might be legitimate but a great deal are congratulatory to a delusional degree.  L. Ron's books would skyrocket to the top of the bestseller's list after their releases and it's widely believed that members of the church of scientology were told to buy as many as they could.

     At any rate I decided to skip reading Battlefield Earth feeling that my knowledge of the movie would spoil the book.  My interest in reading Mission Earth can be summed up by these two passages from the wiki page for Mission Earth:

"he becomes a prisoner of two man-hating lesbians (who end up marrying Gris after he rapes them and thereby "cures" them of their lesbianism, but not before various ingenious tortures, one of which involve a cheese grater and chili powder"

"that keeps the population of Earth under control by using drugs and rock and roll music to keep the population sedate. (Rock music is used in the novel to spread sexual deviancy, especially homosexuality, among the population of Earth.)" 

     As strange as it sounds I just can't resist the urge to read a book(written by the leader of religious organization no less) that claims rape can cure homosexuality(if that's the case can it cause it too?) and rock music is contributing to decline of society like some curmudgeon old man bitching about Elvis and the slutty way women dress anymore.   From what we know of the man it seems less like social satire and more like a dark journey into the psyche of an antisocial egomaniac and that's why this book appealed to me.  Not to mention my hope that this will one day become an even worse movie than Battlefield Earth.

     As I delve deeper into this book I'm going to try my best to give it a fair review and not let any preconceived notions of Hubbard or Scientology sway how I feel about it.  Who knows I may even like it.

 

I got this from a secondhand book store and it's obvious by the creases in the spine that at least one of the previous owners read it front to back.  I can only help but wonder if they were a scientologist or just a fan of sci fi.