Below the Crypt lies Death's waiting room The Vault of Horror
Seeing as this is the last Amicus movie I'm going to be reviewing this month I've decided to change the format of my synopsis. Honestly I wish this idea came to me from the beginning.
Segment 1 Midnight Mess: A man hires a private detective in order to find his long lost sister. It turns out she lives in a strange town where there have been 17 disappearances and no one goes outside for fear of "them".
Segment 2 The Neat Job: An aging life-long bachelor marries the daughter of a colleague, unaccustomed to sharing space with someone he goes balistic whenever something is out of place. His wife lives in terror every time the husband comes home trying desperately to get any misplaced items back into place.
Segment 3 This Trick'll Kill You: A husband and wife magician team visit India in order to find new tricks for their acts. They come across a street performer who is able to erect a rope strong enough to climb up using a magic flute. The husband offers to pay the performer for this trick but she refuses.
Segment 4 Bargain in Death: A failing author plans to fake his own death so his best friend can collect the insurance money but he isn't expecting his friend to betray him and leave him for dead in his own coffin.
Segment 5 Drawn and Quartered: A struggling artist living in Haiti finds out he was cheated by his associates into believing his paintings are worthless while they're making a fortune off them. He visits a voodoo priest to get revenge and now whatever he paints becomes real.
Once again we start off with a dud but this one isn't nearly as bad as "And All Through the House". Just like that one this one was remade for the Tales From the Crypt series. This segment is not too bad and unlike "All Through..." I don't feel the need to skip it when I watch the movie. Perhaps I'm biased because the later episode is one my favorites from Tales From the Crypt. In "Mournin Mess" the monsters are ghouls instead of vampires as they are here. The makeup was done a heck of a lot better too. The goofy prosthetic teeth the vampires are given look like they're barely being held in their mouths. They look more like walruses than vampires and I can't help but chuckle every time they're revealed in the end. Even though I don't particularly like this segment I gotta give it up to them for casting real life brother and sister Daniel and Anna Massey as movie siblings. I love it when movies do that. From Beyond the Grave did something similar with Donald and Angela Pleasence.
The Vault of Horror Segment 1 Midnight Mess
Tales From the Crypt S03 Ep10 Mournin Mess
Which do you find more terrifying?
I love this next segment. I don't know if we're meant to sympathize more with the wife who can't seem to do anything right or the overbearing husband who berates his wife over silly things like forgetting to put spaghetti sauce on the shopping list. Honestly I sympathize with both. I tend to go batshit when someone moves or borrows something of mine without telling me but at the same time I can understand trying to do your best to please someone who seems impossible. Unlike its HBO counterpart I like this one way more. The HBO one featured a career driven husband forced into retirement who neglected his wife for their entire marriage and since they never had kids she became the world's most eccentric cat lady. In that one you tend to sympathize more with the husband because the wife is so nutty and unreasonable. However, in this version its the husband who is an unreasonable bully. Two versions of the same story, both different, but one is way better.
I don't have a whole lot to say about the rest of the movie except that Drawn and Quartered is my favorite segment. Its more creative and inspired (even though it pays homage to The Picture of Dorian Grey) than the rest and its sense of ironic retribution is reminiscent of the comic books. Although I haven't seen all the Amicus horror flicks this remains my favorite. 90/100
Tales From the Crypt is another anthology film from Amicus Productions. Each of the segments are based off stories from the old EC Comics of the same name, as well as The Vault of Horror and Haunt of Fear(the Tales From the Crypt TV show did the same thing). The first segment, "And All Through the House, features a woman who kills her husband on Christmas eve only to be stalked by a murderous psychopath dressed as Santa Claus. The second segment, "Reflections of Death", is about a man who is leaving his wife for his mistress but gets in a car crash. When he wakes up no one seems to recognize him. The third segment, "Poetic Justice", is about a man who does his best to drive the neighborhood widower to commit suicide and succeeds. "Wish You Were Here" is Tale From the Crypt's macabre take on The Monkey's Paw. Our final segment is titled "Blind Alleys", a former Army Sergeant takes over a home for the blind and his negligence, callousness, and selfishness causes the tenants to capture and put him in an elaborate death trap.
This is one of the weaker Amicus flicks I've seen. The movie starts off with a story I don't like here, in the comic, or even as the second episode of the HBO series. This version I'd say is the worst. The TV version gives us a little more insight into why this woman just decides to kill her husband but here we're not given so much as a motive other than insurance money. The guy even seems kind of nice as he's placing a present under the tree to"the best wife in the world". I guess its even more disappointing that I usually love stories where horrific things happen on the happiest day of the year.
The rest of the movie is pretty good and I have a hard time picking out which segment I like best out of what remains. If I had to pick one I'd have to say its Blind Alleys. This is another one that shows up in the HBO series but I think Amicus' version is much better. The actor who plays the lead blind man is just so good! I don't know if he really was blind but he pulls it off excellently, he's also really menacing when it comes time to punish the Sergeant.
Peter Cushing shows up again as the widower in Poetic Justice. Its all the more tragic that at the time this movie was filmed Cushing lost his wife in real life and wanted to play this part so much he was willing to take a pay cut. I suppose this was a form a therapy for him. I really liked this segment and its mostly because of Cushing. I'd say most people recognize him as Grand Moff Tarkin from the first Star Wars movie, or as Frankenstein in the Hammer Frankenstein films where he pretty much plays an asshole, for the savvy they may even recognize him as the famous vampire hunter Van Helsing. Regardless all these characters have one thing in common, they're all strong or in charge characters. What I like so much about this one is its so against type for Cushing. He's really sad, sympathetic and vulnerable in this role and it may be my favorite because of that.
Despite All Through the House this is a pretty solid movie and since its the first segment I reckon you could just press skip and not have to worry about it. The stories aren't at creepy and atmospheric as From Beyond the Grave, just like the stories they are based on they took a more visceral approach with this one. I find it perplexing that they used the title Tales From the Crypt but mentions the Vault of Horror in the tagline. The Vault of Horror was the next anthology Amicus released but were they going to use a different title for that or was it all just one big marketing screw up? The Crypt Keeper makes in appearance (as he appeared in the comics not like the undead ghoul of the show) in this movie and is credited as the Crypt Keeper but is he really The Vault Keeper? The Vault Keeper isn't in the next movie but was the Crypt Keeper suppose to reprise his role in that one? It raises many questions that only an obsessed fan would ask. Even though I don't like the first one 4 out of 5 segments is still pretty good 83/100.
EC's Crypt Keeper
Amicus' Crypt Keeper
HBO's Crypt Keeper. CK's had more faces than Michael Jackson.
From Beyond the Grave is an anthology of 4 stories written by British author R. Chetwynd-Hayes connected by use of an antique shop. The stories include The Gate Crasher about a man who purchases a mirror at the shop that is a portal to underworld, An Act of Kindness about an unhappily family man who befriends a veteran and his daughter, The Elemental about a man who has a chance meeting with a medium who tells him he's got a demon on his shoulder, and The Door about a man who purchases an ornate door for his home and finds out the door opens to another dimension.
Amicus Productions released several anthology horror films during the 70's and in my opinion this is the best, not to say that the others are lacking in any way. From Beyond the Grave has this rather nasty and gloomy atmosphere that affects me more than the jump scares or visceral horror of today. My favorite segment is The Gate Crasher which is very similar to Julia's plot in Hellraiser. It involves a man who buys an antique mirror and a spirit who requires blood in order to return to the land of the living. My least favorite segment is The Elemental. Its like a lot of segments in anthology movies meant to lighten the mood with a comedic twist. Its not bad and I don't skip it when watching the movie but at the same time its still a weak link.
I find it amusing that Donald and Angela Pleasence are playing father and daughter in this movie. I always love it when they do this in movies This is my first time seeing her. Heck I didn't even know he had a daughter. She looks exactly like him too and I can't help but find her attractive. This raises all kinds of troubling questions about my sexuality like do I really want to sleep with Donald Pleasence.
Amicus seemed to be picking up where Hammer Films left off by leading the way in the field of British horror. I feel like anyone who's a fan of the Hammer films is also going to be a fan of Amicus largely because they employed a lot of the same actors(Christopher Lee, Ingrid Pitt, Peter Cushing). The characters are well developed, its well acted, and the stories are spooky. I honestly can't think of a better movie to watch for Halloween. 90/100
It sure has been a long time since I posted anything here but I saw a movie last night that really got me thinking. I didn't even seek this one out or hear about it from word of mouth, in fact I just watched it on a whim. I may very well be the last person to view and record vhs tapes. This was as true back in the early 2000's as it is now. The night I recorded Red Dragon on Encore was a very unusual night. Having used the vhs format for so long I understood how viable blanks were after repeat viewings and recordings so I was usually pretty careful about not falling asleep while recording something. This night was different however and I accidentally ended up recording all of Encore's programming that night. It included Red Dragon, Opposing Force, Superfly, with a repeat showing of Red Dragon. Can you imagine some weird insomniac staying up all night and watching these movies one after another? Actually it kinda sounds like fun to me.
Opposing Force - 1986
"In Hell Camp you are an animal... to be broken, lied to, humiliated and violated."
A group of soldiers are taking part in a combat training exercise. One by one they get captured and find out the point of the exercise wasn't combat training but preparing them for the physical and psychological abuses of POW camps. The commanding officer goes over the edge while torturing one of the prisoners and they escape. He then hunts them down actively trying to kill them.
In many ways Opposing Force is ahead of its time. The lead character in the movie is a female soldier who enters the program in order to get combat certified even though women are still not approved for combat in the military. And this is a struggle that continues in real life to this day. At one point she's even waterboarded and most of us didn't even know what that was until the Bush administration. I expected a majority of the movie to consist of the commandant chasing and killing the prisoners but the movie tends to center more around the camp and the tactics used there. I was pleasantly surprised by this because I thought it was going to be another ridiculous 80's action flick. The mental and physical torture adds a lot of depth, making a statement rather than just entertainment.
The acting in Opposing Force is pretty solid. Soon after their capture the prisoners get paranoid, turn on one another, and unsuccessfully try to escape. The conditions and torture (not to mention the use of live rounds) at the camp makes you believe they're doing this for real rather than simulating it. The most powerful preformence goes to Tom Skerrit when he finds out the commandant raped Lieutenant Casey. He flips out, starts screaming, and demands to end the training and take command himself. The commandant himself is pretty menacing but doesn't push it over the top when he loses it.
I give this an 86/100. The only thing that disappointed me was how abruptly it ended. It feels like the chase should have lasted longer but they didn't have enough money or something ended up on the cutting room floor. The ending itself wasn't particularly good either but everything leading up to it was great. I'd definitely recommend this movie.
Once again I feel the need to remind you (you the reader I mean) that this isn't merely a list of media released in 2013 that I did or didn't enjoy but a list of all the media both past and present that I was exposed to this year that I did or did not enjoy this year.
Intronaut - Habitual Levitations
I don't know how Intronaut was able to top their last album but somehow they did. I'm not one of those people who sings along with my music but this album has me doing just that. I can't say I know exactly what the lyrics mean but sometimes it's not what they are singing about but how they're singing them. Habitual Levitations isn't just one of my favorite heavy metal albums but one of my favorite albums period. I'd have to say my favorite thing about this band is they're not of those bands that hop on stage and bang their heads for 40 minutes. Intronaut are professionals who take the time to play their instruments and play them right. They're mature musicians who make music for a mature audience.
Last year I claimed "Valley of Smoke" was a concept album I just didn't know what the concept was. While I'm still in the dark as far as the lyrics go I can only assume "Habitual Levitations (Instilling Words With Tones)" has a more personal meaning. The opening track is "Killing Birds with Stones" which I believe might be a reference to the old phrase killing two birds with one stone. "Does the day keep you up at night" is sung a few times throughout the song and while I can't say I'm very good at deciphering lyrics I believe it might have something to do with the passage of time. The next song is called "The Welding" and it quickly reminded me of some of the songs off their last album and because of that it became a favorite of mine. With a few exceptions the music on this album isn't nearly aggressive as is predecessor but "The Welding" is one of those exceptions. "Steps" is another departure from the overall gloom and angst the rest of the album. "A Sore Sight for Eyes" continues the philosophical (and another reference to an old saying) angle by stating "we're always afraid we're never alone". Once again I'm not exactly sure what the lyrics are alluding to (if you're upset I got something wrong you can always post in the comments to correct me) but the title and that one line seem to suggest that an Orwellian paranoia but the rest of the lyrics almost sound post apocalyptic. I guess Intronaut is counting on hiding secrets in their lyrics that their fans can't possibly decode.
Without going much further I'd just like to say I really enjoy this album and of all the things I review on this best of list I recommend this the most especially if you've never heard of the band. This is a great introduction. The music is dreamy and almost psychedelic. It reminds me a lot of early 90's sludge and doom acts like Anathema, Acid Bath, and Juicifer.
Meshuggah - Koloss
This is the first Meshuggah album I've been able to listen to from start to finish. They're not a bad band but their music can be extremely repetitive. There are some Meshuggah songs that I swear they wrote an 8 second song and just looped it. Where I think just about anybody can enjoy Intronaut's latest album "Koloss" is not an album someone who's not into metal could listen to. It's loud, aggressive, angry, and fast which isn't a departure from Meshuggah's earlier efforts. It just seems to me like the band are getting better and more coherent with each album. Other than that I don't have as much to say about this album, just that if you're Meshuggah fan you'll like it, if not just avoid it.
Sara Bareilles - Brave
I wouldn't say this is typically my kind of music so I'm not sure how to categorize it. I'm most comfortable with the term pop. I'd say a large chunk of the music I listen to is angry, loud, sad, slow, and often deals with themes of inner turmoil, paranoia, confusion, suicide, drugs, unrequited love, death, mourning, loss, religion, satanism, violence, sex, and medieval fantasy. Let me tell ya the world ain't a pretty place and my musical interests reflect that. But every now and then I enjoy a good tune with a positive message. I even like the music video that has a bunch of people dancing around in public. I've never heard of this artist and while I think its a good song with a great message I'm not likely to follow her career beyond this one song... or at least I'm not planning on it but if she releases more singles that are as catchy as this one you might see her name on this list next year.
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Wanz - Thrift Shop
I don't listen to rap or hip-hop, at least not anymore. The genre used to be about the struggles of the lower class and cautionary tales of gang life and crime, now it seems to be dominated by personalities rather than subjects. I can't say I'm all that interested in some untalented doof going on about the latest dance craze or his expensive clothes or cars or his sexual prowess. Hopefully rap is moving away from these trends but I won't hold my breath. Instead we have Macklemore rising to fame in a song about buying secondhand clothes and merchandise. Throughout the song he merely states this as a preference rather than criticizing others fashion sense except in a few lines where he states: " $50 for a t-shirt that just some ignorant bitch shit. I call that getting swindled and pimped. I call that getting tricked by a bizniss." I can't say the music does much for me but sometimes it's not how a song sounds but what it represents.
Lorde - Royals
I don't typically like teen acts because well... we have Britney Spears, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson. Aside from sucking hard all these acts have something in common; at the time they were introduced their music revolved around lyrics that had absolutely no depth or artistic direction. There are five of these shallow overblown manufactured acts for every Jewel or in this case Lorde. Hopefully Lorde doesn't burn out like these other acts or in some cases go completely insane or use sex appeal to a bombastic degree. The song is similar to Macklemore's in theme but while he simply states its his preference to wear old tattered clothes he unearthed at a goodwill Lorde goes on about how popular songs are defined by morons bragging about their expensive cars and the excessive lifestyles their fame and fortune has afforded them. The music itself is just okay. Lorde seems to be doing that smoky lounge thing that's becoming more popular. The video is a little hard to follow. It looks like a couple of buddies starting a fight club while Lorde sings in an empty room.
One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest by Ken Kesey
A long time ago I had a girlfriend who was wrong about a great many things, the one thing she may have been right about was saying the movie based off this book was really good. Since then I've been meaning to pick up a copy of the book but I always seemed to be blowing my book budget on something else. While I was reading this I described it to someone as the best book I had ever read. I enjoyed every moment reading this book from page one to the very last page. My opinion has not swayed at all in the months since finishing it. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" is an amazing book and I highly recommend it.
Endymion by Dan Simmons
Now that I've had some time to reflect on it I can say that this series previous entry"The Fall of Hyperion" was a disappointment, a minor one but a disappointing read nonetheless. I'd say the biggest improvement is how little this book relies on John Keats fanfare. The title character is charged with murder and sentenced to execution but is rescued and given a choice to embark on a mission to save a young girl and help her fulfill a prophecy or resign himself to capture and execution. "Endymion" uses less of the sci fi prose found in the last two books and is more of an action adventure novel. The book tends to drag a little towards the end but I find it difficult to complain about a book's length when I enjoy as much as I did this one.
Pitch Perfect - 2012
I almost don't want to admit I loved this movie. In fact I wouldn't have seen it at all if not for my brother (who also unwilling admits that this is a guilty pleasure for him) after his 10th viewing of the movie urged me to see it. So what's the problem with it? Well the movie follows a young woman enrolling at a college where all her classmates are obsessed with a copella singing, there's a romantic subplot, and the climax revolves around a national collegiate singing competition. This is obviously the plot description of what is common referred to as the "chick flick". There's nothing particularly wrong with this genre, its just one I tend to avoid. I'd say this movie doesn't easily fit into that mold. Most chick flicks tend to focus on the romance or dissolve of romance between the two romantic leads but the romance in "Pitch Perfect" takes a backseat to the rest of the things happening. As far as chick flicks go this reminds me more of movies like "Bring It On" or "Drop Dead Gorgeous" or "Step Up" or anything that revolves around a big contest during it climax. Its a pretty good flick with a great soundtrack and is oddly entertaining.
The Wolverine - 2013
You don't need to have seen any of the X-Men movies or "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" to enjoy this movie. In fact it might be better just to disregard them entirely. By the beginning credit this movie has it predecessor beat... and the credits are nothing special but then again so was the last Wolverine movie. If you've ever wondered what Wolverine would be like if it were more like the 1960's Batman tv show then "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" is the movie for you. This movie takes a more serious look at Weapon X. I'd say what impressed me the most is how far the action and fight scenes stretched the PG-13 rating. I tend to avoid movies with this rating mostly because I'd rather get as much content as possible and most PG-13 films seem like they strive too hard to be a neutered R rated movie, but that really doesn't bother me as much in this movie.
THE WORST MUSIC,
MOVIES, AND BOOKS OF 2013
Thankfully I wasn't exposed to as much bad media this year as I was last year but not for lack of trying I still experienced some losers.
Man of Steel - 2013
How is it that a 35 year old movie can still be better than any modern day reboot?! I'm starting to think the best thing to happen to the Last Son of Krypton in the last 20 years is dying. "Man of Steel" is plodding, boring, has meaningless action sequences that go nowhere, and is filled with more flashbacks than the average episode of "Lost". The last thing we needed from another super hero franchise is an origin story but the film makers thought they were being original and clever by changing up an established franchise and they couldn't have been more wrong. While I did like the new twist on Superman's back story it just seemed like it took way to long getting to its point. It had good ideas but executed them very poorly. I can only imagine that Russel Crowe demanded that he have a certain amount of screen time when they casted him because the beginning sequence of the movie took way way too long. I think in the original "Superman" it only took 10-15 minutes from Krypton to when Clark Kent is a man and fighting crime in Metropolis. I'm also tired of super hero movies where the characters don't do anything heroic. Isn't Superman supposed to be foiling bank robberies and swooping in to save children before they get run over by cars? There are some instances of this but they are few and far between and sandwhiched between long scenes of padding. And oh boy the action sequences. God they're terrible! A lot of the time they are just way too long and the wholesale destruction caused by these fights is insulting. I suppose they thought their audience's needed a crumbling building or explosion every few minutes just to keep their attention. This is one of the worst movies I've seen in the theater since "Sucker Punch". Thanks Zack Snyder!
Its a disappointing movie at best but I think my hatred of this movie can be summed up with one line.
"What are you smiling about, captain?" "Nothing sir... I just think he's kinda hot."
UGH! It was stupid in the trailers and it was even worse in the movie.
A Good Day to Die Hard - 2013
I have never seen a series fall so hard so fast as "Die Hard". I didn't even take much issue with the last installment but this one is just plain terrible. The action is so over the top I'm sure if you hadn't seen any of the other "Die Hard" films you'd probably think the series was adapted from a cartoon.
This time John McClane takes a backseat in his own movie. The plot really revolves around his son Jack McClane who's gone missing and John McClane senior (for those of you who don't know Jack is a variation of John... I don't know why either) runs off to Russia to find him. As it turns out Jack is in the C.I.A. and is on a mission to obtain a cryptic file that has information on a local mob boss. The plot is both crazy and stupid since the C.I.A. doesn't seem to know what's really on this file or whether or not it exists. I'd say this movie is all style and no substance but it doesn't have either. The dialogue is painfully bad as is all the banter between father and son. The action is just boring. Maybe its just me but I feel like you have to have some idea of what's going on rather than have a bunch of pointless explosions and car crashes. Yes an action movie must at least have some sibilance of depth or otherwise its just stuff happening for an hour and a half. This does for "Die Hard" what "Batman & Robin" did for Batman and I wouldn't be surprised if it killed off the franchise. Unlike Batman I hope this one doesn't get revived because I can only see worse things coming.
Expendables 2 - 2012
I have one question, WHAT HAPPENED?! Even with the cgi blood in the first one I loved it but hard pressed as I am I just can't say anything good about this movie. So I had a movie night to catch up on some movies I really wanted to see but missed while they were in the theaters so I watched this back to back with "A Good Day to Die Hard". I like to call this experiment Night of the Living McGuffins!(MacGuffin@WikiMacGuffin@TVTropes). The MacGuffin in our previous movie was obviously the file that no one felt like explaining until the end of the flick, in this one its a laptop in a crashed plain that Stallone and his buddies help recover. Its been a while and I only saw it once but I don't think the information on this laptop is ever revealed. Like "Die Hard" they have a bunch of bad guys running after it trying to get their hands on it. What it is or why they want it is anybody's guess. The movie is also jam packed with unnecessary cameos. Chuck Norris comes in kills people, blows up stuff, and leaves. Liam Hemsworth is in this movie just long enough to get killed making you wonder why he was in it in the first place. Bruce Willis and Arnold Swarzenegger prove why their roles were so small in the first movie. But I must say I was impressed by Jean-Claude Van Damme as the villain. Same goes for Dolph Lundgren but I think he makes most bad movies at least passable. Out of all the action veterans in this movie I've always been a big Lundgren and Van Damme fan but especially in "Universal Soldier". Even with the great cast this is kind of a lame movie. Hopefully they make improvements with the next film.
Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
While I've only read 3 out of the 4 Twilight books I'm hard pressed to choose which was my least favorite. They're all bad but "Breaking Dawn" is not the worst. I seemed to have the most trouble reading "Eclipse" which was boring as hell, and yeah this one's a little boring too but I didn't struggle as much reading it. I don't have much else to say about it that I haven't already said. If you want to see my extended review you can read it here: Breaking Dawn Review and here's the condensed version: condensed version
World War Z
The best thing I can say about "World War Z" is its not the worst movie on this list. Its not even one of the worst zombie movies I've seen but its still pretty bad. It is one of the worst PG-13 zombie movies I've seen but that isn't exactly a very deep well to draw from.
The movie starts out with the perfect 50's family. Gerry (played by Brad Pitt) is pretty, has a pretty wife, and two pretty daughters. The movie makes it clear that they are unimportant by not given any of them names. I think this movie would be a little better if Gerry was just a bachelor since the family scenes tend to take you away from the more important things happening, plus his daughters are really freaking annoying. They spend the first act running around, crying, and screaming. His older daughter (I like to refer to her as lil big red, their mom big red, and the baby lil red) has asthma and is gasping for air in one scene and is running around in a supermarket in the next. Gerry dumps the wife and kids off on an aircraft carrier while he runs off to find out how this all started. He goes to South Korea and then off to Israel and finally to Scotland. Revelations are made and he comes up with a way to fool the zombies.
There are so many ugly problems with this crappy zombie movie. First and foremost is the PG-13 rating. Every time something bloody or violent is about to happen the camera pans away from it. It gets really distracting and takes you out of the movie. The next biggest thing is the zombies themselves. They are unlike any zombies you have ever seen or read about and its not a good thing. These zombies don't make sense. I realize that zombies in general don't make sense but from a fictional standpoint these make even less. For reasons that are unclear the zombies avoid sick people... well they explain it but its not a very good reason. They're attracted to noise so I can only assume they still have their senses but how the hell are they able to tell if someone is sick or not? Besides aren't we all sick anyway? Human beings are incubators for dormant viruses. They also just run up to people, bite, then leave. They don't chew or feed or anything. These are the whimpiest zombies I've ever seen on film. If you can call these zombies you can all the sensitive, effeminate, moral authorities from "Twilight" vampires. I think the biggest problem with this movie is the time and setting. In every good zombie flick I've ever seen the monsters just show up. I can't honestly say I care why the zombie apocalypse happened so much as everyone's reaction to it. I think that's why I like the original "Dawn of the Dead" so much. And since this is a zombie apocalypse I can't imagine why everyone is so helpful to Brad Pitt and his family. There's a druggie thug in a hoodie with a handgun in a pharmacy that locates and gives Pitt exactly what he needs for his daughter and later they break into an apartment building and a helpful latino family welcomes them into their home and gives Pitt and his family food and drinks. And ya wanna know what happens right after this lovely immigrant family takes in Brad Pitt? All but the little boy get devoured by zombies. In fact beside his family and an Israeli soldier everyone who comes in contact with guy dies a nasty death. Lastly its hard to get excited about this blockbuster when the cast are underacting and wooden. It seems like a small nit pick but I hated the score too. The score utilizes what I like to refer to as dub step fart sounds which seem to get more and more popular in movies.
Taylor Swift - 22
If you've been watching this blog then you might agree that I have a way with words. If I don't like something, if it rubs me the wrong way, or I disagree with it, I often find something constructive to say about why I don't like it or what I felt was wrong with it. The only thing I can come up with for Taylor Swift's 22 is... I think its tremendously stupid and it is the worst pop song I have ever heard. Taylor Swift was born on December 13, 1989. Why I'm telling you this should be painfully obvious. It means for most of 2013 she was 23 years old. The chorus of the song goes "I don't know about you but I'm feeling 22". I don't suppose its hard to feel like you're 22 when it was only a year ago. Wonder if she's still going to feel 22 when she's 50. I dunno know about you but I feel like I'm 32 and ya know why? Because that's exactly how freakin old I am! Sometimes I feel rundown, drunk, tired, hungover, bloated, and depressed... come to think of it that was mostly how I felt 10 years ago. I light a candle each year on my birthday for my wasted youth. But here's another exert from these brilliant lyrics:
It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight To fall in love with strangers
We're happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time
It's miserable and magical.
Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines
It's time
Let's add insult to injury here, this song is not only stupid but dull as hell. This is what Taylor Swift is doing at 22?! I'd hate to say but I pity Taylor Swift especially when I think about what I was up to at 22, getting drunk, going to concerts every week, and occasionally having sex or a one night stand. "22" would probably be more interesting as a song and a theme if it featured the average American college student who's just trying to make ends meet and stay awake in class after having to pull a double shift so he/she can afford tuition and expenses and will no doubt drop out and spend a lifetime in irredeemable debt from his/her college loans. Holy shit I think I just wrote a better song than Taylor Swift... and it wasn't even that hard... and it had absolutely nothing to with my EXES!
Taylor Swift - I Knew You Were Trouble
Last year I spent my early morning hours watching music videos on MTV or VH1 while I read or relaxed. So I saw this video plenty of times. To be perfectly clear I don't hate this song but I do really hate the video. I think its too ambitious which isn't necessarily a bad thing in most cases but in "I Knew You Were Trouble's" case the video was trying very hard to be more poetic and have deeper meaning than a song where Taylor Swift yet again disses an ex-boyfriend. The story the video tries to tell (sell) is difficult to believe. I don't know who's at fault for her failed relationships. It seems like we only ever get Swift's point of view but here is a list of Taylor Swifts ex-lovers: Joe Jonus, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Conor Kennedy, and Harry Styles, none of these men sound like the kind of guy who gets into drunken barroom brawls. Two of them are in boy bands and one of them is an adult contemporary pussy. I'd say my least favorite part of the video besides being presented in widescreen to make it look more like a short movie is the 2 minutes and 5 seconds of spoken word monologue that Swift goes on about before the music starts. With lines like, "the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me." the monologue seems to suggest that Taylor Swift is solely defined by her shallow relationships with men. Is it possible for a young girl to be a male chauvinist?
Fallout Boy - My Songs Know What You Did In the Dark (Light Em Up)
Taylor Swift sucks but this song, this one song somehow managed to be worse and more annoying (but at least less stupid) than anything Swift released this year. I'm not a person who listens to the radio very often but every time EVERY FUCKING TIME I turned on the radio I heard this song and guess what? It sucked the first time and got progressively worse each time. I'm not sure I could adequately describe the bile that fills in my throat every time I hear that obnoxious pitch shift in the vocals during the hook.
Evil Dead - 2013
FUCK! I want to say this was the worst movie I saw last year but I can't lie like that. It wasn't the worst but even the movies I had high hopes for didn't piss me off as much as this one did. There are two kinds of remakes, the ones that are exactly like the original, and the ones that aren't and just make shit up as they go along. Guess which category this remake falls under? I wasn't expecting the same exact movie but I wasn't expecting this either. Rationally I didn't think "Evil Dead" was going to be any good but I was hoping I was wrong. For my full review on "Evil Dead" go here: Evil Dead 2013
Any Verizon commercial this year... OR ANY YEAR!
Let me state right here and now I own a tracfone. My primary phone is a disposable phone. I do not nor have I ever owned a cell phone or smart phone and you wanna know why? Well many reasons really the biggest being my unwillingness to sign a contract. The only people I think should sign contracts are lawyers, business people, and anyone getting a prenuptial agreement. The other reason is just not being important enough to need to use a cell phone. I have no friends and the only people I talk to or text message on a regular basis is my family, and if I lose a call or one is dropped who cares, I'll talk to them again eventually and crappy service or a dying, unreliable battery gives me an excuse to get off the phone with them. In the unlikely event that one of my family members is reading this right now I would like to take this time to apologize for using that excuse in the past but uhhhh don't expect me to stop using it.
I'm starting to come to the revelation that as far as their commercials go Verizon is the GEICO of cell phone companies. Every ad, every mother fucking ad, is obnoxious, irritating, annoying, and downright insulting, and its often aimed at their target consumer in affect calling you a moron for not indulging them. Oh yeah and they brought back that stupid coverage map campaign. Look at our maps, look at the pretty colors, look how much they differ from our competitors. You know that company? The one you've been perfectly content with up until now? These commercials feature a group of people looking at cell phone coverage maps and deciding which is better. They claim these are real people and not actors. Forgive me for being cynical here but I'm not buying it, literally and figuratively. Any time you're being showed a commercial you are being lied to. Advertising is at its core deceptive and if you don't believe me let me know if that big mac or whopper you saw on tv or on a billboard was the one you ordered. It seems like a perfect motive to lie right? To get your money. I'd lie if you paid me enough and I'm sure I'd get really good at it in time. So you probably shouldn't believe it when a commercial says these are real people not actors. Let's not forget the fact that they were probably offered something to be in the commercial so they might as well be. Just like actors they're being paid to endorse a product but somehow this is a lot more dishonest. Oh and you probably shouldn't take their coverage maps too seriously either. Ya wanna know why? Who do ya think did the research for that? I'll give you a hint it was the same people who made this commercial and wants your business.
Its the new year and if you're anything like me... well you're probably very hungover right now but other than that you're also busy watching SyFy's Twilight Zone marathon. I can't tell you how many years I've been continuing this tradition but I can tell you the first year I started showing an interest in the show I got plenty of blank tapes to record it and for further viewings I made sure to edit the commercials out. In no particular order here are my favorite "Twilight Zone" episodes.
Season 3 Episode 10 - The Midnight Sun
The world is moving closer to the sun and the days are getting hotter and longer. The sun no longer sets. Running water and gasoline are scarce and normal people are willing to resort to robbery to get the nourishment to sustain them for another day.
Why is this a favorite: I remember seeing this for the first time during my first New Year's Marathon. After I recorded it I watched it over and over. It became an instant favorite. There's not much going on here but I find the idea, the dialogue, and twist interesting even if none of it makes much sense. If one side of the earth is always daylight that means another side is always dark and areas closest to the dark side would be quite comfortable. Of course it also means that one side of the earth would be frozen and I'm sure that would cause some unusual environmental changes that would probably make the heat the least of your concerns.
Season 3 Episode 14 - Five Characters In Search of an Exit
Five very different people wake up in a pit with no idea who they are or how they got there. Why is this a favorite: Each episode of "The Twilight Zone" has its own atmosphere and this one is pure unrelenting dread and doom. If I had to choose I'd say this is my favorite of my favorite episodes. Originally what appealed to me was the mystery, who are these people, where are they, how did they get there, and what's with that loud clanging bell?
Season 3 Episode 37 - The Changing of the Guard
A disenfranchised professor at a private school for boys is being forced to retire. He loves teaching and when retirement is thrust upon him he contemplates suicide. He ponders whether he or his teachings have ever had an impact on his students. The validation we all crave in life is given to him by the spirits of his former students. After this visit he is given a new lease on life.
Why is this a favorite: I'm not a big fan of the more sentimental episodes and this one fits smugly in that category. Whereas the other sentimental episodes fell flat with me this one speaks to me. I find I have a difficult time watching it and not being moved to tears.
Season 3 Episode 24 - To Serve Man
Aliens land on earth and give humans the devices to end war and famine. They ask nothing in return but do they really have earth's best interests in mind?
Why is this a favorite: This is probably one of the most famous and well recognized Twilight Zone episodes. It has been parodied more times than any other episode. It also happens to be one the first ones I remember watching as a child. "To Serve Man" exemplifies what the "Twilight Zone" embodies and that is revealing an unexpected twist. Aliens land on earth promising an end to famine and disease and if you've been watching this long you know they have ulterior motives.
Season 3 Episode 27 - Person or Persons Unknown
A man wakes up only to find that everyone he knows in life claims he is not who he says he is.
Why is this a favorite: This episode explores a sense of self and identity. The main character claims he's someone everyone else insists does not exist regardless of the fact that everyone in his life are still there but just don't know who he is. As odd as it may sound I empathize with him. The main character is essentially no one and has no past. I can't imagine how frightening a nightmare that might be.
Season 1 Episode 5 - Walking Distance
A man goes to the small town he grew up in to escape the pressures of the big city and finds the town and the people haven't changed in 25 years.
Why is this a favorite: There's a tinge of almost venomous nostalgia present in this episode that I think most of us can relate to. The moral of this story brings to light an old adage, you can't go home again.
Season 2 Episode 29 - The Obsolete Man
In a futuristic society a tribunal decides whether or not you are useful to the collective. If you are found obsolete you are to be put to death in the manner of your choosing.
Why is this a favorite: Burgess Meredith appeared on several episodes of the "Twilight Zone" and I could have picked any one of them but this one resonates with me more than the others. His performance here is outstanding and the story is compelling. I think it says a little something about how we value life and our place in society. I should also note while Meredith did a great job Fritz Weaver stands out as well as the chancellor.
Season 1 Episode 30 - A Stop At Willoughby
The pressures of his stressful job causes a man to have dreams about a turn of the century town where things are simpler and you can slow down and enjoy life.
Why is this a favorite: This is a great episode with a great twist that if anyone says they saw it coming are most likely lying.
Season 2 Episode 26 - Shadow Play
A man on death row reveals he's a prisoner of his own unconscious mind.
Why is this a favorite: This is a great concept and it's orchestrated very well. Its tense and you're not sure what to believe. Either this guy is insane or the whole world is a fantasy. Either way I'm sure we've all had a dream where we were in mortal danger or were falling or getting injured and it felt so real we were almost convinced it wasn't a dream.
Season 2 Episode 6 - Eye of the Beholder
A woman is undergoing plastic surgeries sponsored by the state in order to correct her facial deformities so she'll fit in with everyone else. It is her last surgery and if there's no change she must choose to either live among other freaks or be euthanized.
Why this is a favorite: This is by and far the most conceptual episode of the "Twilight Zone". For obvious reasons everybody is either silhouetted in shadows or obscured by objects. Season 2 Episode 28 - Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up
An unidentified flying object is reported flying and crashing. Two highway patrolmen investigate and find a pair of tracks in the snow. They are lead to a nearby diner that's hosting a group of bus passengers waiting to for a bridge to be repaired. The customers at the diner are told about the UFO and each are questioned. Things get paranoid when everyone starts accusing everyone else of being an imposter.
Why is this a favorite: If you're a fan of John Carpenter's "The Thing" you'll love this episode. It explores the same themes of paranoia and confusion. The people fight over who's who and who's the odd man out. Even the married couples aren't sure their spouses are really who they say they are.
I've always wondered what exactly makes a movie a Christmas movie. If you ask my mother its those terrible stop motion flicks that became popular during the 60's. Maybe you're a bit different and enjoy classics like "Miracle on 34th Street" or "Its a Wonderful Life" The one thing I could never understand was why "The Sound of Music" was considered an appropriate Christmas movie. Sure it has nuns in it but it also has Nazis and nothing says Christmas quite like a family of singing Austrians fleeing from Nazis.
I on the other hand prefer more unconventional holiday movies. A lot of Christmas movies seem to force home a message and are sentiment heavy, as I child I didn't appreciate that and as an adult I appreciate all that sugar coating even less. In other words I tend to enjoy movies where the holiday and all its lessons about charity and good will are secondary or missing entirely. Movies that just seem to take place on Christmas. So in no particular order here are my favorite Christmas movies.
Die Hard(1988)
This should be known as the mother of all Christmas movies for guys who don't like traditional Christmas movies. Nothing about cheer, good will, gift giving, carolers, Jesus, and above all peace. Lots of people die in this and oh yes there will be blood.
It seems superfluous to describe the plot of this movie because everyone and their mother have seen it. The reason I like it is that while an action movie it deviates from every action movie released during the 80's. John McClane is a normal run of the mill cop from New York armed only with his handgun and a couple of clips of ammo. He has no special training and is thrust into this impossible situation. Unlike most action leads of the time he's vulnerable, outnumbered, and out of his element. He gets wounded and shows signs of fatigue and distress. He even has a sense of humor and personality rather than being a mindless killing machine.
Bad Santa(2003)
You should know what you're getting into with this movie just by reading the title. Billy Bob Thorton plays a cynical, foul mouthed, grumpy, alcoholic, womanizing, safe cracking mall santa who knocks over malls on the busiest shopping day of the year. Thorton is forced to stay with an introverted bullied child who believes he is the real Santa Claus.
This strange and pathetic child starts to have an effect on Willie (Thorton) and he learns the true meaning of Christmas... more or less. He's still the same person by the end of the movie but has learned a lesson all the same. One of my favorite moments of the movie is where Willie dressed in full Santa garb is shot in the back by a group of policemen while horrified children watch. You don't get that with just any Christmas movie.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation(1989)
Everybody has their favorite Vacation movie, this has always been mine. It seems to me that every movie in this series featured Clark Griswold reaching a breaking point and losing his mind. You start to feel sorry for the guy when he's put so much planning into creating the perfect vacation experience for his family and somehow something always goes catastrophically wrong.
This entry is a departure from the other films. The setting of "Christmas Vacation" takes place largely within the Griswold home instead of having them travel somewhere. The house becomes full when every member of both sides of the family decide to hold Christmas at the Griswold home. If you've ever hosted a family gathering of any kind at any time you're well aware of how stressful this can be. You have to put on a game face and act nice around family members you clearly despise. You may also be put out by trying to accommodate every person's individual needs.
On top of the stresses caused by his family Clark is also counting on a Christmas bonus that he's planning on using to install a swimming pool. When the bonus gets there and it turns out that he's been enrolled in the "Jelly of the Month Club" he goes on a tirade. The madness reaches a climax when Cousin Eddie kidnaps his boss and confronted with how the missing bonus has affected Clark and his family decides to double his last year's bonus but not before a SWAT team breaks into the house and holds the entire family at gunpoint.
The Ref(1994)
Denis Leary is a cat burglar who kidnaps a married couple who turn bickering into an olympic sport. The Griswold's have nothing on this dysfunctional family. The parents
don't speak to one another unless they are arguing, their son is
blackmailing his military school commandant, and the grandmother
complains and berates everyone and acts like a stingy loan shark to her
children. The whole experience acts as a sort of therapy bringing the
family closer together by the end of the movie. There's got be some kind of metaphoric statement to be made when a thief punches out a drunk santa. I'm starting to think maybe these movies have a personal vendetta against Saint Nick.
Go(1999)
Go is one of the more quirky movies I've put on this list. Most of theses have themes of Christmas but this one might just as well take place during any other time. Christmas is mentioned a few times and there's a rave with a Christmas theme but just about everything else involving the holiday is devoid. The movie is about 4 loosely connected short stories involving a group of grocery store employees.
Ronna needs to pay her back rent or else she's going to get evicted. By chance while she's working at the super market two actors approach her asking her about her drug dealing co-worker who's absconded to Las Vegas with his friends. They're desperate enough to score some ecstasy for a Christmas party that they're willing to pay extra for the drugs. Ronna goes to her co-workers suppler to get the drugs hoping that the extra money she makes selling the drugs at a higher price will be enough to pay her rent. She doesn't have enough to buy the drugs but the dealer agrees to watch her friend while she makes the deal and pays off the rest. She finds out she's been tricked into a drug bust and rushes off to the bathroom to get rid of the evidence. She then has to find out how she's going to pay her rent and replace the lost drugs.
The next segment involves Simon. It's a pretty standard Las Vegas plot
where he gets high, has group sex, burns down a hotel room, accidentally
shoots a bouncer, and has to escape. Its amusing but has little to do
with the rest of the movie. The next story involves the two actors who as part of plea deal are helping two undercover officers bust Ronna. Through it we get to see a different perspective of what happens to her. The last segment features Ronna's girl friend Clair in a romance with Simon's drug supplier.
Strange Days(1995)
This movie takes place on the days leading up to New Year's 1999 rather than Christmas. You see back in the 90's everybody seem to think the world was coming to an end for some reason. It was just like year 2012 thing only not nearly as stupid. But fear of the world ending in 1999 was a real enough threat for a lot of people. So much so that a lot of movies utilized that fear in their plots.
A lot of people seem to get hung up on the fact that this is a futuristic sci fi movie released in '95 that had a rather unreasonable view of advancing technology. I'm not sure it was the filmakers intent but I think of it more like speculative science fiction. If you're unfamiliar with that term a good example of it is Alan Moore's "Watchmen" or Philip K. Dick's "The Man In the High Castle". One of the devices used in the plot is called a S.Q.U.I.D., it records and plays back the audio and video through the first person perspective of its wearer. The device was intended to be used as a wire for the police but is now illegal. Because of this a black market has developed dealing these tapes. The story revolves around a playback dealer who stumbles upon a murder plot involving a slain musician. It may be a little far fetched but the story is unique and creative and the performances are solid. "Strange Days" is reminiscent of a "Videodrome" of the 90's.
Reindeer Games(2000)
I can understand the hate this movie generated at the time and continues to generate to this day, but I'm still going to defend it anyway. People hate Ben Affleck and people love to hate the guy and for the most part I can understand that too. It probably has something to do with roles like this. It seems whenever he's not in a Kevin Smith film he plays a vain, shallow, alpha male type character. I suppose most people can't identify with that kind of character so they pick the poor guy apart. "Reindeer Games" in no way deviates from that Ben Affleck archetype, if anything it personifies it.
The "hero" of our story is Rudy Duncan, a con who is about to be released from prison. His cellmate, Nick, is also about to be released and talks about nothing but the pen pal he started writing from inside. During a riot Nick is stabbed and dies. On the transfer bus Rudy recognizes Nick's pen pal looking expectantly for him. What motivates Rudy to get off the bus, greet her, and introduce himself as Nick is something I've always wondered. Either he does so because he loved Nick, he feels sorry for the poor girl who has been waiting years for her pen pal to get out, or his own selfish sexual gratification.
The two share a brief romance before Ashley's brother, Monster, shows up with his gang. Of all the things I like about this movie I'd say the cast is the best. You've got Gary Sinise as Monster, Donal Logue and Danny Trejo as Monster's henchmen, Dennis Farina as a former Vegas casino manager who now manages a struggling indian casino in rural Michigan, and Isaac Hayes as an extra in the prison. If anything watching these great actors play such fun characters is entertaining enough. More often than not Gary Sinise plays a good guy so I love to see him play the bad guy. In my opinion he's always done a better job of that. At least when he's playing a bad guy he has some personality. Who knows maybe I just like a good villain.
Through mistaken identity Monster believes Rudy to be Nick and through his love letters learned that Nick used to work security in an indian casino. Monster wants Rudy's help to plan a heist on the casino. Aside from Affleck's deeply flawed character and delivery the other problem I'm sure haters had was this movie has one too many twists.
Twist 1: Rudy's cellmate Nick is killed and he takes his place with his girlfriend Ashley
Twist 2: Ashley's brother interrupts their tryst to enlist Rudy/Nick's help to knock over a casino he believes he once worked at.
Twist 3: Rudy comes clean about who he is and is not believed
Twist 4: Pug, one of Monster's henchman, overhears Rudy arguing with Ashley about how he's not Nick, doubts are raised, Rudy is asked personal questions about Ashley at gunpoint to prove he is Nick.
Twist 5: Rudy escapes captivity from his hotel room (where the freakin stupid henchman leave him unguarded at all times), he overhears Ashley and Monster arguing and finds out the two are not related and are in a relationship with one another.
Twist 6: Rudy decides to escape but can't when henchmen close in on him from both sides.
Twist 7: Monster has lost all his friends during the robbery and only Rudy, himself, and Ashley have survived. Ashley and Monster reveal how they're going to kill Rudy and frame him for the robbery.
Twist 8: Doubts are raised once again when Ashley accidentally reveals she knows how Nick died even though Rudy claims to Monster he never told her how Nick died, Ashley shoots and kills Monster, we find out that Ashley is really Nick's old girlfriend Millie Bobeck, Nick reveals himself and how he faked his death and orchestrated this whole triple cross.
Okay so maybe some of these are just plot points and contrivances rather than twists but because of them the plot depends on way too many coincidences and variables. Rudy has to take Nick's place and in order for Nick and Millie's plan to work all Monster's henchmen have to die in the robbery. All this also has to depend on Rudy not escaping or getting killed by Monster or his henchman before the robbery. On top of all that Rudy isn't a very likeable character. He's actually kind of weaselly. He lies, tries to tell the truth to save himself, lies to save himself, and lies to further deceive in order to save himself. He seems to do everything but fellate Monster and his henchmen to survive.
This is probably one of the most deeply flawed movies you'll ever see me admit to liking on this blog. I can fully understand why someone would dislike this movie and I'm not willing to defend it or persuade someone who openly hates it. It's a ridiculous movie and has an overly complicated plot but none of these things bother me enough not to enjoy it.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas(1966)
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" isn't exactly a movie as it is a tv special. They later made it into a feature length live action movie but I think that may have been a mistake. After all this is a classic that even members of my generation could appreciate. Even though I've said I detest anything that is overly sentimental or has a moral I love "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" anyway.
As I mentioned earlier I love a good villain and The Grinch is one of the best. He's a bitter, lonely, resentful, jealous, hermit who delights in other people's misery. He literally steals candy from babies in this special. He reminds me a lot of myself. We both even have a cute little dog as a sidekick. I think it's brilliant that they got Boris Karloff who is famous for playing a green monster to voice The Grinch. The Grinch looks like he's having a little to much fun wrecking Christmas for everyone so it's a little hard to believe he has a change of heart later on but even that doesn't bother me. The music and the animation are both tops even though the dubbing isn't all that great.
