“And when I suck you off not a drop will go to waste. It’s
really not so bad ya know once you get past the taste.”
Starfuckers, Inc.
There were a lot of albums of my youth that were a big deal
and Nine Inch Nails The Fragile was probably the biggest.So far this is one of the few albums featured
on this segment that I didn’t personally own.However if you listened to the radio or occasionally watched MTV you
heard a majority of this double album and certainly the best of it without all
the fucking interludes.I’ll eventually
get around to taking a look back at one of my favorite albums, Tool’s “Ænima”,
but the same thing that irritates me about that album goes double for this
one.If it’s one thing I hate about “Ænima”
is all the time and space wasting interludes in that album.Since “The Fragile” it seems Trent Reznor has
made a career out of time and space wasting interludes.So much so I’m sure you could fill an LP or
even double album with all the damned things.Once again I’m reminded of Joy Division, they used new recording
techniques, technology, and instruments to create new and beautiful music.Generation X did the same thing but rather
than make something productive out of it used these techniques to make interludes
that most people don’t care about and usually skip over.God bless the advent of the compact disc that
gave us a more efficient way of doing that.Needless to say I and I’m sure the entire music listening public buys
albums to listen to music not creepy sound effects and ambient noise of you
fucking around in the studio.But I digress;
I suppose I should get around to reviewing the actual music.
Nine Inch Nails previous and most popular album was released
a long 5 years earlier and since then all Reznor had been up to was a few
soundtrack appearances.I’ve always
found it bizarre how musicians can go on such long hiatuses and music companies
still stick with them.“The Downward
Spiral” was another big album but I didn’t listen to it on the whole until I
was well into my 20’s.The album was
released while I was still in grade school (I think I may have been in the
fifth or sixth grade) so I didn’t have much interest in it outside it’s first
single “Closer”.Back then I just
thought it was cool that a mainstream single that got regular radio play
featured that many fucks in it.Mind you
I didn’t have the slightest clue what the context of the song meant and now
that I do find it very immature and shallow.And ya know after a look back at “The Fragile” shallow and immature are
recurring themes.
Every song on this album is directed at someone who wronged
Trent Reznor showing that he can hold a grudge as bad if not worse than Taylor
Swift, Alanis Morissette, and Fred fucking Durst.I remember hearing rumors at the time that
the subject of the main theme of the album was the volatile relationship Reznor
had with Courtney Love… not the be unsympathetic but assuming that’s true ya
shoulda known better buddy.The
secondary and more obvious subject of Reznor’s wrath was Marilyn Manson.As I remember it’s Reznor we have to thank
for Manson’s career.At some point they
had a falling out and by the time this album was released they resolved those
issues which is quite frankly bizarre because “Starfuckers Inc.” was allegedly
about Manson and he even appeared in the video(Reznor calls him a bitch a few
times in the son.).Making the
“Starfuckers” less genuine is Reznor ripping off the chorus to Carly Simon’s
“You’re So Vain”.I kinda always hated that
song but now in retrospect I think I hate it even more.
The other singles off this album were more solid.Although “We’re In This Together Now” got a
little too much airplay it’s still a good song but whenever I’m listening to
this album I just skip over it.After
that song wore out its welcome “Into the Void” took its place.It got just as much airplay but for whatever
reason I can’t get enough of this song.It reminds me a lot of “Hurt” off “The Downward Spiral”.No matter how many times I hear it it never
gets old.I can say the same about
“Somewhat Damaged”.It wasn’t a favorite
of mine but grew on me after a while and there have been times where I play it
over and over.I was reading on
Wikipedia while doing a little research about this album and it’s themes.Wikipedia claims “Somewhat Damaged” was one
of the songs played on a loop to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.I can think of way worse songs to torture
people with.Off the top of my head
N’Sync’s “Bye, Bye, Bye” anything by John Meyer or The Haunted and MIA’s
“MAYA”.
Even though I disagree with the sentiments of the lyrics
musically it’s still and Nine Inch Nails album and that means it’s still pretty
good.There’s a ton of interludes but
this time at least they’re musical interludes which makes the album more
listenable on the whole.Up to this
point Nine Inch Nails haven’t released a bad album and with “The Fragile” they
still haven’t.This album lacks the
manic energy and creativity of its predecessors but in spite of its flaws I
think it still holds up. 80/100
Before you read this I’d like to point out some anachronisms.First, yes I realize it’s a little late for a
best and worst of 2012 list.For better
or worse this list was composed at a more appropriate time but I just haven’t
been able to post it because I’ve been far too busy.Since this is a blog I could have cheated and
posted the date for this entry as 1-1-13 but that feels dishonest to me.You may also notice while a lot of material
on these lists were released in 2012 some of these items have been around for a
great long time.Since this has been the
first year of my blog I decided to list all the things I’ve been exposed to
this year rather than just the short list of new things I had experienced.So in no particular order here is
THE BEST MUSIC,
MOVIES, BOOKS, AND COMMERCIALS OF 2012
Savage Season by Joe R.
Lansdale
If anything can be said about 2012 it was the year of
Lansdale.For me at least.I read 6 different Joe R. Lansdale books last
year and they ranged from great to bad.“Savage Season” being the best.This book introduces the characters of Hap Collins and Leonard
Pine.Hap being a straight white middle
aged former hippie and Leonard being a gay black Vietnam veteran.An unlikely pair the reader can only imagine
how these two became best friends in the first place.Not to delve too far into the plot of the
book, but the characters (particularly Hap and Leonard) and how they interact
with each other is far more engaging than what brought them together.
Who Fears the Devil? By
Manly Wade Wellman
I’ve read a Wellman story here and there in my anthology
collections but I never put serious thought into reading any more than the
casual story.I have found since then that
was a big mistake.Who Fears the Devil
is a collection of short stories featuring Wellman’s popular Silver John
character.In the introduction Mike
Resnick suggests you read the stories little by little rather than all at once
to make it last and get a better understanding of Silver John and that’s
exactly what I’ve been doing.I’ve found
I enjoy these stories so much I don’t want the book to end.The stories involve a traveling minstrel by
the name of John.Why he’s wandering
around and how he got his silver strung guitar is not nearly as important as
you’d think as you just get lost in the stories.
Where the Summer Ends
by Karl Edward Wagner
Friends and family are probably getting tired of me
mentioning this author and how much I adore him and how proud I am that I was
able to snag two volumes of his collected short stories this year.I can’t say I blame them but I just feel like
I should get the word out so more people can enjoy this unique author.Last year Centipede Press released two
gorgeous volumes of Wagner’s short stories collecting almost everything the man
ever wrote.“Where the Summer Ends” is
without doubt the better of the two but that’s not to say that “A Walk on the
Wild Side” is bad but it just can’t compete against the weight of this
one.I’ve found even if I don’t like a
particular story I’m drawn in by the vivid characters.In this volume I didn’t much care for or
understand the story “More Brute Than Human” but if it was anything that kept
me reading this longer story it was the interesting characters.I think if you can say anything to describe
Wagner’s work it’s that right there.His
characters feel organic and you care what happens to them especially if they
meet an unfortunate end.I was hoping
that if I had any regular readers on this blog they would read my Wagner entry
in time to pick up a copy of at least one of these books while they still had time.If you’re reading this now you missed your
chance.By now both books have sold out
and your only chance of picking up a copy is buying one from an unscrupulous
internet seller who will no doubt jack up the price to an unreasonable degree.
Baroness – Blue and Red
There is a specific reason I don’t review music here more
often.The long and short of it is it’s
too hard and I don’t really give a crap.Music reviews are specialized niche filled with buzz words and what I
like to call horseshit industry terms both used to confuse the reader and make
the review(er) sound fancier or smarter than it is.There’s another reason I rarely review music
on here and that’s because I don’t normally consider something good enough to
write about unless I like the entire album.For example Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures is a great album from start
to finish, same goes for Slayer’s Reign In Blood, Depeche Mode’s Violator,
Alice in Chains self-titled album, Cocteau Twins Garlands, Days of the New Green,
Front 242’s Official Version, Godflesh’s Streetcleaner, and Pantera’s Cowboys
From Hell.I’m just about the biggest
Tool fan you can find but their bad habit of padding albums with interludes and
uneven songwriting keeps them from making a truly great album.I could say the same about Satyricon.They’re a great band that’s released a lot of
fine albums over the years but every now and then you’ll get an intro or ambient
track.As far as I’m concerned the one
thing that holds an album back from being truly great is the occasional
interlude.Baroness’ “Blue Record” and “Red
Album” suffer these same defects.The
music is great and these are the two best albums I’ve heard in hard rock/heavy
metal in years.Unfortunately there’s an
intro on “Blue” along with a few instrumental interludes on both which prohibit
me from listening to the album as a whole.
Intronaut – Valley of
Smoke
Most people agree that a concept album explores certain ideas,
moods, or themes often expressed through the lyrics.A great example of this is Pink Floyd’s The
Wall.During the length of the album its
theme explored the lifecycle from birth to death.Lyrically I’m not sure exactly what concept
“Valley of Smoke” has but from a musical standpoint one song blends seamlessly
to the next.Not that any one song
sounds the same but played from start to finish it feels like one long song
keeping a consistent mood throughout the album.I’m sure most reviewers would describe Intronaut as Avant Guard but it’s
such a broad generalized title that can apply to just about anything that I’m
remiss to label anything by it.I
suppose you could also call it experimental but I find that entirely incorrect.To deem them experimental would be like saying
they’re experimenting with a certain sound but Inronaut know what they’re doing
and they’ve found their sound it’s just simply different from everything
else.While it’s hard to describe exactly
what genre Intronaut falls into I can say for sure if you’re not a fan of hard
rock or heavy metal you probably won’t like them.
Paradise Lost – Tragic
Idol
It’s difficult to describe doom metal to someone who’s not
in the know.I could play them some
Candlemass or Solitude Aeturnus or My Dying Bride or Anathema but I doubt they
could differentiate these bands from any other sub-genre of heavy metal.What makes things harder is a lot of these
bands reach an apex and branch out so far they don’t even remotely resemble the
musical style they became known for. Paradise Lost fits perfectly in this
mold.So for the longest time I just
completely lost interest in their newer releases.For whatever reason my curiosity got the
better of me one day and I looked them up on Amazon.I figured what the hell and gave their newest
release a preview.Needless to say I was
impressed enough to buy the album and I’m glad I did.It’s been a long time since Paradise Lost
released “Gothic” and “Tragic Idol” is a return to that album.There are songs I like more than others but
on the whole this is a great album and even with the weaker songs I can listen
to it from start to finish easily.I
think it also serves as a great introduction to people unfamiliar with their
music.
Sears Appliance
Commercial
I’m sure the few people who read my blog regularly wonder
what’s wrong with me.How come you don’t
like commercials?Are there any
commercials you do like?Well for the
most part no.Most years I don’t even
like the super bowl ads and I especially don’t like the people who watch the
super bowl just for the ads.For the
last 20 years television advertising has ran rampant.The sheer volume of commercials takes up a
third of programming every hour.It just
doesn’t seem fair to me.I tune in to
watch tv shows not commercials.Ten
minutes every hour seems reasonable to me, eighteen on the other hand is
excessive and out of control.However
once in a blue moon there’s a commercial that comes along that’s so good I
can’t wait to see it again.Sears must
have foreseen the influx of romantic comedies and cheesy holiday movies that
come out every Christmas season.Seizing
that opportunity they made a commercial parodying some of the worst clichés of those
movies.The commercial was so affective
the first few times I saw it I didn’t realize it wasn’t a trailer for a new
movie.
Fallout 3
This game has been out for a long time and I remember people
raving about it but I just never got the chance to play it.When I finally did it reminded me of how much
fun I had playing “The Elderscrolls III: Marrowind”.My ass was glued to my chair, I rarely slept,
and I ignored most of my bodily functions and cursed them when they took me
away from the game for just a minute.I
only had a few small problems with the game.With this game they created a vast world but instead of exploring the
surface you spend most of your time wandering around in buildings, caves, and
underground bomb shelters.Without a
game add on there’s a really short level cap that I wish I had been aware of at
the time.If you’re like me and want to
complete every little side mission you’ll be disappointed to find out you’ll
hit your peak level before you’ve finished half of the game and once you’ve
picked certain perks and stats you can’t go back and change them.Lastly the game’s main quest is very short
and if you’re more driven to do that you’ll find yourself beating the game in 2
or 3 hours.
Deadspace
I had actually seen the full length animated feature before
I got a chance to play this game.I’m
not as hardcore a gamer as I used to be and since game prices have reached an
insane apex I haven’t been playing or buying them as often.I usually purchase games online and at
gamestop by the time everyone and their mother has beaten them and used copies
are only 20 or so bucks.I really don’t
feel the need to play games when they’re new and 20-30 dollars is my cutoff
limit for games.Anyway I became an
instant fan of this game once I finally did buy it.The gameplay is similar to the early Resident
Evil survival horror games.Since those
games have degenerated into action/combat games I’m glad that something came
along to fill the gap.There are a few
problems with the game(like a part where you’re supposed to blast away
asteroids but you’re not given a wide margin for error) but on the whole it’s
pretty good.
Hyperion by Dan Simmons
As I’m branching out in what I read I notice I’ve read more
and more sci fi this year and this is the best sci fi book I’ve ever read.It’s just one of those books that I was so taken
with I didn’t notice how fast I was reading it and then all of a sudden I’m ¾
into it.I was going to do a review for
“Hyperion” but I couldn’t think of an adequate way to express just how much I
enjoyed this book.However it is not
without fault.Hyperion is Dan Simmons
love letter to John Keats but since I don’t bother with poetry and I didn’t
know who Keats was this element of the book left me behind.Also there was at least one character I
didn’t at all care for.Each time he had
a line a dialogueand I found myself
dreading his story.There was also a
story here or there I didn’t really like.Otherwise it was a highly enjoyable book.
Skyfall
I can’t say I’m a James Bond fan in the same way I can’t say
I’m a Star Wars fan.Yes I have seen all
the movies but I don’t own any and I can’t say I’m ever sitting around bored to
tears and the mood strikes me to watch some Bond.I also can’t say I have a favorite Bond
film.In fact I think this is the only
Bond movie I’ve ever seen in the theaters.I wasn’t as taken with Daniel Craig as everyone else seemed to be.I thought “Casino Royale” was just okay and I
flat out hated “Quantum of Solace” so I didn’t hold out that much faith that
this one was going to be much better.Anybody who has been paying attention knows a Bond era will begin with a
good or great movie and then slowly (or in some cases quickly) slip into
mediocrity until they hire the next Bond.The one exception might be “Her Majesty’s Secret Service” which may have
been so poorly received they just replaced that Bond after only one movie.As skeptical as I was going in I was
pleasantly surprised by “Skyfall” and I can say without doubt this is my
favorite Bond movie.I think it has a
lot to do with stripping everything down and making everything more
simple.Instead of a bunch of gadgets
this time around all Bond has is a gun and a mission.The plot unlike most Bond flicks is easy
enough for child to understand.At its
very heart it’s a revenge movie with an original and charismatic villain.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa
Puffs and IV by Chuck Klosterman
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs takes things as trivial as pop
culture and puts them under a microscope and dissects them.It might not sound that interesting but it
forced me to reexamine things I hadn’t thought about in years and some things I
had no prior interest in.There’s a
chapter devoted to MTV’s Real World that reminded me why I enjoyed the show
when I was a kid and eventually why I stopped watching it.There’s another chapter on basketball and how
it relates to race and politics.I don’t
know anything nor do I care about basket but I read it regardless because I
enjoyed the prose.It reminds me of
watching those parts in Tarantino or Kevin Smith movies where the characters
are just standing around talking about their favorite movies and posing
hypothetical questions about them.In
other words it takes things we take for granted and puts a new and unusual spin
on them.We watch these movies, tv
shows, listen to this music, and wear these fashions, but we rarely put serious
thought into them.The chapters are
short and have little in common making it the perfect bathroom or light reading
book.
“IV” is similar to Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, but instead
of reexamining pop culture most of the book is devoted to various interviews of
celebrities Klosterman has interviewed over the years for magazines and
newspapers.During the course of these
interviews he tells his opinions of these people and their work making some
interesting stories.
The reason I haven’t added these books to my best of list is
because I haven’t finished them.Most of
the time I pick them up here and there when I don’t want to get too involved
and spend an entire night with a book.I
highly recommend “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs” but “IV” isn’t for everybody.
Prometheus
I was dazzled by this movie and it was my favorite theater
experience this year (aside from my post “Dark Knight” massacre viewing where
everyone warned me against going to the theater and then nothing happened) but
I had a hard time expressing how I felt about it.Yeah it has problems but those problems
weren’t big enough to keep me from enjoying the movie.
The Wizard
I don’t know if I’d consider The Wizard a good or bad movie
what I can is it was fun taking a trip down memory lane by watching this relic
again.It is a bad movie and unlike so
many bad movies it is not a timeless bad movie (like say Troll 2 or Plan 9 From
Outer Space).I feel like a person
watching it would have to have lived around the time it was released to
appreciate it.I’m sure the games,
arcades, and the unrestrained product placement featured in this movie would
seem archaic to younger viewers born in the early to late nineties.
THE WORST MUSIC,
MOVIES, BOOKS, TV SHOWS, AND COMMERCIALS OF 2012
Katie
Correct me if I’m wrong here but aren’t talk show hosts
supposed to have personality?I don’t
know whose idea it was to give Katie Couric her own talk show but they need to
be fired and that goes double if it was Katie herself.I haven’t seen a talk show host this fake and
insincere since Tyra Banks, although Wendy Williams was pretty annoying as
well.Unfortunately both Wendy Williams
and Tyra’s show lasted for several seasons so that doesn’t hold out much hope
that this one will be quickly dropped.On
the few occasions I’ve seen this show she asks irrelevant and inappropriate
questions, panders to her widely female audience, retreads previous questions or
comments sometimes mere minutes after she last asked them(ie on the Jason
Statham and Jennifer Lopez episode she mentions her(Lo’s) divorce numerous
times and focused on J.Lo undressing in front of Statham in the movie they were
promoting several times).I think the
difference from her old job to her new job is she used to interview important
people asking relevant questions that the audience needed to hear, she now
interviews her guests asking questions her shallow audience wants to hear in
order to illicit a response from them.One is honest the other is a fucking sideshow.Given that I really don’t see any difference
from Katie Couric and Jerry Springer, Geraldo Rivara, Maury Povich, or Morton
Downey Jr.
Stupid Geico Pig and
that damn bestiality commercial
Geico’s decision to use that stupid pig as an alternate
mascot is nearly as confusing as Team Mobile’s decision to keep using that cute
girl in the slinky dress after they reformatted their ads and she no longer
talks or is in that dress.Well that to
me is more confusing but the pig is still baffling.But for whatever reason Geico started using a
pig from a previous commercial that everyone who watches commercials unanimously
agreed was annoying from the very beginning.It’s kinda like dipping your frostbitten toes in a bucket of ice cold
water.But they took an annoying
approach to something deeply creepy and disgusting when they made a commercial
where an anthropomorphic pig goes on a date… with a human woman.
But I guess it’s okay since the girl is pressuring the pig
for sex and not the other way around.
Why would a pig that’s too short to reach the pedals and has
no thumbs to grab the steering wheel need car insurance in the first
place?Not to mention anyone can see
this thing is clearly a pig so why the hell would the flight attendant make
such a blatantly hateful remark that almost no one uses anymore?It probably has something to do with the
marketing department at Geico being out of ideas.They might as well say it’s so easy a stupid
little pig can use it.
Fuck it I’m declaring a war on Geico.I’ve never seen product placement inside a
commercial.That’s a new one for
me.Plus more bestiality.(I couldn't find the video on youtube but please enjoy this equally stupid and obvious commercial)
The Script – Hall of
Fame
There are certain themes that I avoid throughout every
medium.I really don’t appreciate
anything with a positive message and especially hate anything with too positive
a message.I don’t find it reasonable or
even logical telling someone they can be anything or do anything they set their
mind to and I find it even more damaging telling that to a child.I don’t believe that true love conquers all
(because it doesn’t... not to mention that there’s no such thing as true love)
or in hookers with hearts of gold (because there aren’t any) and of course the
rags to riches story(it’s true that it happens but it’s also very rare).The saccharine sweet sentiment in this song
is enough to give you diabetes.The
video is one of the most annoying I’ve seen since Papa Roach’s Last Resort and
Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful and they’re exactly the same.They feature a cast of characters that all
suffer and somehow overcome their adversity.It’s appropriate for the song but its just way too excessive.The lyrics are pretty fuckin stupid too.They consist of “You could be this” “You
could be that” line after line until it gets to the chorus.
The Fall of Hyperion by
Dan Simmons
“Hyperion” wasn’t just the best sci fi book I read last year
but the best book period.It
successfully blended different genres like romance, horror, tragedy, mystery,
and eroticism.The only problem I had
with the book was John Keats had a big influence on it.It was easy to dismiss because large parts of
the book didn’t feature Keats or his work and the parts that did was still
thrilling and interesting.The book has
six pilgrims tell the stories of how they found themselves on Hyperion on their
way to the time tombs.By the book’s end
they’ve reached their destination but it ends on cliffhanger.We don’t know what’s going to happen to the
pilgrims or if they’re going to get what they want.I was hoping Fall of Hyperion was going to
tie up these loose ends but instead John Keats took a bigger role than any of
the pilgrims and eventually became the tragic hero of the book.I don’t particularly like poetry and I don’t
know or care to know anything about John Keats.At times it was like reading about a subject I had no knowledge of and
no interest in.Better yet it was like someone
who didn’t give a damn about Keats reading Keats fan fiction.In other words there were parts where I was
totally lost and disinterested.Still it
wasn’t a terrible book and I don’t regret reading it.Every now and then when the focus of the book
goes back to the pilgrims it’s really good and the loose ends tie up
nicely.Fall of Hyperion is the 2nd
book in a 4 book series and this book ends the pilgrims’ story.Hopefully the other two books will leave out
the Keats plotlines.
Baroness – Yellow and
Green
Earlier this year I was introduced to heavy metal band
Baroness.The last time I discovered a
band and was this pleasantly surprised was when I heard Mastodon’s Hunter last year
and since then Baroness has overtaken Mastodon as the top played band on my
itunes.I was so sure I would love their
latest album that I went to best buy to get a copy.Pretty much all I can say about this double
album is the artwork is really good.There is nothing worse than having high expectations for something and
having those hopes crushed by a product that just isn’t up to par.I can’t hate it because it doesn’t suck but
it’s just not very good either.To add
insult to injury the total runtime of all 18 tracks on both discs of this
“double” album is 75 minutes meaning if you had the inclination you could fit
both albums on a single CDR.The music
itself is just boring and doesn’t match up with previous two albums.It almost sounds like a totally different
band or at best a compilation of b sides.One thing can be said for it though, even at their worst Baroness is
still better than most of the music out there and I’m hoping their next effort
is a little more passionate.
Pitbull – Don’t Stop
the Party
Lately I’ve been watching MTV and VH1 in the mornings when
ya know they actually play freakin music videos.I’m starting to realize that I’ve become that
snobby old man that listens to nothing but the music of his youth and complains
about how everything nowadays sucks.Unfortunately
this stereotype tends to turn out true when ya know everything does suck.I had heard the name Pitbull thrown around
here and there but I’d never actually heard any of music and after seeing the
video for Pittbull’s “Don’t Stop the Party” I miss my naivety.Originally I started watching these channels
to have something to listen to while I read late at night or early in the
morning but it defeated the purpose when I heard something that sounded awful and
I just muted the damn tv and read in silence.When I heard the chorus for the first time I closed my book and started
watching the video in awe.I knew the
music industry was in trouble but I never realized it was this bad.This shallow song is just about the most tone
deaf thing I’ve ever heard.Actually I
thought it was a joke at first because this is just the kind of generic crap
you seeing in TV shows and movies when they’re trying to emulate current trends
in rap and hip hop.The video is no better.Every time since the first time I watched it
I’ve muted the TV and its typical of every single hip hop and rap video since
the beginning of music videos.Lots of
women in bathing suits, Pitbull dancing and uhhh singing I guess, and extras
having a pseudo good time and partying.If
this song had taught me anything it’s that for every tone deaf or inept
musician there’s an audience big enough to make sure they continue to make
mediocre music.ICP and Kid Rock should
have taught me that lesson by now but oh well.
Nicki Minaj – Freedom
Copy and paste everything I just said about Pitbull.This song may even be worse.What’s worse is both are untalented novelty
acts but Nicki tries to feign sincerity after so many vain and self-indulgent
songs. The sentiment falls on deaf
ears.Human beings are complex
creatures.We can give with one hand and
beg with the other.I’m not saying it
can’t be done but you also can’t talk about being rich, doing drugs, being
slutty, and being smarter/cooler/more talented/better than everyone else and
then start talking about Jesus and the problems of the world.It’s like trying to take a preaching clown in
a bikini seriously.
Empire State by Adam
Christopher
I was planning on writing a review about this book but it
was so bland I had a difficult time describing my feelings for better or
worse.It was like trying to describe
what the color gray tastes like.The
book wasn’t good(and certainly wasn’t great) but it wasn’t completely terrible
either.In other words it wasn’t
“Infected” and it was a far cry from “Mission Earth”. I had no positive or
negative feelings towards it and that made it hard to write a review.Besides I can’t say I was too disappointed
because I picked the book up on a whim.I had never heard of the author and I likewise had no previous
impression of the book other than the synopsis on the back cover.The plot didn’t make sense and was overly
complicated, there were too many characters and subplots, and I just felt on
the whole the book was longer than it needed to be.It eventually went nowhere and took a long
time to get there.
Infected by Scott
Sigler
I’ve learned a lot in 2012 but I think one of the most
important lessons is any asshole with a blog can publish book(except for this
asshole… so far).Infected and 50 Shades
of Gray are both great examples of that.I think we should leave the writing up to writers and the blogging up to
bloggers.Aside from that I have nothing
new to say about it other than if I were you I’d avoid this book like the
plague.To read my full review go here: Infected review
The Drive-in 3 The Bus
Tour
The first drive-in novel was great and while the second book
wasn’t nearly as great it was still at least good.The third and final book was terrible.To summarize for the uninitiated “The Drive-In”
involves a group of friends going to a drive-in and getting trapped there by
powers beyond their control.The
drive-in in then turns into the setting of chaos and power struggles and the
breeding ground for mutants.The second
book “The Drive-In: Not Just Another of Them Sequels” takes the surviors of the
first novel out of the drive-in and into a new and bizarre world.In the middle of the book they rescue another
survivor and help her recover her sister from a kidnapper.The third book attempts to explain this new
world and how these characters fit in it.It’s about as successful at tying the events of this trilogy up as the
Matrix Revolutions and it’s equally as disappointing.It’s a shame because I admire Joe R. Lansdale
and I enjoyed the other two installments.I’d hate to give too much away but I enjoyed the book right up until the
end where it really jumped the rails.Needless to say as poor as the explanation was for the drive-in and how
it came to be I was better off not knowing,Regardless I don’t regret reading the book and I can’t say that about
some books.
Salem’s Lot – 2004
I was going to write a review for this but once again I
didn’t feel passionately enough about the material to write anything about
it.Well I guess that’s not entirely
true.I hated this miniseries and it
pissed me off but I just couldn’t think of anything constructive enough to
write about.The book was great and
what’s mystifying is this miniseries doesn’t stray far from it but the small
differences are confusing.The biggest
difference is the characters and their relationship to one another.To give you a good idea the issues I had with
this adaptation; after reading the book it was a lot like watching the same
events unfold only with strangers.This
adaptation also suffers from the same Bush era politics that dated and ruined a
lot of the media at the time.Don’t get
me wrong I hated the Bush years but because of them they changed the main
character from a fiction novelist to a whistle blowing political
journalist.I wouldn’t say it’s a really
bad movie but like I said it keeps true to the book so if it you’ve read it the
miniseries is just going to piss you off.Rob Lowe delivery is just plain weird.His voice is monotonous as a he spews out lines at the frequency of a
meth head while he’s tweaking.
Mission Earth The
Invaders Plan by L. Ron Hubbard
This is the worst book I have ever read… nuff said
Amish Mafia
This is the only thing on this list I haven’t exposed myself
to.As of this date I still haven’t seen
this show but when I saw the commercials for it I just couldn’t believe what I
was watching.I’ve spent a considerable
amount of time in Indiana where there’s a huge population of amish.I don’t frequently interact with them but
from afar they seem like a polite and inoffensive people.That’s why I find it hard to believe there’s such
a thing as an amish mafia.The very idea
sounds fucking ridiculous.Not to mention
most people don’t know the first thing about the amish.It seems to me a better show would document
the real members of the amish community and expose us to a realistic view of
their beliefs and culture not some violent Hollywood facsimile. What’s worse is this is on the discovery
channel.I can remember when they used
to have nothing but nature and science shows and not horseshit reality shows.
Eclipse by Stephenie
Meyer
I read a lot of different books this year, most of them
good, some of them just okay, and some of them really really bad.The good far outweighed the bad but when I
read something bad it stayed with me for a long time.Kinda like a fart in an elevator.And I think that’s a perfect metaphor for “Eclipse”.All the stinkers I read suffered from bad
writing, juvenile dialogue, and uninteresting or poorly constructed characters
or plot.“Eclipse” suffers from all
those things but to top it off it’s also incredibly boring.The story unfolds slowly to build the romance
and sexual tension between a vampire and nubile human female.I think we all know the story by now but a
bulk of the book is devoted entirely to that and since it’s the third in the
series we no longer need to establish that.The book is so needlessly bloated I felt like I was reading the same
chapter over and over and had to take a month long break from it just 166 pages
from its 629 pages.
Deathstalker
This is a really bad sword and sorcery movie from the
80’s.When I saw it I was bothered by
the misogyny in it.The movie takes rape
lightly as almost every female character gets raped.The movie begins with a woman running from a
man whose captured her and probably intends to rape her, he doesn’t get the
chance as a group of what look like cavemen attack him(probably intent on doing
worse things to her), and finally the “hero” of this epic comes along and kills
them all then proceeds to rape her for his trouble.Putting the misogyny aside, the movie has no
plot, a generic evil sorcerer, an overused score, terrible dialogue, and bad
structuring.Obviously no one put much
thought into this movie.It’s like they
said, “Hey!Conan is popular let’s try
to replicated that!”Then when time came
to write a script they said fuck it and got a buff guy, covered his hairless
body in grease, and added all the TnA they could then fed them lines as they
were filming.I was going to write a
review of it but without all the misogyny I realized I wasn’t passionate enough
about the movie to write an honest review of it.